Can a marriage recover intimately and emotionally after an affair?Several months ago I discovered that my?
husband had been having an affair with a woman that he met online. He had an intimate relationship with her and fell in love with her. To make a long story short, we decided to save our marriage but obviously it hasn’t been easy. Our communication with eachother is still very weak and intimately it just doesn’t feel right. After the affair, I tried very hard to liven things up between us but no matter what I did, he just wasn’t into it and sometimes wasn’t even interested in being intimate with me. When I finally approached him about it, he told me that he felt pressured and that he felt it should be something that happens naturally not something that should be forced upon into doing. I decided to back off, it’s been several months and nothing has happened between us. I feel depressed bc it seems he doesn’t want me at all anymore. I feel very undesirable as a woman! What bothers me is that with her he was very much alive and open sexually as a man but with me, he’s dead! Please help!
After the affair, I did recommend counseling for us but he didn’t want to do it. When I asked him why he had the affair, he told me that something inside of him had died and that he got curious as to what was out there but that he never stopped loving me. In the end, I gave him a choice. He chose me and told me that he loved me more than he loved her. He’s been spending more time with us (me and 11 month baby) and tells me that he loves me a lot but I’m not feeling it! We find ourselves together with nothing to say sometimes and as I mentioned previously, he doesn’t seem interested in being intimate with me anymore. I keep comparing how he was with her to how he is with me and it makes me feel awful inside. He felt liberated and carefree with her emotionally and physically. How can I compete with that! I don’t know what he’s going through because he won’t talk to me about it. I feel so alone and so hopeless as to what to do! It just seems like emotionally the affair has destroyed us!
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Tagged with: counseling • eachother • having an affair • intimate relationship • love • marriage
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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Well first off here are a couple questions that you need to ask yourself about you him and the relationship.
Do you forgive him?
Did it hurt you?
Has it made you feel less of a person?
Why are you continuing the marriage?
Are you willing to try counseling?
To tell you the truth all that you have said sounds like you are currently in an unhealthy relationship. I understand that you want to try and savethe marriage but the true question is why did he falter in the first place and if you guys have been trying(though it seems the trying only goes one way) and has not worked out why try and push it. Why not try counseling, and if that does not woek maybe it would just be best to move on and find your self someone that loves you for you and accepts you and will cherish you? Someone that will not make you feel undesirable or deppressed?
You have an awful lot to get through to make your marriage work. I would advise counseling since doing this alone will be almost impossible.
I went through the same thing and although we both tried, I just couldn’t get over the fact that he cheated on me. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
If you have not already look into couples counseling and it sounds like be may need some individual counseling too. Marriages can survive affairs but it is very hard, it sounds like you want to forgive and move on. That’s great but it sounds like he has maybe not forgiven himself and his guilt is eating him up and this can cause problems with intimacy. It also sounds like he may have some self esteem issues, many men cheat initially to make themselves feel better about who they are. Try and be patient if you can, get some counseling and good luck!
Yes a marriage can recover intimately and emotionally after an affair….But BOTH of you have to want it and work on repairing the damage to your marriage….the writing is on the wall dear….your husband isn’t wanting to put your marriage back together…..Why would you even want to try and salvage your marriage if your husband doesn’t want to be a team player?
Sweetie, what does your gut tell you? Trust your gut on this one. If your really wanting to make it work, try couples counseling. But from the sounds of it, it seems like he’s still in a relationship with this other person. It also sounds like he’s moved on but can’t be responsible enough (or man enough) to be honest with you. Or himself!!
well you said your self that he had fallen in love the other woman
he may not be in love with you. look at this way if he has not come around on his own then maybe he can’t get over the other woman and you need to let him go for you and for him to be happy again
Are you sure that this affair is over? It doesn’t sound like it at all. Then don’t quote me because I could be wrong about that. He could just be feeling guilty about what he’s done, and he can’t perform with you as of yet. Or maybe he’s depressed over losing this lover, and it’s taking him time to come to terms with it being over. I would suggest some marriage counseling to see where Mr. Man’s head is. Does he want to reconcile or is he trying to tell you something?
