Constructive Criticism/Review. Would you continue reading?

Hey

I’ve already wrote a novel based on the idea of someone finding a diary, and I wanted to write another. With the same idea, but a different diary. What do you think of it so far?
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January 1st 2007

I don’t celebrate the day as a new year. This is not a day to embrace, but to be feared of. It is the anniversary of an…unfortunate event.

A pool of pure red blood. A cry of piercing pain. Wide grey eyes howling for help. But all I could do was look.

It’s not a memory I can get used to nor avoid.

From then onwards it has been my job, and my fate to sinfully murder. The guiltiness cannot be numbed, but I have no other option. I have a debt to pay, an unlimited debt, I am in this forever.

I met Marcy yesterday, at the close of night. We met in the crowded park, it was hard to spot him, but when I did he seemed dressed for the New Year’s Party; his black hair was smartly slicked back, he wore a grey suit and tie, his aftershave was expensive and strong and his face was shaved smooth. We acknowledged each other with a nod, and got on with the job. He handed me two pictures of men, looking at the first I guessed that he was around forty but I spared the details, I’d have hours to inspect him later. I flipped it over, looking for the information, it said:

Impure to the eyes of the Leader and Followers

ID: #004203873
Name: Alan Dunmore
D.O.B. 05/08/1976
Crime: Homosexuality

The Brotherhood of the Humanitarians

I looked at the second. He was of similar age to the first, and I didn’t have to guess his ‘crime’.

Impure to the eyes of the Leader and Followers

ID: #005892216
Name: Jacob Kensington
D.O.B. 17/08/1974
Crime: Homosexuality

The Brotherhood of the Humanitarians

Underneath each picture was a home address and a contact number.
"The job should be done by the fifth," Marcy said, his voice naturally hoarse. Without a chance to respond he walked away as the fireworks sprang into the sky and coloured the black night.

I read the card again, shaking my head. That’s what it’s called. A Brotherhood. The Brotherhood of the Humanitarians – where the leader and followers are seen as pure. Though to me, I am a part of an organisation where mercy is a myth, where happiness is gained by physically eliminating those who cause disruption and where those who are involved are damned to hell.
————–

Constructive criticism (or praise!) or advice please.

What do you think of the story so far (romance will be added to late plot), the name of the Brotherhood, and any ideas for the title?

Thank You
xx


Related Information:

Was my dad the victim of black magic?

I will try to make this story as short and as detailed as possible.

My mom, grandmother, and dad’s siblings told me about a terrible thing that happened to them (my mother and father) when they were dating back in the 90′s. According to old family friends and family members my dad was a very hip, attractive, and popular young man during his teen years. So my dad was like a "player" with many girlfriends until he settled with my mother. Before settling with my mother, my dad had a girlfriend named Eva. She was an attractive young girl. Before long into their relationship, Eva began to cheat and was becoming to controlling. She was also associated with a witch that practiced black magic. My dad broke up with Eva. A few weeks later, my mother and father initiated a relationship. This is when things began to get astonishingly sinister. They were off in search of a place to live, a temporary place. They went looking at a small, worn apartment complex. Along the way, my mother found a small plastic bag containing a picture of my dad. On the back of the picture it read "Charly, return to me" -Eva. The picture had two needles piercing right through my dad’s head, in a wide X shape. It also had red blood-like ink around his mouth and on his shirt. There was also salt inside the bag. My mother showed it to my dad, and said it was nonsense that things like that were not real. Well shortly after their encounter with this plastic bag, my dad began to have very strange behavior during the night. He would vomit blood. He went to go see a doctor who found nothing wrong with him. My mother was terrified and watched over him at night. She would also see bite marks appearing on his arms. Like actually watching them form on his skin. Multiple bite marks. He would suddenly rise from bed in his under wear and claim that a lady with black hair was waiting for him somewhere. After that he began to talk in his sleep, saying things like "let me be" "leave me alone! I do not want to be with you". My mother and grandmother prayed for him and would rub holy water on him to drive the negativity away. He always said that the Holy water burned his skin, a sensation he often felt during these situations. After moving, my dad felt better and improved! Was this the work of Eva and her witch friend? Please help!


Related Information:

Which comedian told this joke? "…trade car information, but it won't bring your wife back?"?

He was a white guy, black hair. He has a comedy special on Comedy Central. He is a very dark comedian, material wise. This is the background of the joke:

He got in a car accident with with a pair of newlyweds. And afterward, he told the guy "We could trade insurance information, but that won’t bring your wife back."

That isn’t an exact quote. Please help, it’s killing me. He also said something along the lines of "then you REALLY dont know how to wash a baby," later on in the stand up. He was also very deadpan. Good luck finding it!


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i am very sad and i want to know how to get my ex girlfriend of 6 months back?

well i ad gotten back from staying 2 days at a lake and when i checked my email my ex said im sorry i have to break up with you and my heart dropped putting me into instant deppresion and i have many questions in one i thought id never ask anyone but i need her to love me again and is it weird that one look into anyones eyes and i can tell what they are feeling i want to see her eyes then i will know what she is feeling im emo goth whatever else along those lines you want to say so is she i love her very much its been about a week and ive hardley eaten anything i dont talk realy to anyone im in deep deprression ive written her 4 page poems this is one there is no word for the feelings i have for you i understand why you hurt me i know you had to for if you didnt the pain would be so great that you should fall so to the horrible of fate i know i realy love you i understand you do to i am so shaken i dont know what to do it affects the way i eat it affects the way i sleep everytime i think of it it surely makes me weep i have to drag my soul to just get up and move everytime i look at your picture it makes me want to die im sorry i screwed it up im sorry i hurt you so i know you still love me so that is why i want to go i want to die the most painful of death and i still remember the velvet taste of your breath it is not fun it is not cool to sit and weep and remember the time i had with you i love what life brings i hate what life takes i know for i am the most deadliest of fates i brought you to much love i brought you to much joy for after all i am not god i am just a gothic boy you are my love for it is true all i want to do is spend my life with you for that is not the case i wish i could just taste you love for it is the most agile of frangrances i love your dark black hair i hate you bring me despair i know it is the thing to do i know it is right i know it inside me and so i will fight the demon of death the leader of the cruel the killer of all people and the leader of the ghouls i shall run i shall hide to kill the deadly tide of love from love comes hate from hate comes envy from envy comes death from death comes life life is not fun without the one i know its true i need to be with you i know i am not right i know i am so wrong i know you are so right it hurts me to know that i will always need to fight if i want it bad enough i guess god thinks i dont ive dreamt about and omen that surely says i wont being your freind is not enough i know i need your love it kills me to know i guess i shall never know what would have been if both us were normal would we act like lovers or would we act formal now i guess is not the time i waste my time trying at somthing that you wont ever let be i am so sorry it slowly killing me to let you know what i have felt to let you know i know i have delt with all of this with you i am so hurt and tired i dont know what ill do btw i wrote this and im sorry i have dont anything to you i know you had to do it i am so hurt i know it is right i know i feel like dirt i need to be with you and i know i cant i want to kill myself for that i will not i know if i want it enough god will grant it if i get on my knees and beg will help it and she wont come back and she says i didnt do anything but wont tell me why i love her very much and i need to have her again ive done about everything i can do to get her to come back and it doesnt work
and i need to have her back i love her way to much


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