Trying to save marriage because wife is no longer in love, no sex?
It’s been aprx 4 months now since my wife has told me she doesn’t love me. We don’t fight and get along fine. We have 2 boys in their teens.
She will not get intimate with me and says she must be "in love" in order to have sex. She is not pursuing another relationship, she got a new job that pays more then mine so she is comfortable if I were to leave.
We have 18yrs invested in our marriage. I’ve said some very hurtful things and took our marriage for granted but I’ve commited to make changes in myself and it feels like I’m making progress in our marriage but it’s still lacking intimacy. I plan on asking her to at least try on becoming intimate (even if we don’t go all the way) with me.
My question is. If she is not willing to try and become intimate should I give up or keep trying. As far as I know she is happy with the current arraigment.
PS. I am seriously considering paying a hooker to relieve my sexual tension to get me through this rough time. any thoughts?
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Tagged with: 18yrs • 4 months • hooker • intimacy • job • love quot • Love Sex • marriage • new job • relationship • rough time • sexual tension
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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I have a couple of thoughts. First, as a woman, I understand your wife’s feelings about needing to be in love to have sex. What I would guess, though, is your wife is still hurt and angry over whatever has caused her to fall out of love with you. Having sex tends to bring people closer and is a shared, intimate act. She may feel like if she does that with you then she has let her walls down again and is going to get hurt. She may not trust you enough to let that happen to her again. She could also be using sex to control and punish you for hurting her. Most women know that this is a fundamental need for men, and they also know that if they "withold" that from their men, the men will eventually seek it elsewhere. She could be setting you up to have an affair and then blame you for the affair so that she can play the "victim" role and get sympathy as well as a divorce where she can claim no responsibility. I would hope that this is just about what she says it is. That she has just been hurt, and if you’ve said really mean things, then you’ve probably deeply damaged her self-esteem. That takes time to rebuild, and by you being patient and not pushing the issue – by being consistently loving and helping around the house, telling her she’s beautiful, writing little love notes, basically "romancing" or "courting" her like you did when you first got her to fall in love with you, you can rekindle that love and then the sex will be something that happens naturally. I would hope that this is all that it is, and for the sake of your children and family, and the amount of time invested in the marriage, you will be able to heal the hurts and fall in love again. I would NOT push the sex issue unless you honestly have been doing your part in being loving, forgiving, and trying to let her know how much she and the marriage means to you. A woman KNOWS when a man is just out for a lay. It would be better for you and your hand to have a date then to rush her and ruin the progress you’ve made up to this point by seeming to only want sex and not care about her feelings. On the other hand, I believe that when a man and woman get married, they are to do as the bible says, and "become one flesh" I’m not a real religious person, but I do believe that spouses need to not use sex as a weapon in marriage, and that they do have a responsibility to each other to bond in this way. I think it’s wrong of your wife to deny you physical closeness for 4 months with no end in sight and kind of hang that like a carrot in front of you. I don’t blame you for wanting to look elsewhere, but please don’t!!!! There are so many diseases and not only that, once you go elsewhere you will no longer feel the need to heal your relationship and eventually this will lead to the end of it – with you exposed to your friends and family as a hooker-seeking evil cheater. Nobody is going to care that your wife treated you this way, you will lose financially and break your own heart. What I would do is sit down with your wife and explain that you love her, and you’re so sorry that you’ve hurt her. DON’T talk about having sex, tell her that you miss "making love" with her because you felt closer to her and that loving her (don’t use carnal terms here) is something that is very special to you and something that you feel empty without. Then tell her that you UNDERSTAND (don’t blame her even if it’s her damn fault lol) her feelings and you want so much to fix the relationship and you want HER to feel happy again. Then DON’T do anything other than hold her hand and snuggle (hugs, touching lightly on the arm, massaging her neck, or helping with dishes (guys always laugh at this, but I promise…a guy doing the dishes is the best foreplay EVER to a tired mother/wife) I know you will feel like you’re going OUT of your mind not having sex, but try and just masterbate for the sake of saving your marriage just for a little while!!! If you build her up with kind words, caring actions (women always watch your actions to see if they match what you are saying) and no matter what you do don’t argue!!!! Do push ups, run, punch something, do yardwork – anything that can get that testosterone out for a little while. I promise you will see miracles happen if you can just be patient. Let her come to YOU and she will fall in love with you all over. Try not to talk about your needs right now, as she will only feel more hurt that that is all you care about. I know this sounds so one sided, and it will feel that way for a little while. But, because you have taken her for granted for such a long time, it will take a little while to prove to her that you have changed. IF time just keeps going on (and this process may take a few weeks, maybe a month or two or longer) and she is still not giving anything back, still keeping herself from you, then maybe it is time to start thinking about whether or not the marriage is salvagable. Don’t cheat, no matter what. I know this is hard to do when you have needs, too, but you will get screwed in court. I have a very good friend who got herpes from a prostitute and then gave it to his wife, they were finally patching things up – it ruined his life, his career, his family – all for sex. Take one day at a time and don’t give up! You are an incredible man for taking responsibility and for trying to make changes in your life. Don’t knock yourself for being human, at least you’re making the changes now and she should come around if you’re just patient. It probably took her awhile to get so upset, and when a woman closes her heart…it can take a lot to get it open again. Just remember romance, and save all the guy comments for your guy friends…don’t let her know you are lusting her, she won’t understand it and will just take it as another slam like you only want her for sex. Good luck and I wish you the best. I would also suggest that you remember to take care of yourself just in case she is secretely planning on ending the marriage (put some money away, etc.) just in case, but keep your focus on your marriage. After you’ve given it your all, even if it doesn’t work out, you will have no regrets and know that you did your very best. IF she continues to hold out on you, then she is abusing YOU and punishing you. No different then if you kept one of her fundamental needs away from her because YOU were mad and angry at her. Hope it gets better for you! Hang in there!