I think you are putting all the work in and getting nothing back even though he did the wrong doing. Get yourself dolled up and go out with your mates. Show your not bothered. It must be really hard but do you really want to spend the rest of your days trying to sort his mess out. He obviously isn’t trying to sort it out with you which tells me he is not bothered and will do it again he is just feeling sorry for him self because he got caught out. Stuff him you deserve better get out there and get it.
Good Luck x
Honestly, it doesn’t seem as though he is interested in saving your marriage.
Usually affairs make the person involved in them invigorated and alive. The sneaking and the romance is exciting.
Coming home to the woman that he was cheating on is dull and boring. I’m not saying this to be hurtful, I’ve been on both sides of the cheating situation.
You may need to resign yourself to the fact that he is mentally out of there.
I totally understand where you are coming from, but to answer your question it depends on the two people that are in the relationship. If both persons are really wanting to make things work. Yes!!!! it can work out. You cant do it by yourself. Your husband is the one that had the affair and he is the one that should be putting in the extra work to make things work out, not you. I am not saying that you shouldnt be trying either but you seem to be doing it all by yourself. What you should be asking him if he is sure that he wants to be with you, because you are feeling as if things havent gotten any better between the two of you. You are still very much hurting and a question that you should ask yourself is if it is fair to you to have to wait for your husband to get over feelings that he should have never had for another woman in the first place. It is definitely not your place to do it alone. I dont know you, but you deserve better than the treatment that he is given you. Maybe you should start thinking about yourself now. I had to do it and I feel so much better about myself. I have more self respect now. Maybe its time to cut your losses. Good Luck!!!
its very painful if you know that your husband having an affair to other woman,yes marriage still can recover intimately and emotionally if both parties is agree.you and your husband need to help each other to forget this unhappy things in your life..
if he still continue for what he is now,its better seek a best couple councellor to save your marriage..good luck..
It is admirable for you two to try to work things out. I am glad to hear that.
Two problems surfaced when reading your question.
1. After a situation like this the things that were already tough in a relationship become even harder to deal with.
2. The very first step is communication, no matter how much it hurts or is embarrassing.
You both have to get the cards on the table. You need to know how your husband is ticking and he needs to know how you feel too. You must get to the point were every detail is exchanged so that you both know how to proceed. Without a strong line of communication your chances for success are not too good.
I suggest you both focus on your love for one another. If you two can relay your love back and forth (I mean without sex being involved) then the natural next step will be enhanced communication.
I think a marriage can recover but it will be alot of work. The trust is really hurt. If both of you arent willing to work really hard it’d doomed. And if he treats you like that maybe you should move on anyways.
I can see why you are sadgirl. Maybe some counselling will help? You may be surprised at how good they are at getting your husband to open up and say how he feels – then at least you’ll know what’s on his mind about this.
I know you mentioned that you and he decided to reconcile and get the marriage back on track, but I see little sincerity or remorse on his part. This man “did the deed” with another woman and it is HE who should genuinely penitent for his adulterous behavior.
You asked a question whether a marriage can survive an affair and the answer is yes, but only of there is genuine sincerity and caring on both parts as well as some real WORK on the trespassers part to mend the lost trust and hopefully restore the love.
I also feel that the amount of time which has passed and his negative attitude is showing he just does not give a damn. I would tell him that you and he need to get into some marriage counseling and get this problem worked out once and for all. If he does not step up to this demand, let him know that your next stop will be a lawyer to bring this relationship to a closure. He has to know you are serious and you are only wanting this relationship to either get well or die.
Take care
Speaking as a couples/marriage therapist, don’t blame yourself because affairs are predominantly about the cheating partner, not the betrayed.
This might give you some perspective:
Adultery and Infidelity: Why People Cheat
http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com/relationshipadvice-why-people-cheat.html