I am a step mom (or soon to be) of a wonderful 2 and a half year old little girl. My boyfriend and I have been together now for a year and a half. My boyfriend and his ex wife separated when the baby was only a few months old, (no I was not the reason) at that time the ex wife took advantage of the fact that he felt guilt for the marriage failing and that he didn’t know that he could’ve stopped her and she moved out of state back to her hometown, half way across the country. This will be a second marriage for both of us, we’ve known each other since we were kids… at any rate, his ex wife kept their daughter in her homestate and wouldn’t allow visitation to him or his family unless they flew out to see her, which he did several times. When he and I first started dating I didn’t know the specifics of their divorce or their previous agreements so I kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it. He flew out there every 6 weeks to spend anywhere from 5-7 days with her, which ended up being only two days at a time. His ex would let him keep their dauhter for more than two days and then would make him bring her back to her and then he could keep her for another two days before he left… which to me is BS since your making him go all that way and he isnt getting to spend the quality time with her that he was looking to or that she told him he could, but again I kept my mouth shut.
Now over the past year I have given him some advice. I got him to speak up to her and request that she or he be allowed to bring their daughter back here for visitation for him and his family, mind you the family and her (the ex) don’t get along at all, so his parents didn’t see their only grandchild for almost a year, which really bothers me, coming from a tight knit family. I told him I thought he should seek out custody arrangements with an attorney to have the courts appoint visitation so that he is guaranteed to get his time with her, which he has done, we are still waiting on the courts though. Meanwhile, since he has pursued an attorney the ex wife is allowing their daughter to come and stay with us for a few weeks every few months, which is great!
My dilema is that his ex wife doesn’t see me as anything but just a girlfriend. Yes if you want to be technical I am… BUT at the same time, I am going to be marrying her ex and be their daughters step mom, so I will be a major part of their daughters life. I know I don’t have the right to make life decisions on their daughters behalf, But I am the one who she spends a lot of time (which I am grateful for) with if he gets stuck working when she is here, he works shifts and he cant always get the time off he requests (since he is low man at his job and my job is very flexible with time off I take as much time as we need for her). How do I get his ex-wife to start including me in travel plans and such? Or even recognizing that I am here to stay and I am not going anywhere so she has to deal with me as well! When their daughter is here, we follow ALL of the same rules her mother has for her at her house, bed times, nap times, snack times, dinner times etc., even down to the time outs if she misbehaves (as much as we hate to) we want this transition from our house to hers to be as easy as possible and want her to know that different houses doesn’t mean there are different rules! I also want her to know about the things I try to do or have done with her when she is here, so that she doesn’t feel like an outsider. Is there I way that I can try to develop some type of relationship with my future husbands ex, that is healthy and open as opposed to it being a resentful and painstaking relationship?
Sorry this is a little long winded, I am trying to give you all a background on the relationship as it is now… feel free to ask questions
Thank you for your responses… and any additional info you can offer me is extremely helpful also!
Lovin_Life… I do not think you are too young at all, in fact I think it is great that you responded because it opens my eyes to the other side, the kid side and I love that! As adults we sometimes lose sight of how the child feels and that isnt right. We need to include them every step of the way, which is what I try to do with her when she is here, even though she is so young, I think when she gets older she will appreciate that more!
THANK YOU
and to Domi E thank you for your honesty, I held my breathe posting this b/c I was prepared for someone to bash me telling me I need to know my roll and back out of the childs life or something similar, since I read other Step Parenting questions prior to posting this one.
Thank you!


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