I’ve never had a very good relationship with him and we just recently went through some legal issues and were ordered to go to therapy which I discontinued. For my own conscience I feel I should give him another chance. Any ways I could go about doing that without putting my emotions in harms way?
I was a late bloomer, and new even younger I was inquisitive, adventurous yet cautious and no where near ready to get married, in addition when I was 35 I had the blessed opportunity to have my aging mom come & agree to live with me & became the best friends we had ever been, & I was able to return the help, love and loyalty she gave me as a kid and on. I met a man two years later, after she passed, very laid back but friendly (German) and I am Greek. He was a polite slow starter to our friendship, had been married 25 years and wife left after last kid left the house. Later I found out she also expressed what was wrong, and by the time we met two year after their divorce, she was making attempts to declare interest again..maybe from guilt, maybe from second guessing her decision, conscience, or just making sure she did the right thing. By this time my husband had made a decision as we were progressing that I was the one he wanted to pursue.. So he did and in time after not much responding to her as I said to him her interruptions were unwelcome, either tell her you are seeing someone, it’s too late, and stop or I told him go and try again and be sure. Hence we are married. He really pushed to be married fairly soon. He did everything right that I saw and was responsible. He didn’t want to wait. I lost my head. He wooed me, dined me, called me, couldn’t keep his attentions or (later) stop from kissing and holding me, and even when I asked for us to slow the physical down he did so without hesitation until we married. He is a good man. The day we married HOWEVER and forward he (I believe got suddenly confused) I guess. We just married in a church, two witnesses and that’s it. I was disappointed he wanted no wedding or never considered it would be special and a welcome memory for me to make an effort to have something more special, but he was in such a hurry.. and said he had the "big wedding" and were were both older and it costs money (I agreed), so we didn’t. I would be okay today with this if all had not changed the day we married. We had 5 minute s-x and went to Cracker Barrell for lunch. He was cold. His family was upset, though they and we are fine now, he was unhappy, he would not touch me and I was lucky to see 5 minute s-x once a month, I asked him two weeks into the marriage waht’s going on and that I needed him.. he said absolutely nothing and left for work. Time would lapse and he wouldn’t notice, I had addressed it many times and that one of the things that drew me two him was when I asked what he wanted out of his marriage if done again.. he said someone who likes to have s-x AND communication. To date he rarely does either. Two months into it I told him clearly I noticed and asked if he did, & he clammed up. Later I asked him most difficult questions -
If he was happy; he shook his head no; If he wanted to be married – he shook no; If her wanted to be
married to me – shook no; If he wanted to be married to me the next 30 years – shook no; If he loved or was in love with me – he shook no. It was 2 am when I asked those tough questions – tough for me to ask and tough for me to hear. Since, then he thought I would surely throw him out. I did not. He said he didn’t know why he felt that way but thought of me as a sister and didn’t have s–x—l feeling at that time and asked me to give him time. I did. We are good friends, we joke,I love him, take care of him – one of the things he did though for months early in this short year though, was point out all the things we didn’t have in common. In sort of a poking sarcastic way. Though I asked him later on to stop and he did, the lack of passion that was missing has taken a toll on me. It sunk in after awhile and really hurt me. I kind of had a delayed reaction to how he initially felt. We both believe in Jesus, and am sure that is what glues us at this point. He has never acted like he is in love with me since we dated, and changed "the day of marriage". It feels horrible. I asked him if he was just staying because he didn’t want another failed marriage, or just wants a companion, or why?
He said he loves me was his answer, but I have not seen one passionate romantic gesture or outing where he clearly means physical busniess. I used to have to ask and initiate sex and told him later on I do not want to anymore, but it is hard, and now I have lost so much interest. He doesn’t have his hands on me and want me like he used to during dating, it isn’t like he always was this way. He was respectful but very different. I have mentioned 3 or 4 times this year.. that I need physical affection and to see and hear he wants me and show it, He has become so reserved and mechanical when we are together. He tries. I can tell, but something is stopping him. He has relaxed much and we joke and eat out. I am the same weight I was when we dated and married.
I tell him I love him he tells me, but all the sexy texts and passion left – WHERE DI IT GO? He won’t open up
he cheated, he lied, he humiliated, he spread things, he slagged you off behind your back, he yelled abuse at you in bad grammar calling you immature pathetic and childish.
All you did was discover his other girlfriend and apologizes for getting in the way, to get it off my conscience and also secretly to give her ample warning that she can make her judgments on. But i made that part quite subtle.
Now he’s getting his friends toa apologize for him saying "he didn’t mean it that way" and "you know he says stupid things when he’s mad"
He approaches you at a social evening. He tries apologize to you, what do you say?
if you took it, and then he tried to hug you, what do you do/say?
if you were passive, and civil, and he tried to hug you, what would you do/say?
if you got mad and he tried to hug you, what would you do or say?
etc you get the picture explain your answer please, because this will be me tonight – and NO i don’t want him back!