You guy’s need some serious marriage counseling. Without that, I doubt things will change….for whatever reasons, she has fallen out of love with you.
You need to have a serious talk with her…….you cant live like that forever.
Bail out. Chances are she is sleeping with someone else. Dont stress over the time you have wasted with this worthless woman, just put her out.
get a cyberflesh vagina or a fleshlight..hubby has one when i cant have sex
better then getting an STD! or prison time for being with a hooker
You are not thinking. What if your wife is on the verge of getting back with you and she finds out you have been with a hooker. Do you think that will help? You said you have been working on yourself but I don’t think that statement is good evidence of that. It looks like you are thinking of your own needs. I am sure you are not being selfish you are proably just lonely for her but its how things look that it important sometimes especially when you are trying to convince someone you really love them. Here is good advice about women. Women in general, need to feel emotinally close before they are physically close. If you want sex, work on emotional closeness. Stop asking for it all the time and God, don’t get sex from someone else. Talk to her, learn how she is feeling, think about how you feel in love in the first place, find out what changes you could make together to help your marriage.
Join the crowd. been there done that,, and guess what,, we divorced,, and while it has not been a walk in the park,, it is better than it was. So the flame has died,, well, then,, she does not need you and I am betting that she is looking at greemern pastures and you are not grazing in that pasture she is thinking about. So she is making more money than you then you are lucky because she gets to pay child suppot and perhaps even alimony. Now,, if you still love her and I get the feeling you don’t ,, you just need to get your plumbing checked once in a while and she is not willing support you in that regard,, then yes,, you need to sit down with her first and figure out what you two need to do to make your lives better and even more important,, you two have kids at home,, just like I did,, two of the,, replacement units, and guess what,, she and I had a long talk and then once we figured what we were going to do,, she filed for separation and years later I asked for the divorce and guess what,, since she filed for separation,, she was the one who had to ask for the divorce,, that killed her, but hey,, she started it. She wanted to be separated but wanted to stay married,,come on,,she wanted her cake and eat it,, NOT A CHANCE. so the kids as much as they did not like the idea of having divorced parents at least they understood why were were parting our separate ways. They are old enough to understand a little more than if they wer infants. So we all get along and it has been almost two years since our divorce, and we live on two side of the world. I am living and working in the Mid East and she is in the USA. So, time to do something to make life easier for all of you,, including the kids,, show them how to deal with such matters and hopefully they will learn from your actions. ablieve me they will learn from it,, so they will think twice about who they marry and what are the real reasons for marrying. Or they may opt to live a casual life,, depending on how your and your wife handle the situation and how well you explain t your kids how you should prevent from coming to this juncture. There are lessons to be learned here,, for all from all. Good luck to you all,, you will all need it.
i think that its good that you are aware that you have said some hurtful things to your wife . if she is still staying with you , means according to me , she still cares for you .dont speed things , she need some time , to see the changes in you , in your relationship , she needs to feel reassured that she will not be hurt again . it seems to me that , she might not show it , but she is hurt inside . a 18yrs relationship , is the type of relationship you cannot let go of . go step by step , stop asking for intimacy , but create situations where you find both of you alone together , try to rediscover her , appreciate her , show her how much you care , but do prepare yourself because she will be on her guards , afraid that you might be playing with her feelings ….
when she will feel that you are sincere , and you do really care , she will start showing her feelings for you …
dont go into extramarrital affairs only for physical pleasure –
trust in you and in your relationship, it worked for 18yrs , y should you fail it now …..be patient , very patient if you still really love her …
best of luck ….
you will not save anything if you get extramarrital sex.. that is for sure. instead, you can try, if she acepts to bring that old spark in your life. Act romantic, bring flowers, make compliments, a trip over the week-end someplace.. remembr how you used to court her. If it doesn’t work.. maybe leaving will be the next solution, and the most fair for the both of us. But assuming that she still wants you in her life.. give it a shot. Forget sex for a while, and stop acting like this is your main target. She’ll feel it and get away.
time to bring in the third party : marriage counselor.
take help from your local church for spiritual counseling.
i am in the same boat. 6 months for me, she says she would rather be alone. it is a mental hang up and let the problem go to long, she loses her sex drive. there may be no coming back. i know it sucks. she wont starve her children, food, water,but she will let you starve for intimacy
Leave this woman ASAP.
