I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year (and been very good friends for about 2 and a half). I just found out something from my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend (I’ll call her Robin to minimize confusion). He told me a couple of times when we were having fights that maybe it would be a good idea to go talk to Robin to see what was wrong with their relationship to improve our own.

Anyway, this situation is complicated. They dated for maybe a little more than 6 months off and on about a year before he knew me. So it’s been like 3 years since they were together. She ended up having leukemia. Her step father is actually my boyfriend’s older brother (which is the reason he said they "couldn’t be together").

He broke up with her 3 times while they were off and on. The first time it was because of difficulties with her being allowed to drive to his house, and his older brother telling him how to treat her. Robin dated someone else. Then she was diagnosed with cancer, and ended that relationship. She went through chemo, lost her hair. Then he started, as she said, "being nice to her", and they got back together. She said she thought it was great. But she was in the hospital and 3 months after they were together that time, he broke up with Robin, because his past love (the one he calls his first true love), came back, and he couldn’t pass that up. So he was with that girl 2-3 months. Then this girl’s father told her he wasn’t good enough for her, and they broke up and he came back to Robin.

She told me at this point "i’m not retarded" and hinted that they ended it pretty soon after that.

My boyfriend says that they ended the relationship because of the new family situation, her step father being his older brother. But when we first got together, he said that he would say I love you, but he didn’t mean it the way he meant to me, like it didn’t mean as much when he was with Robin. He always says "she lost her hair but I didn’t care". And he always talked about it like he fell out of love with her and she was the one that loved him.

I took him up on his offer and contacted her when we were having a big fight. She told me that one time when we weren’t speaking, and we were on a break, that he had texted "I still love you to her". She said that she told him they could never be together, and she cut contact from him.

I told him, and he said he didn’t know how to tell me in a way i would understand. And he told me "anything you need to make you feel better, i’ll answer anything". He was genuine and told me that he was kinda glad I found out because it bothered him to keep it from me, what he had told Robin that night. I asked, and he said that he still loved her, and I asked him when he was going to move on. And he said "You don’t just forget someone". Her cancer came back recently, and he came to me after seeing her in the hospital and just said "I need someone to talk to" and he couldn’t handle seeing her with all the machines. I told him he should let her know how much he cares, because it may be too late.

We’ve been talking and at first he was understanding, but as I kept asking he would get irritated then calm down and be understanding. But he told me that he doesn’t love anyone the way he loves me, (he clarified and told me, that he loves me more than he’s loved any other girl). He’s told me that before. He’s went through the talk of all his different relationships, and I’ve asked him that. And he thought for a second and told me that I mean more to him than anyone.

After I was upset, I asked him what I could do for him to be happy with me, and he told me that he just wants me to be happy, and he hugged me really tight. He just tells me not to worry about it, but I still do.

I feel like I dont’ have his whole heart. Is there someone that’s been through this? Where it bothers you that your partner still loves their ex? Is it ok? Will he get over it. They obviously will never be able to be together. And it’s like those two relationships ended not from his decision but from something beyond his control. I’m the only one that’s been like no-strings-attatched.

He also said that if his brother didn’t marry her mom, they would still be together. But according to her, she wasn’t gong to stick around.

I asked him that if that impossible situation suddenly went away, and she told him she still loved her, would he leave me for her. And he said, he wouldn’t just leave me for no reason, he’d have to have a good reason.


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