PS i THINK i’m gonna go passive and if he tries anything i’ll say "Don’t push your luck, boy."…yes, or no? (the boy part is to show how i think HE is teh immature one!)
Advice to young men: Do not marry, do not have children
ENTERSTAGERIGHT ^ | 11/12/2007 | Stephen Baskerville
Posted on Tuesday, November 13, 2007 7:08:30 AM by Responsibility2nd
Marriage is a foundation of civilized life. No advanced civilization has ever existed without the married, two-parent family. Those who argue that our civilization needs healthy marriages to survive are not exaggerating.
And yet I cannot, in good conscience, urge young men to marry today. For many men (and some women), marriage has become nothing less than a one-way ticket to jail. Even the New York Times has reported on how easily "the divorce court leads to a jail cell," mostly for men. In fact, if I have one urgent piece of practical advice for young men today it is this: Do not marry and do not have children.
Spreading this message may also, in the long run, be the most effective method of saving marriage as an institution. For until we understand that the principal threat to marriage today is not cultural but political, and that it comes not from homosexuals but from heterosexuals, we will never reverse the decline of marriage. The main destroyer of marriage, it should be obvious, is divorce. Michael McManus of Marriage Savers points out that "divorce is a far more grievous blow to marriage than today’s challenge by gays." The central problem is the divorce laws.
It is well known that half of all marriages end in divorce. But widespread misconceptions lead many to believe it cannot happen to them. Many conscientious people think they will never be divorced because they do not believe in it. In fact, it is likely to happen to you whether you wish it or not.
First, you do not have to agree to the divorce or commit any legal transgression. Under "no-fault" divorce laws, your spouse can divorce you unilaterally without giving any reasons. The judge will then grant the divorce automatically without any questions.
But further, not only does your spouse incur no penalty for breaking faith; she can actually profit enormously. Simply by filing for divorce, your spouse can take everything you have, also without giving any reasons. First, she will almost certainly get automatic and sole custody of your children and exclude you from them, without having to show that you have done anything wrong. Then any unauthorized contact with your children is a crime. Yes, for seeing your own children you will be subject to arrest.
There is no burden of proof on the court to justify why they are seizing control of your children and allowing your spouse to forcibly keep you from them. The burden of proof (and the financial burden) is on you to show why you should be allowed to see your children.
The divorce industry thus makes it very attractive for your spouse to divorce you and take your children. (All this earns money for lawyers whose bar associations control the careers of judges.) While property divisions and spousal support certainly favor women, the largest windfall comes through the children. With custody, she can then demand "child support" that may amount to half, two-thirds, or more of your income. (The amount is set by committees consisting of feminists, lawyers, and enforcement agents – all of whom have a vested interest in setting the payments as high as possible.) She may spend it however she wishes. You pay the taxes on it, but she gets the tax deduction.
You could easily be left with monthly income of a few hundreds dollars and be forced to move in with relatives or sleep in your car. Once you have sold everything you own, borrowed from relatives, and maximized your credit cards, they then call you a "deadbeat dad" and take you away in handcuffs. You are told you have "abandoned" your children and incarcerated without trial.
Evidence indicates that, as men discover all this, they have already begun an impromptu marriage "strike": refusing to marry or start families, knowing they can be criminalized if their wife files for divorce. "Have anti-father family court policies led to a men’s marriage strike?" ask Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson in the Philadelphia Enquirer. In Britain, fathers tour university campuses warning young men not to start families. In his book, From Courtship to Courtroom, Attorney Jed Abraham concludes that the only protection for men to avoid losing their children and everything else is not to start families in the first place.
Is it wise to disseminate such advice? If people stop marrying, what will become of the family and our civilization?
Marriage is already all but dead, legally speaking, and divorce is the principal reason. The fall in the Western birth rate is directly connected with divorce law.
It is also likely that same-sex marriage is being demanded only because of how heterosexuals have already debased marriage through divorce law. "The world of no-strings heterosexual hookups and 50% divorce rates preceded gay marriage," advocate Andrew Sullivan points out. "All homosexuals are saying…is that, under the current definition, there’s no reason to exclude us. If you want to return straight marriage to the 1950s, go ahead. But until you do, the exclusion of gays is simply an anomaly – and a denial of basic civil equality."
We will not restore marriage by burying our heads in the sand; nor simply by preaching to young people to marry, as the Bush administration’s government therapy programs now do. The way to restore marriage as an institution in which young people can place their trust, their children, and their lives is to make it an enforceable contract. We urgently need a national debate about divorce, child custody, and the terms under which the government can forcibly sunder the bonds between parents and their children. We owe it to future generations, if there are to be any.
Stephen Baskerville, Ph.D., is assistant professor of government at Patrick Henry College and President of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children
Is that you really feel next?
Not biased at all are you?
Valerie:
I will take your word for it since you have no FACTS to back you up.
These women that go to college.
Who gives them finacial support?
If it is their fathers…..OMG!
Fathers are MEN!!!!
Dear God!
Learning: Women tend to change to witches after marriage.
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