My soon to be ex-wife cheated on me but I still love her should I try to reconcile?
My wife and I are currently going through a divorce. Our marriage was fraught with difficulty both financially and sexually. I was going through a very difficult time working numerous and long hours, trying to pay the mortgage, I was going through hormone treatments for an illness as well. My wife was working part time and was not making enough to really help cover all the bills and this was during the mortgage crisis when the house payments practically doubled and we had a small baby as well. Any way it was during this time that my wife, who had an online dating profile on the interner before we knew each other, began cruising the singles sites, doing online compatibility checks between her and her former husband and boyfriends. I caught her once she said she wouldn’t do it anymore but I caught her again several months later checking out profiles and lewd pictures of other men on craigslist.
She did not write or contact any of the men but I still think this is cheating. When I confronted her about it she apologized but then also said she wanted a divorce. When I asked her why she said it was because I bullied her, mistreated her, verbally abused her, swore at her, called her names and that I did all of this in private and even out in public. She said she used to love me but soon became afraid of me and even terrified of me and no longer even wanted to sleep with me. (This is true, at one point she started sleeping on the couch giving some inane excuse) She said that she was afraid of my anger and that she always feared my outbursts.
While this is true that I did not treat very well I was going through so much emotionally, financially and my physical illness as well. I do indeed have a temper but this still does not give her the right to cheat on me and I DO believe that looking at singles’ profiles and pictures of other men IS Cheating.
Anyway, she has apologized profusely about what she did but does not want to be married to and is going forward with the divorce.
I still miss but I just know what to do, I have a hard time trusting her again..
Please share your opinions.
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Tagged with: anger • boyfriends • checks • compatibility • couch • craigslist • divorce • excuse • hormone treatments • interner • lewd pictures • marriage • mortgage • part time • physical illness • profiles • sleep • small baby • temper • very difficult time
Filed under: How To Get Her Back
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1. looking at pictures is not the same as cheating on you
2. she apologized profusely but you still hold it against her
3. she is afraid of your outbursts
4. even when she apologizes you donot forgive
5. why would she want to stay married? no matter what she does she will always be guilty in your eyes
fool me once shame on you
fool me twice shame on me
Edwina has it right.
NO…There is no need for a long winded answer for this one.
Why don’t you guys try counseling
You can try to reconcile with her but this seems like a hopeless cause. It feels like she might not want to reconcile with you because of the way you treated her and you will always have trust issues with her so I say give it up and start over. Take some time to learn about yourself first (maybe take care of your medical issues and that temper problem) and then carry on with a new relationship. That’s what I did. It was hard but I’m glad I chose the path I did.
i hope u dont have kids with this woman. that would mean you’re stuck with her.
if i were you, id run. not walk.
you can still love her, but it doesnt mean you have to stay married to a cheating person like her. what if she gives you a disease?
most, not all people who date online love to recycle what they have.
No, she has made up her mind and wants out of the marriage and away from you. Although the two of you got into debt, she could not stay away from the baby as long as you could so she could not be expected to have more than a part time job.
Instead of trying to sell and get a new house, you chose to stay and work. Your illness may not have been avoided, but your temper and her loneliness is what clenched it for her and now she wants out of the marriage.
Let her go. If she sees that you have changed she may want to be friends. But it will take a long time.
Let her go. Here’s why: "I bullied her, mistreated her, verbally abused her, swore at her, called her names and that I did all of this in private and even out in public. She said she used to love me but soon became afraid of me and even terrified of me and no longer even wanted to sleep with me."
Oh for the love of Christ move on you both aren’t compatible
Looking and chatting is a different story looking in my opimiom is not cheating but chatting is. The decision to end a marriage does not come that easily or that fast. In deciding whether to dissolve your marriage or stay with a cheating wife and give him a second chance, many factors must be taken into consideration. I do believe that there is more then you know and even if she did not cheat she does not want to stay with you. Try family counseling.
Yes it is cheating and yes you did abuse her with your temper, the only way you two can both fix this is to forget the past and start all over again. Its worth a shot for the baby, this time try harder, both of you. Don’t hold the past against her and don’t bully her. Tell her to start over and fall in love again. Good luck, you two together can make this this happen if you want.
its time for you to move on and start a new life…
you two are not really made for each other… you don’t deserve her,,, she don’t deserve you,,, and most women (I know) on dating social networks have multiple affairs so the issue of cheating is inevitable …
She was wrong but so the hell were you.
The woman has moved on from the abuse and you need to as well. She has had it from what I can tell and you will have to accept it.
hmmm wow,to tell you the truth i had that same problem with my husband i was always on those websites we got separated what you guys need is time apart to figure out what you really what, me and my husband were separated almost six months before i opened my eyes and realized everything we build together and what am saying is that jus give yourself time apart she will realize what she is about to lose or already lost……
Heck No, You can do so much better than her, respect yourself, she did not. Time will heal your wounds and hopefully you will finish anger management, once you lose trust, you can’t get it back.
She sounds like a filthy rotten cheating whore to me! Dump her ass and cut your losses.
