What can I do to save my marriage when my husband is an alcoholic?
My husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for seven years. I have tried for nearly four years to get him to get help for himself and lead a more sober life. This including a year of marriage counseling. I am moving out next week. I still love him but know I can no longer live with an alcoholic. Is there anything I can do to get him to get help for himself and hopefully save our marriage???
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Tagged with: marriage • marriage counseling • seven years • sober life
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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if he is not causing injury to you physically when he is drunk, you need not worry about his only one vice. we are to adjust ourselves.otherwise, if it is unbearable for you when he takes a drink like his behavior of a sadist, my advise to you is to tell some person in whom your husband has faith and convince your husband for a visit to psychiatrist, who will use some behavior modification techniques like aversion therapy which will be useful.
Sad to say no.
Not that it can not happen but if you are the only one doing the work (as this sound) this just has no happy ending.
My guess is you know this already.
The best way to help him, is by showing him that you will no longer tolertate his behavior, and congratualations, you are doping just that, by moving out. He needs to see that what he is doing is really hurting you. Moving out is an active way of showing him that what he is doing has a serious affect on you. It might take him a while to accept that he needs to get help for himself, and that day might not come for years…but you need to think about YOURSELF and YOUR health. His being an alchoholic is not helping you. You have done all that you can do for him, now it’s time to step back, reconnect with yourslef, and your needs, and allow him to descover for himself that a change needs to happen. Hope that helps! God bless!
That will be more useless if you keep trying to get help for him and for your marriage while he doesn’t really want to help himself. After all, your life is precious and I believe you don’t want to waste it, right? Then, it’s the time to say goodbye. So sorry for that.
Yes, you know the answer. Unfortunately, people need to see rock bottom before they can help themselves up. Think of it this way…if you leave and he straightens up, then you have done seven years worth of work in a few months. If he drinks himself into more and more trouble, then he loves the bottle and feeling sorry for himself more than he loves you and your marriage.
There are many good men in the world. Don’t sell your only life to this man’s problems. It is not worth it.
Best of luck to you.
Help yourself….go to A A…they are very helpful in guiding people like yourself……i think that is a decision your husband must make on his own, to quit.
Until your husband wants help because he believes that alcohol is ruining his life, no one and nothing will work. Take my word!!
Lifes problems are buffered by the alcohol for him, but you are taking it all on raw nerve; eventually you will look like the problem because you WILL begin to behave irrationally if you continue to try to FIX another human, especially an alcoholic. The reason being …… they really believe there is no problem, they forget many things they do and so they deny it and there is no way to effectively discuss the issue for they are never sober enough to think right and as I said, they believe there is no problem. Get out while you still have some sanity girl!!
Take him to a 12 step program
u 2 start drinkin da !!! u ll enjoy happy marrige life forever
First, I have to address a comment by libido:
"…if he is not causing injury to you physically when he is drunk, you need not worry about his only one vice."
Physical assault doesn’t have to factor into the equation. Alcohol or any substance abuse has ravaging effects on family members. Emotional turmoil and instability, financial burden (any idea how much it costs to support an addict’s habit?), psychological damage (family members oftentimes think the drinking has to do with them..something they did), sexual dysfunction, lack of trust, lack of communication, lack of connection, just to name a few of the effects. The addiction IS the abuse. It’s an assault on every aspect of a relationship.
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Having said that, Patty, let me just say I’m proud of you for two things: 1) loving your husband enough to want to help him, and not just abandoning him at the first sign of trouble, and 2) for removing yourself from a volatile and potentially dangerous situation. The step you’re taking (moving out) doesn’t have to equal divorce. The fact that you’re putting your foot down (telling your husband that you’re no longer going to support his addiciton) will, hopefully, shock him into reality. You’re telling him that you value your own life and sanity enough to want to stay that way in order to better help him.
The best thing you can do for him is let him hit rock bottom. HE has to come to the realization that his addiction is costing him all that he holds dear. There is nothing you can do (short of intervention…and that may not even help) that will get him to change. He has to change himself…FOR himself.
