C’est La Vie!

Dear Reader(s),
I have dreamed this magical story filled with powerful magic, romance, comedy & an unsure girl who becomes the greatest hero of all times! So. . . I must also warn you that this story is also filled with dark magic and a dreadful and cursing prophecy. And yes I really did dream this dream; I was so crazy about when I was having this fantasy told to me through my dreams! Now the most important thing I must tell you . . . you must think that dreams are nothing but escapes from the horrible world, right? Wrong. Dreams are not only goals to achieve but also to referrer back to the past. Now I leave you in this state to chose to read this or not (but if not you’re missing a heck of a story!)C’est La vie!
Sincerely,
Diane Alatorre

Our story starts in an apartment house of 3 living people. . .

“Mom . . . can I go running? Please,” Dianne said. ”No,” she said. “Why not! Come on! Please,” Dianne yelled! “Fine. Go, but be home by 6!” she said, as Dianne ran out of the house.

Now, you must know that Dianne is a track runner and she needs to practice. And the person she is talking to is her mom!

All seemed all good until Dianne came to a forest . . .

“Ummm. . . I want to go exploring, running is boring when you’ve been there all ready,” Dianne thought! “What’s this,” she thought? “There’s a main trail back to the house but . . . now that wouldn’t be fun,” she thought!

Thus, Dianne took the other forest trail, but the main one would have took her back home and all well. But she chooses the trail that had a map of the trail and when the red chalk fades away . . . well we don’t know!

As Dianne is running, someone is watching her run so fast that this watcher is bewildered! “This is so cool! All the trees look like they are so old,” she said! Soon Dianne hears some cracking by some trees, she runs faster, and then an old, brown-looking tree root is moving towards her, but she doesn’t notice it and soon enough she fell down and she yells!”Ooph!” “Oh my god! I can’t get this thing off me,” Dianne yelled! The root is crunching her ankle and Dianne looks up and sees a black carriage coming towards her and behind it a pack of bears! By now the creature (or as Dianne says it a “thingy”) is coming out of the carriage and is now by her, holding a black needle! The next thing she sees is a boy jump out on between her and the black creature (and if you must know Dianne thinks he is hot)! And behind him is also a pack of wolves! The wolves decoy the creature and the bears. “Are you okay? When I release you, you must not stop and run towards where you came from. And don’t come back! Ever,” he said! “What,” Dianne said puzzled?? “#$@%&*%$#,” he said! And then there was a white shining light from his hand that somehow let the root to break away from Dianne’s ankle! Stupid Dianne shoots out not even thinking where she is going and she runs the opposite way!! And not once she looked back! (At least she did something right!)And she left the hot guy, the wolves, the bears and the creature. (She was happy to leave the bears and the creature, but not the guy and the wolves! Sad Dianne!) All she did was find a corner covered by tree branches and she put her knees up to her chin and waited there until she fell asleep.

Okay I’m thinking” why would she run the other way!?” well out of confusing she ran because who wouldn’t run when a shadow “thingy” comes towards you and the “hot” guy says weird words! Gosh give her a break!

“Hey! Wake up! Why did you run the other way, dumb-butt?” the guy said, after he found her due to a long search for her! He shooked her. Dianne woke up. “What,” Dianne said?? All of a sudden a rush of questions filled her and soon she was bursting them out of her mouth like a shot gun. “Who’s that creature? What’s the black needle? Why is he a shadow instead of human? What are the words you said that made that white puffy light?? And who are you,” Dianne yelled!? There was an awkward silence until the guy said,” You know too much.” “Wha. . .,” Dianne said but she didn’t finish her statement due to him piercing her neck and falling unconscious. Dianne fell in to the guys arms.” Someone emerged from the hidden bushes. Why did you do that Prince Damien,” his advisor said? “Because Tor if you must know I don’t want another innocent person getting hurt by something that they didn’t even do,” Damien said! “So . . . what are you going to do now,” Tor asked? “I’m going to go deep into the forest and lock her up with my magic forever,” Damien said humorously! “What! No you can’t do that not at this time . . .,” Tor yelled! “Relax. I won’t do that! All I’m going to do is return her to her place and she won’t even remember a thing,” Damien said. “Fine. But I don’t want to catch you wondering around the forest . . . or the human world!”

