wife cheated while i'm deployed, we want to save our marriage, help me/us please?
i deployed last fall and shortly after my wife had an affair and got pregnant, we were seriously pursuing divorce up until a few weeks ago when we had a long talk and decided to work and try our marriage again. i love my wife very much and we have one daughter together already, i want to have a happy family and a good relationship with my wife. a few issues have arisen…i have such a pain from all this inside that i feel that it would be a long time if at all before i "lay with my wife" is that wrong? also, while i feel that "resentment" i’ve also been deployed for a year and want to have sex with her when i return but she has little sexual drive anymore. i noticed this issue before i deployed and its not that sex is a deal maker or breaker in a relationship for me, i just feel somewhat rejected by that, i know she loves me by all the other things she’s done for me but i can’t help but feel this way, am i a bad person?
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Tagged with: Bad Person • divorce • good relationship • happy family • long time • love • marriage • Marriage Help • quot • relationship • resentment • sexual drive
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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I am sorry to hear the pain but I commend you for trying to work out your marriage. I am assuming that the child isn’t yours but you have no problem with that which is another great thing for you. I beleive in marriage and the fight for it. You are a strong individual and "THANK YOU" for fighting for our country by the way. Making love in a marriage is key regardless of what otheres may say but it must be done with love and respect. Your wife should know that this maybe the problem that could have caused her to have an affair from the beginning. Yes women go thru changes but she needs to make up in her mind, her heart and soul that she needs to do WHATEVER it takes to make the marriage right again. She needs to do some soul searching and know that women have their ups and downs but their husbands are being harmed by this and she needs to not be selfish and step up to the plate and work it out. Maybe seeking professional help may give her a way of expressing her inner self so that she can be there for you. If not, she may fall again and you are not a bad person, what you are seeking is normal and natural and she needs to stop pushing you away before it’s too late, I pray not. I hope she sees how much of a man you are to stand by her side as she goes thru this. She may need help in all of this so that your family in the end can be saved. Talk to her about this and work it out and express to her you are here but you need her in many, many ways and you are here for the long haul. Good luck and please continue finding forgiviness in your heart not only for her, your marriage but for yourself. It can back fire on you and stress builds up and it must be released but in a positive way.
You can either get over it or dump the bitch. Choose and act on your choice.
you aren’t a bad person maybe she just got bored… it can happen. Srry
You could seek marriage counseling.
I understand that sex doesn’t make or break a deal but making love to your spouse is what helps you become closer to them. You are a way bigger person than I am for staying with her and working on your marriage. My ex husband cheated on me and I couldn’t get past the betrayal, dishonestly, and deception in which he placed in our marriage. I wish you the best of luck my friend but you did notice that I said ex husband. I can’t live with someone I can’t trust, and you were out defending our country…how dare she?
You will need to enter into some marriage counseling in order to save your marriage if that is what you really want to do. Overcoming an affair is one of the most difficult things a marriage has to endure, and you will need help in order to get over what your wife has done to you.
In order to move on you must forgive her for what happened — I’m not saying you have to forgive her today, but you will have to be able to forgive her eventually, otherwise the marriage will not work out. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting she betrayed you, but it does mean moving on and not mentioning it, etc. If you do not think this is something you would EVER be able to do, then it is not fair to remain in the marriage. It is unfair to you because you do not want to spend the rest of your life torturing yourself on a daily basis, however it is also unfair to your wife because she does not deserve to pay for one mistake for the rest of her life, every day.
Granted what she did was very wrong and she has a lot of making up to do with you, however if you’re willing to give her another chance, eventual forgiveness is essential. And no, you are certainly not a bad person — all the feelings you described above are perfectly normal.
Please see a marriage counselor.
Good luck.
she has no sex drive – but she didn’t have a problem conceiving a child with another man? I am sorry, but she is a slut!
Sorry to hear that. You are not a bad person, you should stay if you really think you can have a good relationship again. If not move on, although you were deployed she made the choice to chet and even conceive a child. People make mistakes, and she might have been driven by loneliness. You would have to come back and see. The child will be a constant reminder of the infidelity and if you will not be able to handle that and treat it like your own. Cut your losses and just be a father to your daughter there are plenty of women out there that could love you and be faithful to you while you are deployed because it will happen again and you will be wondering what she is doing. You guys need serious counseling and complete honesty about what caused this to be able to move forward and be happy.
Is she still pregnant with that other man’s child? Are you strong enough to have that child with your family as a constant reminder???? If you don’t think so, then maybe you should still consider divorce… HOWEVER, I’m all for reconciling with your marriage… don’t get me wrong.. but some men would find it IMPOSSIBLE to love the other man’s child as HIS OWN and that is what you would have to do…. Women’s sex drive is not as great as mens for the most part… and if your wife has truly stopped her affair, then SHE has probably gotten used to not having sex…. so it may be difficult for HER as well …but no marriage is easy, they ALL require a lot of work… YOURS will just require an extremely large amount of work – - especially on YOUR part. I wish you good luck… and hope for the best.