The best thing you can do for yourself (and is good for him, also) is draw clear-cut boundaries. Be very specific: I will not tolerate alcohol in my presence; I will not spend time with you when you’ve been drinking; I will no longer support your addiction from a financial or emotional/psychological standpoint; I will not live with you unless and until you get (not seek…*get*) professional help, get sober and stay sober; etc. You make up your list as you see fit, but be very specific and be very firm. He doesn’t need an enabler; he needs a tough lover.
Make it clear to him that you love him and that you want the best for him and for you both as a couple. Make it clear that you want to remain married but that it is only under condition of sobriety. And most importantly, make it clear that what happens from that point on is HIS choice. HE chooses to save the marriage or end it by choosing his addiction over you.
And pray for him.
God bless you. I know your pain.
P.S. Get yourself into an AlAnon Family group session. You may find a source of great support while you’re going through this very difficult phase.
P.P.S. I heard about this guy on Oprah a while back. His name is Jeff Van Vonderven. He’s an addiction specialist who may be able to help you map out a plan. I included his web link below.
he have to want to change befor e he will
NO!He is not going to change.Ever!Is it fair to be the only one in a couple?
You are doing the right thing by moving out to show him that you will no longer put up with that. He has to see how bad you are really hurting and it is ruining your marraige. He has to want to get the help hisself until then just let him know you still love him but you have to take a stand….good luck
If you do not have children with this man and do not have to worry about their safety (if you were forced to share custody of them), then run. Run as fast as you can and never look back. I don’t mean that flippantly. You are doing the right thing and you will be so much better off for it. I wish I had done the same thing…instead, my life is pure, unadultered hell.
If you really want to try and save it maybe try and get him into and AA class. Tell him how important he is to you and how much you love him. Try and be there for him and if you have kids make sure they are there to show their support as well.
I think moving out and not having contact with him until he gets sober may save the marriage, if not it wqill save you and the kids
Find some disulfiram. The slightest sip of alcohol will make someone that took disulfiram violently ill that many use it as a deterent to not drink.
Your husband is the one who has to want to save the marriage. You can’t save it by yourself, and you can’t save him. I think you have to cut your losses and get out.
Nothing more you can do. The best thing is to let him go so he doesn’t make you crazy too. He has to hit bottom (whatever that may be for him). Then he will seek treatment. He has to be ready mentally to do this. I hope he does it sooner rather than later for his sake. . . .
have you tried Alcoholics Anonymous
You may find this an unconventional way of thinking about this but here goes;
I believe that people, especially marriage partners, end up together for a reason.
You may have been chosen to stick with this man and try and help him.
Alcoholism is a disease, if he had cancer would you be divorcing him?
I probably drink too much myself, but I only do it when I have too much stress in my life.
and I do mean stress…..
I suggest you examine your soul, as you may be the "Angel" that was sent to him for a reason.
Lots of luck…Shalom
No, there is nothing you can do. He has to do the whole thing himself. If he loves you and your children as well, he will literally go down to the fires of hell and out to rehabilitate himself. Alcoholism is a sad, sad, situation. I tried to help out a friend once. For many years, I seriuosly tried. Yet, I noticed that the more I tried to help him, the more pity he took on himself. Heck, I even tried to double date, and darn it, the girl that was supposed to go out with him fell in love with me! I got married and went on my way. He is in S. Carolina doing Lord knows what.
You did what you could. Don’t kick yourself!
Save yourself..trying to rescue someone who is alcoholic is a dead end and hopeless endeavor. Moving is something you really need to do. You cannot get him to do anything. It is hard to walk away from someone you love…but you must have enough love for yourself to get out of a toxic situation. Best wishes to you.
If you stay with him you will live with an alcoholic. This condition never goes away. He can be a recovering alcoholic and that is probably what you want.
The best results in alcoholic treatment have come from one organization which has been around a lot longer than most medical treatments.
Alcoholics Anonymous and its partner program for wives and husbands of alcoholics, Al-Anon, have been highly effective as both a treatment and as a support group.
Leaving him may be the "wet slap in the face" he needs to want to straighten himself out. Bear in mind, that this is a medical condition. It is not a character fault, not a purely behavioral problem, but a treatable disease.
He can be a good person, a good man, a good husband and a good father and still be an alcoholic.
My late father-in-law was such a man. He began his recovery in 1954 and remained married. He died in 1999 after several years of strokes, which may have been a result of his numerous injuries and drunken episodes. We will never really know.
Good luck and God bless both of you.