Yes you are excited and yes he is a Prince (or shall I say Prince Damien!). And Tor is like his special buddy to like help him out on important stuff like . . . now!

And both Dianne and Prince Damien set out for their “small” journey back home to the “human” world. . .

“Soren,” Damien called! An old grey white wolf appeared and bowed. “Yes.” “We must hurry and get to the human world at once and bring 12 of our bravest fellows.” “Yes, Prince.” As Soren came back with 12 other wolves and a knapsack, they were ready to set off. “Good-Bye Prince! Hurry back and be home, our people need you,” Tor yelled! And the Prince merely waved backed and smiled. Once they were deep into the forest Damien spoke his first word since they left. “Soren I must tell you because I hate lying to you and I trust you enough to keep a white lie. We are not going to take this girl home . . . well we are but not the way we planned it,” said Damien. Soren kept quiet. “There are 2 ways to get to the human world, the one we have chose is a shorter version of the one I plan on taking,” Damien explained. “And why are we doing this, taking the longer trail,” Soren asked? “When, I saw this girl enter the forest, man she ran so fast I could hardly keep my eyes on her! Well I dunno, but when I touched her ankle something happened, Soren I saw this light that shined so brightly that it hurt and it was gone. It was similar to our magic, Soren,” Damien said. “That can’t be true. The only person outside our world with the same power as us is . . . ,” Soren said bewildered. “Yes. Our princess and the prophecy have finally come. I think,” Damien said. “And if she is I want to earn her trust and if she isn’t we shall still take the trail and erase her memories at the end. Simple as that,” said Damien. “Okay, Prince but I must warn you; you are endangering us and the girl.” ”Don’t worry, we have our finest warriors with us after all and our power,” Damien said proudly! “Yes, Prince.” And they rode down until sunset where they started to look for a place to rest for the night. “Prince huff, huff I found a huff perfect place to huff to rest,” said one of the wolves. “Lead us towards it,” Damien said. And they followed the wolf to an area with thick trees surrounding a circle of flat ground. Once they got there every one of the 12 wolves was busy preparing the area. Removing logs, gathering twigs, building a fire, and preparing the food. Damien got off of the horse and left Dianne on and led the horse to a stream near by. “Man I hope this is the girl. My people have suffered through many unforgivable events and still they refuse to leave our kingdom,” Damien said to himself. By the time he and Dianne got back to the area, everything was cleaned and it hardly looks like they were sleeping outside! The fire was a brilliant color of a mixture of reds, yellows, and oranges. The food smelled like they where cooking up a feast! But the only thing Prince Damien wanted to was to wait ‘til he found out if Dianne was the girl. So Prince Damien didn’t eat and he went to sleep with Dianne in his arms.
Dianne woke up to the sun shining in her eyes. She also notices that there are arms across her waist and she panics. “What happened!? How did I get here? And who are these arms around me,” Dianne asks quietly to herself. She slowly turns around to see Damien sleeping like a baby and Dianne turns around and looks around. She saw the same old wolf she did last time. . .” What time is it,” Dianne yells, but a silent yell! Dianne managed to get 3 large logs and puts them in Prince Damien arms and crawls until she sees the wolves surrounding the only way out of here! All 12 wolves are in a little circle all together and Dianne is tip toeing out of there with every little space where a tail or a head isn’t in the way, and she toke her last step then finally she gets to the other side! ”Yes!” Dianne yells a little too loudly! Oops! And Dianne giggles and runs into a slow jog away from Damien and the wolves (again)! Dianne soon finds out that she doesn’t know the heck where she is going! “How do I get out of this place? Somebody help me,” yelled Dianne!! And an unexpected someone answers! “I will help you little girl,” said someone in the trees. And Dianne is suddenly pushed up against a tree and she sees the creature is holding her against the tree!! She yells,” Help! Aahhhhhh!!” And back at the camp site Damien woke up faster then ever and woke every one up and he ran to Dianne! The shadow is now away from her talking but she is still trapped by a branch that he somehow put around her! “He keeps on blabbing on and on about this prophecy and I really don’t care! How did I get involved in this?” “How’s it like that you die at once when I put this needle into your neck, princess?” He said. He was now up by her shoulders. “What? Princess? I’m no princess!?” Damien saw Dianne in plain view and he was running towards here when he fell down. “Who did that?” “Sir, don’t be alarm. We must wait now,” Soren said. “Wait! Are you kidding me? I have to save her!” Damien gripped! Soren was mad now. “If you really want to know if she is the princess then she will show her powers when she is helpless! You wanted to know and heres your chance. Just wait,” Soren said angrily! And so they moved to a tree to watch Dianne to “show” these powers of hers. “So how’s about it, princess, want to die at the touch of this needle,” he asked again? “What! Nooo,” Dianne yelled! But it was too late he was reaching for her with that needle and well Dianne didn’t know what happened but she said some weird words like Prince Damien said and there was a white light that came out of her hand (just like Damien’s) and the shadow was on its knees! Then the shadow said some weird words too and Dianne went flying and hit the tree with her back and she went unconscious. But before that she remembered that the shadow left and that Damien was there to break her fall to the ground.

