I’m crushed right now and I need something to write on my hand to look at everyday because I am hurting on the inside. I need encouragement..
I know i’m doing the right thing but it’s still really hard. It’s been 2 1/2 years and it’s just not working but I still love him. Advice please? It wasn’t a bad break up or anything, I just need encouragement that people out there have gone through the same thing and are okay 
Related Information:
I’m having a hard time trying to forgive and forget when my husband deserted me in our marriage on several situations where I needed him the most. He wasn’t emotionally or at least physically there for me when my mother died, he actually gave me more grief then any thing. We fought so much during this because as he puts it "I should have gotten over her death within 4 months of her death…because that’s how he is and is family is." We went to see a marriage counselor, but stopped going after he said that he was only going because I was making the appointments. He claims that he acted this way because he was dealing with emotional issues from his childhood and his deployment which both, he didn’t bother trying to get help for….even when I tried to get him help. Everytime I cried about my mother’s death, he would say nasty things like "well, I’m not going to comfort you because your going to still cry anyways." To make matter’s worse, my family also deserted me and withheld their support, I basically had no one to be there….except for a psychiatrist…even though I would have liked that to be my husband or family.
Well, I forgave him and gave him another chance. Shortly, I lose my job, and guess what….he was not emotionally supportive for me again. Instead of giving me encouragement, he would bitch me out and constantly stress me out even more by threatening me that "we were going to have problems if I couldn’t find a job." It wasn’t like I was sitting around the house just chillan, I constantly applied to jobs to no avail. I finally got a job working a fast food joint, something I told myself that I would never do ever again in my life, but I did it to keep my marriage together. Sure enough, his attitude was towards me did a 360 and he was happy with me once again….I feel very disgusted with the way he has acted….and he claims that now he realizes that he was not there for me the way he should have been, but I can’t help but constantly play back everything in my head and wonder should I continue with this marriage or not?
I grew resentment towards him for putting me through all this. I cried alone so many times, and I’m done feeling hurt. I love him still, and I don’t want to get a divorce…..needless to say, I fell into drinking alcohol to numb everything out. I’m angry and hurt, and it feels like no matter how many times he claims he is a changed man, and promises he will not desert me, I can’t seem to forget what he has done and fear that he would act like this again in the future. I can’t go through this again, I’m too weak. I’m sorry if I sound like complaining but I just don’t have anyone.
thank you Duo, I will check out that website. It is comforting to know that I’m not the only person going through this sort of problem in marriages. Now I don’t feel to entirely alone.
I’m new at this and I’m trying to figure out if there is a way that I can reply to each of your individual responses. Is there any other way to do this other than adding more details?
Karin- You are so right, love should be unconditional and I don’t feel that he loves me unconditionally. I actually feel like I’m married to a groupie…you know someone that only wants to be around when things are going great, then they are there fully without skipping a beat. That’s not who I want in my life. I feel so betrayed and hurt. Im not trying to play the blame game, but I think what made matter’s worse is that I never had a chance to really cope with my mother’s death because I have been so worried about my marriage constantly and she passed away on November 9th 2008. I got so disgusted with him when he started to act happy again when I found a job, I left him and stayed with a friend for a week. He says he is going to work on himself and change…but I just don’t believe he will. I feel like a stupid woman for giving him so many chances, my gut tells me that he will never really act right. Thank you for your response hun.
XO- you made me realize that I am looking for a reason to stay in this marriage…I don’t want to leave but at the same time, this marriage is causing me more damage than good. It does feel like abuse, as much as I don’t want to think about it like that, but it does feel that way because I’m emotionally torn and damaged about the one person that should have had my back regardless just failed on me the worse way possible. I will work on myself to lift myself out of this depression and alcoholism, your right, even though I can’t save this marriage, I can at least save myself. Thank you for your response.
Scarlet Cougar- I totally feel what your saying. He promised me that he will go to therapy, and he is willing to. The problem is, is that I have no faith in people anymore. I have been lied to, betrayed, and cheated out of happiness from this man. I just don’t believe that he will change, I wish there was some sort of pill that I can take that can just wipe the painful memory of him deserting me, cuz I think that will be the only way that I can even look at him now. I will try and get involved with a support group aside from him. Your right, I know that I have worn him out with the constant demand for support, but at the same time, he left me know choice with him so focused on his career, we have moved around the U.S. with his job I have lived in 5 states within the past 3 years, I can’t even establish friends…or even a stable career. I guess that’s what I get for being the “supportive wife” he never deserved to ask me to drop everything to support him in his career decisions.
Queen Agnostic- That’s true, we all make mistakes. I have a hard time believing in anyone that makes the mistake of not being there for the person they claim to love, that they even love that person at all. I mean, I think I could do what he did to me to someone else if I absolutely did not love or care about that person….thats the only way possible….
I will try and keep finding work and establish something for me and slowly remove myself from this if it comes down to it. I’m going to give our marriage once last chance at least I will know then that I did give it a chance.
