How can I tell my boyfriend's mother off without ruining everything?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. Since we started dating his mother always warned him that I’d "trap" him into staying with me. We now have a 15 month old daughter together and his mother totally denies her grandchild. She wants me to get a paternity test because we are not married so she’s just so sure that my daughter is in no way related to her son, even though she looks like all of her children. My daughter never got a Christmas or birthday present from her. Also, his mother treats him like he’s 14. He is 26! For example, he is "not allowed" to have a cell phone. Seriously? So, I’ve agreed to get this test done because nothing would make me more satisfied than to shove the results in her face. She told my mom that she should have dragged me by my hair to "take care of" my pregnancy instead of letting me trap her son. What? I’m 24 years old. I’ve been with her son for 5 years. I love him and he loves me. How do I tell this crazed woman off without making her loathe me even more? I need to tell her that I’m an adult and I insist on her treating me that way. I’d also like to tell her to cut the cord already. Her son now has a family of his own, she can’t be breathing down his back forever. Right?
Um.. I’m sorry but it’s 2009. Not 1950. Having a child out of wedlock isn’t really socially unacceptable anymore. I mean sure, for some religious views it is, and that’s fine. I promise you I wont burn in Hell though because I had a child with someone I love. I did not just "spread my legs". That being said, my boyfriend’s father just got up and left one day, and got remarried without telling ANYONE. Including his children. So I feel that his mom has some abandonment issues and that’s why she’s holding onto her kids for dear life. I dont want to yell at her and make her feel bad, I just want her to know I dont appreciate the way she treats me. My boyfriend is only just realizing that she’s irrational and he’s about to burst himself. If she starts to say bad things about me to my face I have no right to tell her to back off?
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Tagged with: 24 years • abandonment issues • adult • burn in hell • cell phone • child out of wedlock • christmas • Dating • dear life • legs • loathe • mom • paternity test • pregnancy • quot • religious views
Filed under: Ways To Get An Ex Back
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Wow! His mom was right! About the "unplanned" pregnancy that is…you have made her realize her greatest fear has come true.
That said – you say nothing. Period. It’s her loss if she wants to deny her grandchild. It’s her loss if she doesn’t want to include you in her life. My in-laws were complete jerks and didn’t see my daughter for 2 years (for no good reason either!)…I have plenty of people in my life and my daughters life that I don’t really "need" them anyways…
Just stick it to her later and make sure you don’t invite her to the wedding – there is going to be a wedding right?
maybe shes just mad cause your taking her son away from her so tell her that she doesnt have to be apart of your life but for your boyfriend i will put up with you because of her son and only her son but when it comes to her grandchild tell she was a blessing for the both of yall and if she doesn’t want to notice that then you will be a person in ur life that you will not talk to……or have ur boyfriend talk to her
Telling her off is HIS job NOT yours. It’s his mother and he needs to grow a pair and set her straight.
Of course, you are right. I bet your mother-in-law has a poor relationship to her husband. That is what makes most mothers hold on to their son. But, in the end, it is up to your husband to assert himself and cut the bond. His allegiance is to you now, both as a husband and a father. I am certain that he must have some idea that the bond that his mother tries to maintain is harmful.
Totaly! I hate mothers who cannot just let their son/daughter spread their wings and fly! And once the test comes in I would make her feel guilty for not treating your daughter equal and for blanking her out. What does you partner say about this coz if my partner even let his mother look at me wrong he would be straight in there defending me!
The mother probley had something built up in her head of what her sons life should of paned out like…. married to superficial business woman with it all but she needs to get a grip and a good bloody shake as you and her son are in love and as you did say are adults as soon… it may be harsh but she wont be around for ever so just smile away when shes givin you gip as its your life and you are going to live it the way you want any ways!
good look
You’re 24 years old but it is obvious you’re not an adult. all you are is her son’s GIRLFRIEND. You have a child out of wedlock…she has every right to deny as her grandchild. She doesn’t HAVE to get your daughter a birthday or Christmas present. You are obviously only "playing house" with her son…living with someone doesn’t guarantee a commitment. So she has the right to not like you, she has the right to not trust you. YOU have made yourself unworthy of her respect. You should have thought about all of this BEFORE you spread your legs and allowed yourself to get pregnant. I suggest you don’t disrespect HER the way you have disrespected yourself by telling her off when the test comes back positive. Time you grow up and use a bit of common sense.
He has to make a decision, man up or you will move on. If he allows his mother to treat you that way he doesn’t respect you and he is not a good role model for his daughter. You have obviously tried to make peace but she isn’t willing. There is nothing worse then a mamas boy, they make horrible husbands and the mothers teach them to be weak so they can control them their whole lives.
As difficult as this may be, you have to ignore her ‘comments’. First of all, she never could have ‘dragged you by the hair’ to ‘take care of’ your pregnancy so that statement doesn;t even merit a response..it’s nonsense, it’s ‘huffing & puffing’ and not worth a second thought.