And Dianne reveled her true form and releasing her powerful powers and putting herself in Damien’s head that she is the princess they have been looking for has arrived.

When Dianne woke up she thought she would be in Damien’s arms once again but instead she was leaning on a tree and she saw a change of clothes that shined with gold and beads of silver also a arrow pointing to a hot spring and there was a letter from Damien:” Take a bathe, and I brought a pair of clothing for you too and after I’ll be waiting outside. – P.Damien” Dianne had not noticed that were was a tent that was covering the hot spring. “Might as well” Dianne said.” I reek of tree moss and I small like none other!” So Dianne peeked inside and to her eyes this hot spring was so amazing! Steam rose up from the hot water, the water was so clear; you could look at it as a mirror instead of a pool of hot water! While Dianne was in the hot spring, someone came in. It was one of the wolves? “Who’s there?” “Don’t worry it’s only me,” the wolf said. The wolf went over to Dianne and lied next to Dianne (not in the water!) “It got so boring out there; all they ever talk about is who runs the fastest or who catches the most hunt of the day! I’m so sick of it, so I came in here to get away from their “boy” talk. Do you mind?” said the wolf. “Wait . . . you’re a girl?” Dianne asked. “Well, duh. I would kill myself if I was too be compared to those boo-zoos out there,” she said. “Sorry. I almost forgot to tell you my name. I’m Skylaeth.” she said. Then too get away from the boy talk Dianne and Skylaeth talked about girl things. Like hair or fur for Skylaeth, and the life at the palace (Skylaeth again!)”Wow! I haven’t talked like this in such a long time,” Skylaeth said! Then Dianne remembered the note ‘P. Damien’ left for her! “Oh. I have to hurry ‘P.Damien’ said he was waiting for me outside! I probably took so long he went to sleep,” said Dianne in a hurry! Skylaeth watched as she got dressed and fixed her hair faster than any girl (or wolf) in her life! “Who’s P. Damien, Skylaeth?” Dianne asked. Skylaeth looked at her in such a dumb look, Dianne stopped and asked what. “Don’t you mean Prince Damien?” Skylaeth answered. As Dianne was leaving she didn’t here her answer, but once she ran out she bumped into someone or . . . something. Dianne had a flashback of her attack earlier that day and she saw that awful shadow gripping the needle close to her neck and saying,’ How’s about it princess want to die?’ Remembering the shadow that attacked her, she let out a gasp and she let out a little scream when the “thing” grab her wrist and struggled to settle her down. Skylaeth came running and she stopped instantly when she saw who it was. “Sorry, sir.” She said and backed off. Dianne was surprised and she too turned her head and she also saw who it was. The (hot) guy that saved her 2 times! Prince Damien. “Well, you can show such weird entrances huh Dianne?” he said. Dianne was blushing by now. “Sorry. I thought you were that ugly shadow that had me earlier.” Damien surprised said,” Don’t worry you don’t have to worry about him no more.” Dianne didn’t say another word out of embarrassment. She followed him to a small tent and she went inside and saw a table (set for two) with a pot steaming. Dianne forgot that she didn’t eat for 2 days! And once she saw that pot steaming she went crazy! She sat herself and started eating!! Damien startled said, “Ummm . . . you can eat after you answer some questions, okay?” As he took her hands and motioned them away from the bowl of stew. Damien motioned Dianne to the other chair without any food inside the bowl! And he moved the bowl in Dianne’s former chair so that he could sit. Dianne just sat there embarrassed. “As I was saying, you can eat after you answer some questions, okay,” Damien said. “Okay.” Dianne answered. There was a long and heavy silence. “Is he going to ask me questions or