can a marriage like this be brought back from the dead? my wife complains that i dont help out enough with the
kids. she had also complained that i took my mothers side on something instead of hers. every couple months we get in such large fights over something i didnt do right that she gives me her wedding ring back. in my defense, i dont get home from work until 630 at night and do help clean when i get home. she has a short fuse and gets easily aggravated with me. i feel like i am walking on eggshells sometimes. we have 2 young sons that do need me around. we havent had sex in over a year and a half since my youngest son was conceived. i am a generally easy going person, which to some extent, my wife has told me bothers her in that she says i don’t act like a man and take charge often. i do earn a good salary that lets her stay home with the kids. my wife has told me that she does sometimes feel stuck with me during arguments and that she sort of regrets marrying me. i realize this question rambles but i’m explain our marriage in a nutshell. can a marriage in this bad shape be saved?
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Tagged with: act like a man • bad shape • extent • home with the kids • marriage • nutshell • regrets • salary • short fuse • stay home • walking on eggshells • wedding ring • youngest son
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Three things:
1. Spend more time with your boys no matter what.
2. ALWAYS side with your wife in a dispute. Doesn’t matter who right or wrong, side with her.
3. See #2
It sounds pretty bad. I’m not sure what to tell you.
Your wife sounds like alot of fun….ugh!! I feel bad for ya.
No.
Your wife doesn’t sound too happy.
Tell her that you are going to turn the tables for a moment. YOU have the job that lets HER stay home with the kids. YOU after a long day of work, help out the best YOU can. If SHE is so cranky about certain things, then SHE can get off her butt and get the job and YOU can stay home with the kids and SHE can come home after a long days work and help the best SHE can.
you need to get out more as a family. make the effort to go places like camping hiking and just doing things together. there is truth to " the family that plays together, stays together"
as for the Love making part? you should know a good babysitter and take a weekend night out for just the two of you. It takes effort by both of you and you should make her aware of this. Tell her to write down what bothers her about you and you do the same, EXCHANGE notes and work on them…
It could be saved but the differences that you cited are basically traits in both your characters that will be very hard to change to each of your likings. She seems to be trying to manipulate you into doing things her way by emotionally blackmailing you. Take her up on her next outbreak of ‘here’s your wedding ring’ . Tell her your willing to give her the divorce she so desperately wants. See what her reaction is and take it from there. With or without a divorce, you’ll still be there for the kids!
YES. You two married each other for a reason. You have to both try to remember those reasons and make a conscious decision to make your relationship work together, both being willing to sacrifice and to take blame at times even when you may believe inside it’s not your fault. No person is happy 24/7. It is normal to go through difficult times, whether you are single or married. You have to keep realistic expectations in mind and accept that sometimes things are hard but that doesn’t mean they cannot work.
The next time she gives you her wedding ring, take it and don’t give it back. Your wife is verbally abusive. I know you probably don’t think so, but it really is abuse. Telling someone you regret marrying them, giving back a wedding ring, spewing out personal insults like telling you you don’t act like a man or don’t help out enough, holding back sex, and getting easily aggravated are all clear forms of abuse. The question is, how long do you want to put up with this abuse. It is clear from your writing that she doesn’t respect you and is self-centered. Abusive personalities are very difficult to change, even when therapy is involved. My advice to you would be to seriously consider whether or not you could be happy with this type of abuser for the rest of your life. You do have a choice and you don’t have to put up with it. Good luck.