Second, he’s not ‘allowed’ to have a cell phone? How can she stop him? Especially at his age.
Third, she can only get away with what is permitted….Her 26 year old son must be the one to cut the cord.
Fourth, if she refuses to establish a relationship with her grand daughter, then the only one that will truly suffer is her. Your daughter has your mother to ‘grandmama’ her…many kids only have one or two grandparents alive anyway so if she chooses to be ‘dead’ to her own flesh & blood, so be it…only she will answer for it.
Is there any reason why you two are not married? You both are more than old enough and you do have a child together…..do you co-habit together or does he still live with his mother…perhaps it’s time for him to move out….she will suffocate him if he doesn’t.
She sounds like a bitter person…..is your BF her only child? If so, it could explain a lot…a clingy, refuses to let go woman who sees a grandchild as a trap rather than a wonderful continuation of the family into a new generation, something to enrich one’s life and add so much love…..feel sorry for her and that will diffuse a lot of your anger and put the situation into proper perspective.
..but the BF needs to Man Up with Mama…long overdue.
It is HIS job to stand up to his mother NOT yours.
The other answerer is 100% right.
I have a similar situation with my MIL from hell.
Out of the blue she wrote me a letter in the mail calling me foul names after my husband and I had a big fight. She will not allow me in her house now because I had a fight with my husband, wtf?
I wrote her a letter back but only after it was clear my husband was too much of a momma’s boy and couldn’t stand up to his mom. Sad, but true. He said he didn’t want to "make things worse" and "make more drama".
I don’t have kids though, and if he won’t stand up to her, you definitely need to straighten this out, at least for your child because if this situation continues it will definitely affect your child when she grows up.
I feel your pain hun, stay strong.
EDIT: Also, I think there are more people in this world that look down on having children out of wedlock and such than you might think. Not just religious folks either. At least how I was raised, my mom said that smart girls don’t do that. They do it all "in order" – get married, have sex, have children. That is what I did.
My MIL told me the day I got married that I needed to use birth control and not have kids for a long time. Granted, it is not her place, but any loving parent will tend to see their child’s partner as an enemy if they are suddenly having a child and they are young adults.
I know my MIL is a huge tough momma bear when she thinks I am hurting her baby boy at all. It’s a natural feeling to have but she takes it too far.
Wow some of those other answers were VERY rude. I hope you just ignore them. Having a child after 4 years together isn’t a crazy idea.
My advice: getting the paternity test is in no way going to shut her up. She’ll just move on and find something else to complain and harrass you about. Your boyfriend needs to confront his mom about this behavior, and you need to stay calm, cool and collected and brush it off. As hard as it may be, being the bigger person will make you feel so much better in the end.
All in all, avoid the mother as much as you can, don’t let her insults bother you, and get your boyfriend to grow a pair and speak to his mom about it.
Hey , i no what you are going through its ridiculous my boyfriend also father of our 2 year old is a mammas boy. we been together for 3 years and known eatchother since we were 8 years old. when his mother foud out i was pregnant she showed up at my house and took me to mc donalds and was talking to me about how me and her son our going to ruien our lives but she gave birth to my boyfriend when she was 19 aswell! she also talked about abortion and even had the audacity to verbally tell me an abortion clinics address, after the talk she told me not to tell her son, but of course i did. His mother never liked me, she hates me and there is no logical reason other then “i took her son from her” she talks alot of crap to her family members about me and trys to keep her son aways from me by telling him how i will leave him for someone better looking with more money and how im a bad influence to him and will get him in trouble one day. she calls him more then i do and she always wants him to go everywhere with her or help her out all the time, mind you she has a husband and a younger son and daughter. dont no why all her attention is set on her son and my life, more then her own family! this women has even went out of her way to introduce my boyfriend to another girl that is 21 and would say how she lies her better and how the girl reminds her of herself when she was her age, and how she says she is a nice girl unlike me. my boyfriend does not stand up for me he stands up for her and her negativity, there was an incodent where she thought she new more about parentig and tryin to tell us what to do, my daughter was 4 months old at the time and she would let her sleep on her tummy over night when she baby sat and i told her i was not comfertable with that and she hung up on me, so when we went over to her house to pick up my daughter she started yelling at me and it got to the point where she came out of no where and tried to choke me like WTF!! and she has the nerve to go around telling people that im crazy or psycho, she hates the fact that we are together and i just dont understand it..im getting sick of her and my boyfriend not sayin anything, she treats him like hes 12 years old and we are both 23.
any how girl i deff feel your pain and all i can say is YOU shouldnt be the one to confront her or apologize your man needs to grow up and defend his women because his mother is wrong and she needs to let go of her grown son and encourage her son to be with you and be a good father and boyfriend/husband to you.
very disrespectfully it sickens me
“his mother is wrong and she needs to let go of her grown son and encourage her son to be with you and be a good father and boyfriend/husband to you.”
so true!