not. Because I have a few of my questions too!” Dianne thought to herself. Dianne was the first to speak. “Who are you,” she asked? Damien looked up and said, “I’m Prince Damien.” Dianne’s mouth went open! “A Prince, a prince!! He’s a Prince!” She said in her mind! “Dianne we can’t waste time . . .,” he said. “Wait! How do you know me and I don’t even know you,” she asked, interrupting him. Damien looked at her with a straight face, “You said your name while you were sleeping.” “Oh,” Dianne said embarrassed. Dianne remembered that her family and even friends tell her that she sleep talks. She blushed. “Dianne as I was saying, we can’t waste time we have to learn what makes your power appear.” Damien said. “What. I have no powers.” Dianne said. “Oh yes you do. Do you remember what happened before you went unconscious,” he asked? Dianne sat there and thinked about what happened earlier. “I remember the tree . . . the shadow guy, and then I saw this pretty bright light came from no where.” She answered. “And do you know where the light came from, Dianne,” he asked? “Ummm… from the tree?” Damien chuckled. “No. Dianne the light came from you.” “No. It couldn’t have come from me. I probably farted or something because something made you see things!” Dianne said. Damien was laughing now and he let it out! “Ha, ha, ha, ha! No, Dianne. I’m sure it came from you. Ha-ha!” He laughed! “What! It wasn’t me!” Dianne said! “Okay, Dianne, then I’ll show you,” Damien said as he got up and went over to Dianne and went behind her and reached down to her left hand. “Now think what you where feeling when the shadow came close to you.” “Like emotions?” Dianne asked. “Yes. I need you to feel like that the way you were and just let it out but with your power.” “I don’t know if I can.” She said in despair. “Just try for me.” Damien said. Dianne blushed. “okay.” She answered. Dianne was scared and felted lonely, cold, and hopeless when she made contact with the shadow. Dianne was now filled with all her bad emotions, she was thinking of past memories and then she started to cry. “I’m ready,” she said. “Okay. Now just let it all out in our hand.” Damien said. There was a moment of silence and Damien was staring at Dianne’s hand when he saw a little blink and it was gone. Damien turned so that he was facing Dianne. Her face was all scrunched up and her eyes were closed and she had a tear. Damien laughed so loud that the wolves outside could hear it clearly. “HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!!!” He laughed. Dianne loosened her face and saw Damien laughing. “What! Did I do it?” she asked? Damien shook his head but he was still laughing. “All that came out of you was… peek!” Damien said as he put out one of his hands and the other hand, he made a finger go in the middle of the first and he said peek again! And he kept laughing and Dianne sat there looking at Damien trying not to laugh and then she got mad and she ran out of the tent. Damien saw her and he went running after her. “Wait! Dianne! I didn’t mean it!” he yelled. “NO! If you really didn’t mean anything by it then you wouldn’t be laughing for 5 minutes nonstop!” Dianne yelled. Dianne fell to the ground and put her hands to her face and started to cry. Damien finally cached up to her and he kneeled next to her. “I’m sorry, Dianne. I really didn’t mean it, I swear.” Damien said apologizing. “How am I supposed to be this great hero if I can’t even show my power? I can’t do this! How did I even get mixed up in this mess?” Dianne said to Damien crying. Damien pulled her closer and he put his hand over her hair and rubbed it over and over again. “It’s okay. We will learn soon and you will master your power.” Damien said. “Dianne. Dianne? Dianne, hello?” he said. He pulled her away from him but still his arms around her and he saw that she had fallen asleep. Damien carried her back to the camp area and he and Dianne went to sleep.