Its very difficult to determine when someone is cheating. I mean did she do this when you’re still married to her? or before married to her? or after you and her went separate ways. As long as she did not sleep with any other men and did not meet any of those men when she was with you, it is a different story. But if she went dating with other men because you and her separated, its a different story, and if she is just going out with other men and not sleeping with them. It all depends how you look at it. I have had a very bad experienced with my ex husband to be. I still love him very much and he filed for divorce when my baby and I went for holiday. I never wanted the divorce and i don’t believe in that, but I guess it could be different culture as I am asian and he is pure american. I mean we have a small baby too, but he didn’t care at all, it was a heart breaking for me. But I tried to forget him as he asked his friend to sent me an email over email again to tell me that he never loved me and never had any intention to marry me from beginning of our relationship. He even denied that our son is his. It is so sad and so hurtful for me. Eventhough i am trying to move on, but it has been over 9 months that my heart is breaking and with my sickness and depressions and admitted to hospital 2 months it doesn’t help me to be stronger, to me it was humiliation when someone marry you, then after that tell his friend to tell you that he never cared and never loved you. Sometimes in Marriage all of us only think about ourself, but for the percentage married couple that even thought about who we are hurting most? Our children. I believe Marriage is for life. Eventhough I do go on site singles to see on other guys, but you know what, I found out that my ex husband to be was also doing the same thing. So my advice is, as long as you can , please save your marriage, please don’t be like my situation. If you love your wife still, and talk it over, as you both have a small child. The child need both parents, and please avoid divorce. Again, don’t be like my situation. As hard as it is, until now, i am still suffering and I know that my ex husband to be had cheated on me and over and over again.
May god be with you.
She is lying.
A woman who is going on craigslist is definitely cheating physically. Look at the ration of M4W to W4M. It’s huge. No way was she just "looking at profiles". This is a very common "excuse" – and it’s a technique called "gaslighting" – where the cheater tries to convince their spouse that they’re the one that’s crazy, and jealous, and paranoid, and that "it’s not what you think". (but sadly, it is).
And then when she dumped all that abuse onto you, telling you how horrible you were, I’m sure much of that was not true. She was unable to deal with the difficult times, and instead of turning to you, she turned to other men for comfort, because she was too much of a coward to face her own failures and shortcomings.
To avoid the guilt over what she did, she made up this "image" of you in her mind, as a terrible person, a horrible monster, so bad that she had no choice but to cheat? See? She’s dodging responsibility for her behavior, like a child. Not like an adult.
You then buy-into her abuse and accusations, and now you feel so badly about yourself, the only way you think you can feel better is if you "win" her back. But what you will get back, is a lying, manipulative, cheating coward.
You should seek counseling, individual therapy, for yourself, to deal with this severe emotional abuse you have been subjected to, during a time in your life when you were relying on your partner to support you, and stand by you, she stabbed you in the back. You need time to grieve this loss. No matter what happens with the marriage, you will need at least 2-5 years to get through the emotional trauma. Unfortunately, you will probably never be the same after what she has done to you. Don’t ever feel guilty for not trusting her, and don’t feel as if you have to "get over" it right away (and I guarantee, she will tell you you must!) – what you are going through is normal.
The good news, is that you can learn coping skills that will help you to avoid picking abusive partners in the future. Once you’ve been abused like this, people tend to fall into patterns, depression, feelings of worthlessness. But you will get through this.
You are a good man, and you did nothing to deserve this. You didn’t force her to make the choice to cheat. You were in the same bad marriage, and you didn’t cheat.
Listen to your wife’s apology. Try to think how she may feel. WIth flowers, dinner, chocolates, apologize to her. Don’t loose the love of your life, you may never find another. If you haven’t prayed lately, do so. Prayer can calm the storm and give you peace not matter what ends up happening. Couples who pray together only have a divorce rate of 1 in a thousand.
well she cheated so let her be your ex wife!!!!
Well, it seems that whatever is in your wife must come out. She is surfing the internet because she is seeking someone to meet her emotional needs. Yes, your anger has driven a wedge between the two of you. LOVE is not fear and when a woman is fearful it is hard to be Intimate. Just because you are facing life’s challenges does not give you the right to abuse her verbally. Sometimes we can do things that we cannot apologize our way out of. The best thing to do is let her go and wish her well. Focus on yourself and seek out help for your anger issues. Join a relationship class and learn how to treat a woman and how to effectively meet her needs. You both have trust issues, her cheating and your anger. Trust is the first thing to leave and the last thing to come back.
maybe I didn’t read it right but no, online flirting is not "cheating" and you can kill a relationship with mistrust, bullying, constant questions and confrontation.. you have to have trust.. and if you have killed that you may have killed her feelings as well, if she is at all willing, I would suggest a good counselor.. good luck.
well that is cheating and now days it’s so wronge because people needs to be thinking about the other person safey and feeling.chating online is also very dangerous.me and my husband is having financially that’s because he spends it on other women’s.since she has apologized then okay.you apologized too and give her the divorce.it will be hard to trust again.sometimes a fresh start sometimes breaks the circle.so do think i needs to leave.