Me… this is a tough one to write because of two conflicting parts of me. I am over critical of myself, and I am also to prideful to admit when something really is wrong and I need help dealing with something. Two completely different mindsets colliding inside of my head, making things so hard to comprehend and explain to myself. I am a very compassionate person. I love to let someone I care about know exactly how much I love them numerous times per day. I am a person who needs to be told that they are cared about. I need that affirmation of love in my life in return from those that I love. I thrive on recognition… letting me know that I am appreciated in the things I do and the sacrifices I make on a daily basis. I am a romantic… I like the sweet nothings that can be given throughout the day… little notes in my work bag saying I love you, terms of endearment that are said any random time, in any random place. Quality time spent alone just talking about nothing, or holding one another under a blanket watching TV or a movie. That is who I am. That is who I have always been. I am by no means perfect. I have my share of faults as well. I get jealous very easily. I always assume the worst possible scenario with a situation. I over react to what should be a dead issue. I am too persistent in getting answers. I thought my wife was cheating on me because she was spending more time with another man at his house than she was with me, when all she was doing was playing video games and laundry. All that arises because she is so emotionally separated from me. All my jealousy and accusations come from that one thing that I hate about her. I want to have a wife to talk to. I want to have a wife that will talk to me about problems. Someone who feels so emotionally attached to me that she is comfortable talking to me about everything, whether she is in the mood or not. I do not believe that there is a proper mood for talking about a marriage. I am overprotective. I have found something that I hold more dear to me than life itself, and I do not want to lose it to anything or anyone. When she goes out to this guys house to spend time with him and hang out, and I am neither invited or thought of, I begin to do anything I can to protect what I have fought so hard for so long to retain… a relationship with the one person I love. My first step seems to always be the wrong one. I accuse her of fucking around on me with him. This obviously pisses her off and drives her further away from me emotionally. That is just the first thing that I think of. I just do not understand why I could not even ever be invited over with her to his house. See… here I go again and I am just typing things out here. I have asked her directly, and I pray that she was truthful, because I gave her my trust and believed her when she told me that she has never done anything with this man. I just have to figure out how to get the remaining thought out of my head forever so I do not accuse her again. I remember all too well the pain I felt when I was cheated on one time before. The pain was unbearable, and I contemplated many things that I am glad I never acted upon back then. I was naïve and stupid back then. I could not bear the pain to find out that Trina has cheated on me. I know also that I can not accuse her again, because if I keep thinking that she is doing something, then why not go ahead and do what I am accusing her of. I am creating my own demise here. I am digging my own grave… I have to figure out how to put the dirt back into that hole and seal it off for good. I need her assistance in doing this though. I need that reassurance from her that she truly feels that I am the one man for her, and that she would never do that to me. I need that affirmation and those terms of endearment to help me get over my childish behavior. Problem is that if I ask for it, she will assume that I am again accusing her, when I am not. I have to figure out the exact and perfect way to talk to her. When I have tried to just come straight out and talk, she gets very defensive and begins to assume that I am accusing her again, when I truly am not. I don’t know what to say, or how to say it. I don’t know what to do to try to get her to fall back in love with me. I am willing to do anything at this point. If she asked me to take my own life for her, I would gladly do it… I am just so lost and confused right now without her with me anymore.