Yes, a lot has happened. Let’s get a run down of what happened! Meet Skylaeth, had dinner with Damien, tried to show her power and failed! Also had an argument and got it resolved!

Dianne woke up next to a tree leaning into it. As her eyes adjusted to the light, she saw Damien Packing the white horse that they left on and he saw her looking at him and he walked over to her. “Are you ready? We are leaving soon,” Damien said. “Oh. Yes I’m ready,” Dianne said as she got up and dusted off her skirt. Dianne walked slowly over to the horse and she still remembered what happened last night. Dianne hopped on the horse and Damien took the harness and led the horse. They rode in a heavy and awkward silence. Both of them wanted to speak something to each other but they didn’t know what to say. It was almost mid-noon since they left and Dianne grew tired and fell asleep. And then Soren broke the silence. “Prince Damien can I ask you something?” he asked. Damien looked at Soren for a moment. “Sure.” Damien answered. “What are we going to do now?” Soren asked. “What?” Damien said bewildered. “About the girl. We know that she is the princess but what do we do now?” Soren asked. Damien didn’t answer for a long time and then he said, “I dunno, Soren. If we bring her back to the palace, what are we going to tell everyone? And if we do we have to train her and all the fame she will have she won’t even have a second to train.” Damien answered. “It’s like we have to hide her until the battle and that won’t be right.” He added. Then all of a sudden the horse whined and went on 2 legs and throw Dianne in the air and she woke up and screamed!! Damien ran to catch her and he made it in the nick of time. Dianne opened her eyes and saw Damien holding her. “Are you okay?’ he asked. “Uh… yea. Thanks,” Dianne answered. And she suddenly got off of Damien and started to walk to the horse to calm him down. Damien just stayed there thinking to himself. “Why did the horse get all jumpy all of a sudden? Did something scare him?” Damien asked himself. Then in the corner of his eye he saw something swear in the bushes. The shadow. He turned towards Dianne. “Dianne get away from the bushes!” Dianne turned and then Damien saw something snatch her up and carried her off. “Soren! Hurry up and get the wolves. Dianne’s in trouble!” he yelled. Soren got the wolves and while he was doing that Damien ran as fast as he could to catch up with Dianne and the Shadow. Dianne didn’t know what grabbed her but she was afraid. “Are you ready princess?” someone asked. Then she remembered that gloomy and eerily voice that threatened her last time. She knew who grabbed her, the shadow. Then Dianne was thrust against a tree. The shadow had put his arm against her neck and Dianne was grasping for air. Damien was still running towards Dianne & the shadow. “So this time princes I won’t let down my guard.” He said. And then he took her left hand and put it behind her back. “Are you ready princesss?” He hissed. “Nooo! Stop, Please!” Dianne yelled. But like last time the shadow took his time with the needle, but this time he took out the needle and he didn’t say anything. And quickly put the needle by Dianne’s neck and then he saw Damien and he pierced Dianne and the shadow retreated and Dianne fell to the ground paralyzed. Damien finally caught up and saw Dianne paralyzed. He kneeled next to her. Dianne’s eyes were closed. “No-no, no. Dianne wake up .Come on wake up.” Damien said as he lightly slapped Dianne’s cheeks and lifting her up to put her up against the tree. Soren came along and he also saw what had happened. Soren came closer to Dianne and he picked up Dianne’s hand and licked it. “She is not dead, Prince Damien.” Soren said. “Really? Most people die right after they are poked with the shadow’s deadly needle.” Damien said. “She must be strong … or her magic protected her just a little for a possibly that she may survive.” He said. Damien looked down at Dianne. “I know one thing for sure that she has to get back home. Damien said. “Then I shall erase her memories and I shall only leave her dreams of this journey and if she ever comes back . . . well then she will come back of only curiosity and wanting to find out what these dreams mean. And if she does go father than we are now then we shall start from there.” Damien added. Then he picked up Dianne and got on the white horse. And he and the wolves rode on in silence. But instead of following though on the long trail Damien cut through some trees and bushes and found the short trail. “Is she going to be okay?” Skylaeth asked Soren. “If we get her back to the human world in time, then maybe if the rumors are true that they have better medical treatments than us then she shall live. This needle poke is deadly to us and to the human world it is like… a simple cold.” Soren answered while Prince Damien wasn’t paying attention. When they finally reached the end of the forest trail or where Dianne first runs in, Damien stops the horse and he’s preparing to erase Dianne’s memories. As Damien looked down at Dianne he saw that she was all tense and at that moment Damien said the same weird words again, “@#$%$&*$#@$.” The same white light came out of he’s hand and then after a moment Dianne was sleeping but still hurting inside. “Skylaeth, you and her were good friends?” he asked. “Yes sir. What of it?” Skylaeth said. “I want you to stay with Dianne for a few days just to make sure that nothing happens.” He said. “Okay sir, but I’m a wolf and in the human world they don’t see wolves just anywhere.” Skylaeth said. “True only if there was a way to like hide you… we could change you into a dog Skylaeth is all right?” Damien asked. “Anything for Dianne.” She said. “Good.” Damien said and at that moment he said the same weird words and then Skylaeth transformed from a shiny grey wolf to a bright red fur colored dog. Her beautiful grey fur changed into a glossy red fur and it shined in the sunlight. “Ready, Skylaeth?” Damien asked. “Only I and Skylaeth can go into the human world, sorry guys.” He added. “Okay, Prince Damien, but please be careful.” Soren said as he and the other 11 wolves bowed as they crossed over to the other side. “Ummm… do we know where she lives Prince Damien?” Skylaeth asked. Damien slapped his face and said, “No. Dam.