As for the alcohol, I will stop and quit, Its not so bad to the point that I have to have it. I’m really sorry for your loss, my mother died exactly one year and one day before yours (November 9th 2008), and it hurts everyday. I’m so sorry hun, my heart aches for you. I know that everytime I look up at the sky, I know she is looking back. I know that your mother is doing the same to you (hugs).
Queen Agnostic-It will get better in time, trust me. It hurts everyday as if it happened yesterday, but I know that she is in a better place. Thank you for your support and advice, I really appreciate it.
Island- That’s what I believe to, I didn’t expect him to be the one of the people that failed to be there for me. It felt like a major slap to the face that he, along with my siblings, turned his back on me when I needed him the most. I can’t get over that part, I’m losing sleep, I can’t look at him without disgust.
I didn’t think that I was acting in a way that other people that lose their mother’s wouldn’t be. I have realized that he was just saying this as a cop out excuse so that he wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I’m going to get counseling, definitely, and I don’t have faith in him or much less anyone these days. I know for sure this will be the last time I say I do to anyone, I can’t go through disappointment again. Thank you for your advice and input, I greatly appreciate it.
Liz- Your so right, and I think that’s why our marriage is the way it is now. I’m going to try this marriage counseling with him since now he is “serious” about it, but I’m also embracing myself for the worse. Thank you for your time and input.
Six6un- Wow…ouch…you really told it like it is…a little hurtful, but since when does the truth feel good huh? I appreciate you being honest with me. I’m sorry for the too much info….I wasn’t always so emotionally dependant…I just became this way when I lost my mom, I lost my mom in the most traumatic experiences ever…I watched her slowly die in ICU helplessly for one month alone (it’s a longer story how it happened but long story short, she slipped into a coma and never woke up after experiencing complications from multiple seizures during a dialysis session.)
A long time ago, we were happy with each other, he wasn’t this coward that I see now. I fell in love with his representative, it feels like this man that
continued…I see now didn’t appear until we said I do, seriously. I don’t want to end this marriage, but at the same time your right, I don’t need someone that can’t stay by my side when things aren’t going great. I don’t think I can be or consider being with another man after this marriage. Thank you for your advice and honesty.
Related Information:
I have been married for 3 years and together with my Husband for 7 years. I am 26 years old. Everything was going great until a month ago. I felt as though my whole world collapsed. I couldnt decide if i loved my husband anymore. this broke my heart. i kept looking at him and trying to decide. I am off sick from work with depression because of it and i just want things back to normal i keep telling myself.
I decided if i didnt want to be with my husband anymore i was going to end my own life. i am so scared of failing my marriage because i made my vows and told myself i would never stray from my hubby.
i had a turbulant childhood, always moving around and i went to 11 different schools. my dad was never known to me so it was always just my mum and siblings who had different fathers. I explain this as i am trying to put my problems down to my childhood. Perhaps i am just ready to move on as i have never been stable? i knew i loved my husband but i dont know now.
we bought a wonderful house and i learnt to drive and got a new car of my own and got a dog and a good job and eveything i have ever wanted but now i dont want any of it. I hate the way i am feeling. I know i have to stay and try and sort things out with my hubby but i cant even go home, i am staying with my in-laws as it upsets me to go home.
as i have said i wanted to die because of these feelings taking over me but i dont know what to do. He hasnt done anything wrong and is the sweetest guy in the world, i just dont feel that buzz any more and how do you know if you truley love someone?
My mum was married 5 times before she died when i was 16 and she had 7 children. I dont want to be like this and have worked really hard to avoid it but I am now at breaking point.
Please help, I need encouragement to stay and battle through. I dont want to run away again.
Related Information:
I’m a 19-year-old college girl, and for personal and religious reasons (I’m Christian), I’ve committed to remaining a virgin until my wedding night. I still want to date now, because naturally my body is encouraging me to have sex, and I want very much to fall in love and move toward that wedding night. The only trouble is that it seems most guys are accustomed to getting sex much earlier in a relationship than I’m willing to provide it, and I’m worried they’ll all get snatched up by girls who put out sooner.
Also, I hear so much talk about wanting to ensure "sexual compatibility" before marriage. This doesn’t really make sense to me because I’m thinking that if we have compatible sex drives, as well as similar morals and desires when it comes to sex (all of which we can find out just by talking), and we both have all functioning parts, there can’t be any real sexual incompatibility. Of course, I’m a virgin, so if I’m wrong on this, do tell. My point being that many people consider premarital sex common, and even practical.
So here’s the thing: I want a man who will respect my desire to save sex for marriage, who will be willing to marry without a "test run," and who will be patient enough to work with me on the honeymoon until I’m able to please him sexually. Are they still out there? If so, where can I find them? Are there any men on Y!A who are also waiting?
greatprincemichael, that was completely unhelpful. I’m already aware that most people in our society engage in premarital sex. If you read the question, I’m looking for someone to help me live up to my personal standards, not to scoff at them. A conservative church has not forced these values on me; I have chosen them myself based on my own personal interpretation of the Bible, and based on what I do and don’t want to experience in my life.
Thanks to everyone else for the wonderful answers! I really appreciate the suggestions, the encouragement, the personal experience, and the humour!
Related Information:
> > > > > > HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
> > > > > > HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
> > > > > > HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
