Will “Fireproofing” help save my marriage if my husband hasn’t ended affair? Can this book series impact him?
I love my husband and we have young kids and I’m not ready to end it. I’m thinking his affair is a mid life crisis thing even though he is 35. I think we can work through the bad for the sake of our kids. I just don’t know how to get him to end it with her it’s been well over a year. Any serious suggestions from anyone who has survived infidelity?
1 more thing: married 10 yrs & no sex in 6 months.
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Tagged with: amp • infidelity • mid life crisis • sake • young kids
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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You cannot "Fireproof" something that is already burning. You have to put out the fire and THEN fireproof it.
Since your husband is having a fire in his pants for another woman, there is no sense in trying the fireproof approach, unless you are planning on first dousing him with an extinguisher.
you cant make him end it….and for the life of me, i cant imagine wanting to stay in that situation FOR THE KIDS…thats not healthy!
Oh no… you must be a saint but that’s awesome that you want to work through it instead of just leaving.
But you know, the Bible does say that adultery is an allowable reason to get devorced.
Good Luck…I understand that you want to work things out for your children but what kind of example are you setting by staying with an adulterer? You kind of saying it’s okay to do whatever you wish without suffering any consequences.
If your children are young enough, it shouldn’t affect them too badly if there’s not drama or fighting in front of them.
I know several people who have worked out their relationship after infdelity and survived. I would say trust God, do everything the book tells you to do and see if it will help. It is really up to him too, and you need to make sure that you can face it if he decides that he does not want to work it out. But, remember God is your Father and your comforter. Trust Him to guide you in the direction that you should go. I will be praying for you.
Trust me, it’s not a mid life crisis. You need to talk to him and ask him why he was drawn to this other woman in the first place. Ask him if he feels that you have been ignoring him emotionally/physically. If it’s been over a year though, chances are he has fallen in love with this woman.
I don’t think so. Most cheaters will cheat again. If I were you I would get checked out for venereal disease. Get a good divorce attorney.
If you want to be a doormat stay with him.
i think he rather be with someone that’s in touch with the real world.. like his mistress.
why are you even hanging on? if i cheated on my wife, my @ss is out on the curb. and that has nothing to do with love and everything to do with self respect and esteem, which you have none of either.
Because you know – the vows he swore to you while looking you in the eye – they won’t do.
And the intentions he had when he stood up in public and said he wouldn’t cheat – that means nothing.
What will save it is yet *another* smarmy ham-handed "christian" approach to marriage and adultery. I guess the first 4,000 christian books on adultery didn’t do any good either, huh?
The problem is HIM. He’s an ASSHOLE.
You decide if that’s who you want to stay with. No god in the universe can make up your mind for you on *that*.
For the fireproofing to work, you both have to be on board 110%. It doesn’t sound like he is ready to work on anything.
Focus on the family has some good articles on infidelity
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/questions_and_answers/qa_affairs_and_infidelity/rebuilding_relationship_after_infidelity.aspx
you cant make him end it, but by taking the love dare to fireproof your marriage it might show him what he has at home. Hopefully at some point you will be bale to talk to him without conflict arising and tell him you want to be the only woman in his life. good for you for sticking it out and going the extra mile to work it out.
You are delusional. You don’t really have a marriage, you are just accommodating the sexual desires of the man you married, who has moved on. I’m really sorry for you, but your husband doesn’t care about saving your marriage, he cares about having sex with both of you. He’ll probably keep doing this as long as you let him.
Sometimes things move beyond our control, and no matter how much we want one thing or another, we aren’t able to make it happen.
If you don’t mind sharing your husband, keep doing it. Otherwise, file for a divorce. I think those are really your only two options.
Hon…no offense…but if you are "holding on for the kids" they will not thank you.
If he is cheating now, he wants to.
No midlife crisis…just a man who can’t be faithful.
You can choose to accept it…or you can leave, but you can’t "change" him.
And have yourself tested thoroughly for STD’s.
Good luck.
Have you sat down with him and asked him: What is it that he gets from her that he doesn’t get from you? If he won’t answer it could be that he is afraid you can’t "fix the problem".
Is he still attracted to you? Have you taken care of your body over the years? Are the two of you sexually compatible? Were you starving him of sex before he started the affair?
He won’t stop until you figure out what she has that you don’t.
dang…did u say your husband is having an affair with a nother women…gurl i dont think you should stay with him because people have vows to stay together forever…he broke his vow by cheating on you like ma dad use to tell me all because u have kids dont mean u cant move on…..