whether you’re married or have a child together, you need to be there for your partner & children, and let go of your parents.
it takes time. if your man is a mamma’s boy, you have to give him & the mum time to cut the apron strings. you have to assert your relationship with your man. and your man has to face his mother & any reasons why he cannot let go.
i dont know if you will ever have a good relationship with his mum, if you will always be the “girl that stole her son”. but when you have your own boy, you will know you have to be there for him while he is little, then when he grows up you have to let him go. you have to let another woman love & take care of your son who is not you.
i agree is very unhealthy when a woman has problems with a man in her life, her husband, her boyfriend, or she has nobody, and therefor forms an unhealthy bond with her son where she makes him feel he has to take care of her & feels guilty like he is abandoning her if he does not. he becomes much like a surrogate spouse than a son.
yes it is sick. yes it selfish. yes it ruins her sons relationship with his spouse & breaks up her sons family.
how to make it stop? i do not know if it can ever stop unless his mother was dead.
sometimes if your own needs are not being met in a relationship, you have to move on. if your man cannot get past his unhealthy relationship with him mother, you will have to leave them to it & find “your own” man so to speak. maybe it will take his mothers death & he is left all alone for him to realize what a mistake he made letting her control & dictate his life, and how all the love he gave her he should have gave to a woman & family who would have been there for the rest of his life.
I felt hatred to the mom of my boyfriend, my boyfriend and I are in a relationship for about 4 years now .. at first we were in a long distance relationship and since we find it difficult especially emotionally and wiht all the longing we decided to be together at first he was visiting me to my country and he liked it there, people are warm and my family is being nice with him and likes him so much and when we had to bring him to the airport all my family felt sad even my parents and grandparents were crying while we left him at the airport .he had to go by the way because of his job. after that we were in a long distance relationship again and we want so much to be together and inorder for our relationship tp grow much deeper and more mature as long distance relationship is hard.
but the problem is my boyfriend lives with his parents house, I dont want to live with his parents house but he said that we need to settle down and plan our life together so even I dont feel comfortable with that idea , I went to be with him as my love is more stronger , but since i arrived I notice that his mom is very observant of me and trying to be nice although she isnt. my boyfriend is spanish by the way but we understand each other through english language but his parents dont speak spanish, but I do understand a little spanish but hard for me to speak it. my boyfriend’s mom treats him like a baby giving breakfast for him although he can do it by himself etc etc , but his mom is so cold to his husband that she doesnt even prepare breakfast for him and always getting angry at him even the reasons are so much shallow so that is one thing that annoys me. then she pretends to be nice to me even behind my back she freaking talk about me to her friends or to her sisters and she thinks i dont understand her but I do and i try to tell it to my boyfriend but my boyfriend is not listening to me and he said maybe I am just negative person and I am misunderstanding her etc and we even quarrel sometimes because when i feel bad to her mom my boyfriend feels bad at me and her mom is so shallow even at one point her mom wants him to go out to buy something for the house but my boyfriend doesnt want to go out because he wants to rest then the mom felt bad so he went out anyway and his mom said never mind it is ok and my boyfriend said that you made me get ready and now you will change your mind until the mother felt bad and my boyfriend said It is ok I will go out anyway and I will buy my girlfriend a soap. when he went out his mom is so mad and even getting mad at me . sometimes i want to explode I can tell more of what she is doing but it is not enough space to write it all down here I feel exploding about her and even to my freaking dream she is appearing and I had a nightmare about her that she is spying on me and coming inside in my room and I was like shouting for real already and his husband said last night i was having a nightmare and I only told my boyfriend that I had a nightmare about your mom and he just laughed and said dont worry it was just a nightmare. blah blah that comment annoyed me because he doesnt see that his mother for real is a total jerk, controller, stupid and very shallow and a gossiper and she likes observing and obsering me and collecting informations about me and I think she even goes in my room inspecting things if I am stealing or something and I noticed that because the way she acts she is spying on me and one time I saw a mud in my room and I knew it was her because she was the only one in the house when all of us were gone. I dont know what to do all i want is my boyfriend to believe me but he thinks that I dont have enough proof , and I dont know how can i show him proof if he is blind and deaf about the whole situation between me and her evil mom. sometimes I want to record the conversations she is saying with her friends or over the phone and show that as one of the many evidence about his mom or even video his mom entering in my room whenever we go out. but the thing is I dont have devices to catch her becasue his mom is so wise and even a liar that can twist things and invent things easily. she is so cruel. if I do have that evidence I am thinking if I could sue her or something but i dont know if there is a law like that. and if there is, what about my boyfriend ? I Love him so much and he loves me I know , but the thing is he said we cant move out of his parents house yet because having to rent is so expensive and we dont even have enough money buying a house but he said someday maybe we could but as of now we have to stay at their house , and I felt I have to bear it I hope I wont grow old in the house of his stupid mom not having our own house. I just dont know what to do , if maybe she is nice It would be ok for me even we could be staying at her house even for years.