Wow…i am so sorry, i feel bad for you! I completely understand you not wanting to "lay" with your wife after she has been with another man. Let me just say if my husband ever man oh man ide be in the same boat as you…you are not a bad person you are in such an emotional place right now whether to work on things or just say how could you and never look back. If you and your wife are willing to move on from this situation then you two need to do just that forgive you will NEVER forget so remember that. This has to be something of the past though to get through although its going to take months maybe even years but once its done and talked about do it to where it is not brought up again..get all your questions and concerns out make sure that the resentment goes completely away or in a year or 5 you will be looking at your wife with a glare instead of a glow. She has lost her sex drive or just with you. You need to talk about that as well…if counseling doesnt help the situation maybe you two just need to spice things up a bit..also talk about the baby that is coming and that situation you dont want to put that child in a bad place for your wife making a mistake. Good luck and i hope all goes well
I am a Military Wife and would never cheat on my husband ever, but to do that while he is deployed and risking his life is insane and thoughtless. You must really love her to want to stay with her after that, my suggestion is counseling. If your wife is not willing to do that they she is not willing to make the relationship work. Some women are not strong enough to deal with the military life, but that is no excuse to cheat on your spouse. She does not deserve to be with you. And as a military wife and proud American, thank you for serving our country.
My husbands friend went through the same thing while they were deployed. His wife cheated and got pregnant by another man. He went through hell but they worked everything out and seem to be doing good now. So it is possible to put it behind you.
I do agree with Trisha though. It’s not hard to stay faithful to someone you love. My husband was deployed for 15 months and I would have never even thought of doing something like that.
You know it’s awfully hard to forgive and forget when your soul mate has committed the ultimate diseption. It takes alot of power and wisdom to deal it out. She needs to see how it has hurt you. which Im sure she does. Can you forgive? Can you love her after this? Trust is the basis to a lasting love. Your story is one that appens alot. Your not a bad person. Trust what I say A family that prays together stays together. Im not over religous either. You need counciling from a church. That type of counciling is about keeping a family together not dividing them. As far as the other fellow you need to ask him and her what part will he play in this. Its got to be fair to you or its not I repeat it wont work . randylewis7@yahoo.com
Can you accept that child as your own?
If you can, you might be able to make this work (and you’re a better man than I). He or she is always going to be there as a constant reminder.
You definitely should get marriage counseling.
I don’t know how you will ever be able to trust her again with your job and how much time you spend apart. If you stay together you really need a new job.
I am sorry but i think cheating (especially on your military spouse) is a deal breaker not to mention being stupid and getting pregnant. You shouldnt feel bad and you dont owe her anything. What you need to do is go out and find an amazing woman who will treat you like you should be treated. There is no reason for a woman to cheat while her man is gone wether its while they are at work or while they are gone over seas. Hearing about these things makes me so angry. There is no logic in it. If you arent happy with your spouse and dont care enough to wait for them to come home then you should end the relationship before going out and getting someone else. If you feel that you could be able to trust her again then go for it but in reality do you ever think you can forgive her for what she did while you were overseas protecting everything she has.
This site is the last place you want to go for help. Most of these people are young and don’t know a thing about life yet. When I was in the military, they had counseling for wives having affairs when husband is overseas, it happens more then you think. Find out about that.
Not likely going to happen.. you both already resent each other.. Move on.
First of all, hats of to you brother for forgiving your wife. You clearly love her. I am concerned, however, that she had sex with someone soon after you had left. Do you trust her?
What you are feeling is completely normal. Trust is earned, and I highly recommend that you quickly go for Christian counseling together as soon as you get back. She may have lost her sex drive, but quite frankly, she made the choice to cheat (not you) so sex between the two of you is critical (and understandably, will be difficult for you).
You have done nothing wrong. She needs to show you that her love for you is unconditional, and that healing in your heart will take time.
You sound like a smart person, so you know the first step is forgiveness, not to be confused with forgetting it, that wont happen, at the next step is open and honest communication, anger doesn’t go with this so try to be calm and non confronting as possible, this way her defenses are not triggered up, and the conversation will remain open. You feel she is dirty now, tainted, its normal reaction not to want to lay with her, have her test for STD’s and in a few months have her tested again, this way you have an outlet to show she is clean. You said she got pregnant from the Jody that a tough one there. I have no advice except you she keeps it then you have to accept the baby which will be probably the hardest thing of all, but the remember the baby isn’t at fault or in the wrong, you may not be the babies father but you certainly can still be it Dad. Her being non sexually active is another issue, didn’t seem to stop her from screwing the Jody, so I would think that sex had become a routine chore rather then a pleasure, mix things up in the future buy some adult toys, use flavored oils and powder, get kinky see if that helps. I wish you well from one soldier to another.
just tell her to put out or get out that is what my husband told me when my sex drive took a dive
You are not a bad person but she is a filthy wife. You will never get over it, just like me. Since she is carrying someone’s child, are you going to be responsible for that too. You may be a kind and big hearted man, but there’s always a limit to being generous. Don’t be a fool, if your wife loves you as much as you do, will she cheat on you? If she is not interested in sex, just let her be. In short, dump her.
She is not worth it, sorry to say this but it’s the truth.
Love is forgiving. Love is understanding. The first thing you need to do is that both of you have to talk openly, know the problem and think of a solution. Whatever the outcome, at least you’ve been proactive about it. Goodluck!