If you both want it to. But it will be hard. Life is hard. Try to help her out. Maybe bring a flower home for her sometimes. Call her at lunch or email her a free ecard (MSN has some really sweet ones.) Make a date night and keep it. Try for every week. Don’t talk about the kids when your out if you can both avoid it. Young children at home can make a woman feel very isolated. So many woman work that their are very few people to talk to. Also, even if a woman chose to stay home, it is hard. Dishes, laundry and kids chores are never ending (I have heard them likened to shoveling while it’s still snowing). Sometimes it seems like no one notices or cares. When my kids were young I would actually walk them to our mail offfice just to see adults to talk to. If your wife worked before the kids she might also miss her job and her friends. There is something really great about doing a job at work and being counted on and respected. Your wife might just be unhappy. Talk to her (after you’ve made an extra effort to show your love). Maybe she could work or volunteer somewhere a little. A babysitter or family for a few afternoons a week would still let her "stay at home" but also let her get out a bit. But you have to find some way to talk to her even if it means counseling. A year and a half…. Perhaps your wife is afraid to get pregnant again. Or maybe she just feels unattractive. Be kind and gentle. Find a way to reconnect. Good luck and God Bless you both.
The first thing I suggest is you and your wife go out without your sons. You need a chance to talk to eachother. It’s a lot easier said than done, but if you want to save your marriage, this is the first step. If you go to a semi-public place such as a park or the mall, then you will have the privacy to have a conversation but you will be forced to choose your words and how you say them so as not to "cause a scene". This will make you stop to think about what you’re saying and how to say it so you don’t say something rash. At least this worked for my husband and myself. Her frustrations may be coming from the stress of being a stay at home mom. Although being a mother is the most rewarding job in the world, it is often the most stressful and definitely the least thankful. She may be feeling as if she doesn’t have her own life anymore. I don’t know how she’s feeling, but I do know that after having 3 kids, I felt like the least attractive person in the world. I didn’t recognize my body anymore. It’s amazing how low self-esteem will lower your sex drive. You need to reassure her that she is free to say anything during this conversation (and I mean ANYTHING) that she is feeling without fear of you storming off. Again, easier said than done. But, once I knew that I could share ALL of my thoughts and feelings with my husband (and some were very unkind feelings towards him) we were able to lay everything out on the table and work through it. It won’t happen overnight. We’ve been working at this for almost 2 years now. (We were so close to divorce that I had actually consulted an attorney) Call in a professional if you don’t feel that you’re accomplishing anything on your own. A little side note: surprise her with flowers one night when you come home. Put on some music and dance with her in the living room. Have your boys join in. She may just need to know that you’re still in love with her. Good luck. I’ll be praying for you.
Haven’t you asked this question before?
LOL i like Gary’s answer. But yes it can probably be saved IF you both want to …. get to a counselor…have alone time, without the kids…. anything for the two of you alone….
Good Luck
As a stay at home mom with 3 boys and a hubby that works long hours, I feel your pain.
Your wife sounds frustrated and overwhelmed. That does not mean that your marriage is doomed, however!
Being a SAHM is not easy, there is an endless amount of laundry to do, house to keep clean, kids to entertain, meals to prepare and somewhere in all of that you have to find time to get ‘me’ stuff dome (shower, make-up, clothes). So don’t think that she is flying off the handle for nothing.
Maybe you should sit down with her (not during or just after an argument) and ask her what she needs from you. Then come up with a system for house chores. Just because she’s home with the kids, doesn’t mean that it all falls on her. Chores should be divided among everyone. Pick a couple of nights a week where either you come home early enough to cook dinner or make it a pizza night. The kids will love the treat and it will take the dinner burden off of your wife.
The situation can improve and you owe it to your kids and health of your family to do all you can to fix it, good luck!
Yes it can be saved. You need to talk, to communicate! MY husband and I are having some problems as well so who am I to talk right? But I am somewhat the same way, I used to throw the same fits and give the ring back too! I actually found out I had high blood pressure….when I got that under control things got progressivly better…maybe she has the same? Have you ever talked to her and not told her how you feel…better yet ask her what would make her happy? What she would like to see out of you that you aren’t already doing? Spawn from that…but this does not work if you are already in an argument…it needs to be on a calm day. Once she tells you how she feels you need to tell her that as a man you have sexual needs that must be met. That you understand taking care of kids is hard work…but just becasue you are not there all day long doen’t mean that you are out having fun…you are working as well. Let her know that you would e happy to try and come to a happy medium…from there it’s up to both of you to come to some sort of agreement.