She is fine with things as they are and has no interest in changing your marriage.
Get rid of her and move on.
it’s not so easy whit this girls,you must try to understand her and then the thinks are going better
Your marriage break and misunderstandings do not seem to irreconcilable as she has not moved our or asked you to move out of the home. All it needs is a bit time and some good understanding and communication between the two of you.
As for as a hooker, please stay away lest you spoil any chances of a reconciliation.
I have the same situation with my husband and he got bad advice from his family and friends to leave me and find another woman from the dating site. He took the first one that came along who was easy and willing to give him sex straighaway base on his side of his story. She was as desperate as he was in intimacy and they both went along had sex first meeting.
I was waiting for his assurance of his love after 22 years of marriage, upon his discovery of cell phone affairs (no sex), I asked him for a divorce base on my unhappiness and his disrespectful manners over the years. Intimacy still happened between us for sometimes while I was still not sure about his promises of change. He was drinking every night from the stress and also his addiction, then he asked for binding financial agreement for me to sign for 50/50 if I decided to leave, which I disagree to sign unless I get my legal rights. He earned a good income and I don\’t as a part time employee with four teenagers. Our 2 houses were bought by my parents and why would I want to sign 50/50 if I was not happy with him? What proof of love he gave me by mentioning this things at the time of my unsureness.
So we argued about it during our 4 month together and his parents were advising him to leave me first month of the discovery of my affair which I though were harmless just to feel happy chatting and be in love and loved by another man, eventhough I know it is wrong and hurtful if discovered.
So I did not initiate intimacy with him unless he tried and be loving but as soon as we get talking about the property again, it turned me off. He was too obsessed with me leaving him taking the houses and I also stood my ground, thinking if he really loves me, he would not care about it just to win me back and we would just live on both, 100% or nothing for a bad husband.
So the arguments were too much for me, when he decided to separate, I agreed as I think maybe it is time for us to be apart for a while so that he would learn how to live without me and the kids. And I would have time to spend quality time with my children without looking after him and arguments. I know I love him and I am happy when he was loving and paid attention to my emotional needs. I just want him to proof his love without mentioning the houses and how right is his family about bad things about me. He agreed that his family said I was disrespectful to them when making a joke and other petty innocent mistakes, etc, etc.
When he moved out with this woman, they had several intimacy a week before, which I was not aware. 3 weeks later, I found out that my husband found someone else, without knowing any details, I asked him to come back and save our marriage.
He gave me conditions again, he would come back if I signed 50/50, apologizing to his parents. I agreed and want him back that day.
Then during the first week we argued again, I found out all the details about the third party and felt hurt then I was unsure to do 50/50 as I felt that if I do, he might go back to her and she was a separated single mother with a much older man 34 years older with a young daughter, left him because he put his will for his daughter only.
Now found a vulnerable younger man with good income leaving his wife.
She had another son from failed marriage as well before that.
She was a looser in my eyes and working hard to alienated affection to wife by encourage him to leave me for good. Promise him all the cares and sex fantasy he desires. My husband watched internet porn. He was in a happy place when I asked him to come back. I realized that I should give him the chance before he look for someone else.
He left me again and live with her for another 3 months..then he came back oneday..asking me to take him back and left her instantly. I took him back thinking he has realized his biggest mistake of his life and love me as I know he does but stupidly & wrongly made the bad decision in saving the marriage….and now we both back in our marriage & stick to the vows…
I did not sign the 50/50..building trust, marriage counselling and anti depressant.
It\’s been 1 year since we are back together..the children were affected badly and recovering..we are happy but still a lot of pain left from the past…
Third party still linger around without remorse..as someone who still care..the \"savior\" & the marriage wrecker.. in laws are still distant and there is no way for me to accept them..they have replaced me instantly with the other woman for his son, disregard our children wellbeing & welfare during our separation by openly celebrating a few special occassion with them and gave his son a lump sum of money to start a new life.
I wish to sue the third party & his family who encourage him to leave me and still hoping up till now for him to change his mind. Worst of all they still angry about him coming back to his wife & children. No support for him just a threat of cutting him out of their will.
Everyone can make mistake and sex is not the only solution to get out the situation..if you want to save the marriage…I don\’t agree jumping to another sexual relationship ..on rebound, it\’s morally wrong, immature & leaf of faith..
If you really want to make it work you should go see a marriage counselor. It’s great that you’re commited to trying to fix things and right past wrongs.
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