The thing is, do you want to survive or do you want to live? You can survive and die a slow death by staying where you are or start to live by getting out. I was involved with it with my ex wife end and there wasn’t a thing I could do. She had what she wanted and I no longer mattered to her, she was ready to give up her kids to get it. Sure, you might be able to put things back together, but after a year I am having my doubts about that, it’s just handier for him not to have to contend with a divorce, but would you ever fully trust him again? Or would you have to wonder everytime he’s out doing something. Is that how you expected to spend your life? He’s got a mommy for his kids and a mistress for his bedroom, something he felt he needed because he felt you couldn’t do both. And that’s a common thing that a lot of men have trouble with that once their wife becomes a mother their focus changes and they are no longer the only one to spend time with and then when you’re too tired he feels you’re cold, that the 14 hour day you put in didn’t surpass his 8 hours. He might come home if you could do what she is doing for him, but do you think you could do that day after day with everything else you do?
Do you have a sister? I would love to marry some broad, screw around on her and have her make excuses for me. That is the life!
If the affair has been going on for over a year, I think the damage is unrepairable. If you haven’t had sex with him in 6 months, I say "Bravo" to you!
I know how hard it is to leave the one you love. Especially when children are involved. My fiance cheated on me for about 2 days in the beginning of our relationship. I forgave him, because I too had cheated. He said he already knew, but me admitting it still drives him crazy to this day.
Anyways, this is my advice to you:
My Mother has stuck by her marriage, through her husbands pedophilia, infedelity & mental abuse. I grew up in that type of household. I love my Mother more than anyone else. She taught me everything I needed to know, except one: How to be Weak. That is my fear of who I am. A weak person….
sweetie i havent been in this situation as u but i dont think the affair is going to stop.. sorry..
Your a FOOL! Your thinking of your kids and he is thinking about his loins and you KNOW he is cheating and just sitting back "for the sake of the kids". The best thing you can do for your kids is to raise them in a house of love not deception and stupidity.
This man is not going to give up other women …when you ALLOW him to be with you and other women. Have some sense of pride woman!!
I’m not sure anything could save this marriage. You have allowed your husband to carry on an affair for over a year and you think a book could save your marriage. Your first mistake was not putting your foot down when this affair came to light. Your second is staying there and being the doting little wife. Why would he leave her? I mean really this guy has his cake and is eating it too. While you are content being the victim. And to blame this on mid life, wrong, there is no good excuse for cheating. I’ll tell you what your are going to do. You are going to put on your big girl panties, put your foot down and demand that this end now, today or he needs to pack his shit and get out of your home. Offer to go to counseling with him to repair the marriage only if he ends this affair TODAY. What you are doing is giving him permission to carry on the affair. Stop that right now. Show him that you are not going to accept this from him anymore. If he loves you he will get the message. If he doesn’t then trust me you are better off and your children will be better off in a healthy home than this dysfunctional home you have now. I know, been there done that. Almost killed me but, I’m so much better now and I look back and think to myself, what was I thinking. Really, how can you let him come from being with her to your house and carry on like normal?????
Red
unless your kids have no feelings, or are completely unobservant they already know something is wrong. Staying for the kids just leaves them in an unhappy situation longer and teaches them its ok to break a promise. YOU need to take the steps to make you happier, because only then will the children truely be happy. Besides YOU deserve to be loved and cherrished. Let karma take care of the husband and his ho they both deserve to be lonely for the rest of their lives not you.
Not much will help if he chooses to continue his affair and has no consequences. He can sit on the fence and have you both. Neither of you are forcing him to make a decision.
Don’t give him excuses. At 35, he has a way to go to be ‘midlife’. He may have issues, but that is not his real problem. Sometimes, you have to risk exposing the affair to the light of day and having consequences to wake him up out of the fog of self delusion.
Protect yourself and your children. Consider getting some legal advice just in case he doesn’t do the right thing. You need to have a plan, financially and for the children’s custody. He may not play nice if he decides to leave you for the other woman.
I suggest the following books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
"Surviving an Affair" by W. Harley. Dr. Harley has some good suggestions for the wayward spouse who will not give up the affair.
You cannot fix this alone. Counseling might help you cope. Marriage counseling might be helpful, but very limited if he continues his affair.
This is a very stressful and difficult thing to go through. Try to take care of yourself.
My affair ended when I stared into my kids eyes and realized that if I didn’t readjust my values, I would be jeopardizing more than my marriage. Getting over an affair isn’t easy and it takes time.
He has to stop all communication and focus on creating new memories with you. My wife and I blog about our journey and while the blog is oriented toward men, women read it to. You can even read about “How I left my Girlfriend for my Smokin Hot Wife” at my blog. http://tinyurl.com/lvxoyc
Yes… Affairs are tough to stop. I had a friend once from New York, NY who had several affairs at once going on and he badly wanted to stop because he felt “horrible” but he just couldn’t for some reason. I totally agree with what you said about it taking time. Sometimes it’s just too easy and the consequences aren’t as immediately punishing.
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