Related Information:

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator… 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It’s a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I’ve got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You’re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

People Really Said These Things In Court Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis – does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son – the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

The Blonde & The Coke Machine It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out – so she kept putting money in.
And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We’re all hot and thirsty!"
And the blonde said, "No way. I’m still winning!"

Poor Old Man This old man goes to the doctor’s.
"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."
"So what’s the problem?"
"I can’t remember where I live."

Blonde in a Car A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ”I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?”
”Why sure,” said the manager, ”we have something that works especially well for that.”
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ”No, no! A little to the left,” said the other blonde inside the car.

Daughter’s Prayer A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn’t know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

Your Family Is So Poor Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”

Tooth Pulling A man and his wife entered a dentist’s office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You’re a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Grass Eater A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children…"
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

You”re So Ugly You”re so ugly, when yo” mama dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering!

Pinocchio and Splinters One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn’t, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Clinton, Bush, and Washington… Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ”Save the women!”
George Bush hysterically screeches, ”Screw the women!”
And Bill Clinton’s eyes light up and he says, ”Do we have time?”

Not Going To Try This Again A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse”s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse”s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse”s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Mini Meanie The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry,
I’ll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

The Deacon and the Preacher There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ”How ya doing?”
The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ”You want that?” the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.
At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ”He was a good man and I’ll never forget him,” the preacher said, ”I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.”
The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ”Please, get up! You’re kneeling on my oxygen hose!”

Too Smart A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what’s your problem?"
Harry answered, "I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What’s starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong……

A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off.

The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.

Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.

The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.

Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was – a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket …

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes … the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote …
But hey, I didn’t give a damn. My car was parked around the corner …

A blonde girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look – A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these …!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts. "Is it because I am special mummy?"

"No dear it’s because you are 25."

A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.

Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it ‘THE BLONDE’ and told the kid to give it to his mom.

The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." and the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

~~~~

Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

A Blonde’s Year in Review
January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…Helllloooo!!!… bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
March: Got really excited – finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… Box said "2-4 years!"
April: Trapped on escalator for hours… power went out!!!
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid… wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June: Tried to go water skiing… couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition… Learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm… Car swamped because soft-top was o pen.
September: The capital of California is "C"… isn’t it?
October: I hate M &M’s… They are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days… Instructions said one hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December: Couldn’t call 911… "duh" … there’s no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!
Star if u like them!!!!


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