We were together for almost a year and we had been living together for 4 months. I’m a college student and have a part time job and he has a full time job. I got too wrapped up in my life and didn’t spend enough time with him and I became an unpleasant person. I see that now and I’m changing it. The girl he started dating isn’t who I was a week ago. He’s being stubborn and won’t let himself even try to forgive and try again.
First, a little background history: My wife and I started young. We were engaged young, married young, and started our family young. And despite the odds and the nasty comments from relatives, we managed to not “end up in a trailer home” (in quotes because this was one of the aforementioned comments from a relative.
We did good for ourselves. We bought our first home, started our own business and then because of the business, sold our first home and moved into a bigger one that had space for our business.
Well, the economy took a crap and so did our business. Then we were stuck in a too-big home with a too-big mortgage that the business was no longer paying half of. So I got a weekend job. It was hard at first, but we managed. Then I began hating my full-time job. I’m miserable there.
So I applied to a college and began attending classes every weeknight in the evenings so that I can get into a career I love. It’s been about three years since that decision. Well, my wife is miserable.
She is a stay-at-home mom who is also attending school full-time, but everything of hers is online so it doesn’t interfere with her being home with the kids. In the beginning, she was in full support of my going back to school but now she makes comments sometimes like when I have to study and she wants to plan a family thing…”of course you have to study, etc.”
She says things like she’s tired of being the one waiting at home for the other. She’s tired of when she’s had a terrible day with the kids that she doesn’t have a partner who comes home in the evening so she can get out and re-coup. She hates that the boys are being jipped out of a family dinner each night. She also says that me being gone all the time is affecting how she mothers, her patience is wearing thinner and she’s constantly stressed out because there’s no start and end to her “workday.”
Then we fight because I ask her how she thinks I feel…I’m working full-time, going to school and then working another 12 hours over the weekend. I tell her to wait it out, that our situation will get better but she says by then she’s afraid she’ll have too much resentment. We’re trying to sell our house. I’ll be graduating in a year. She is almost finished with school. But I can’t get her to see that it will all be coming to an end soon.
She always uses the line “what if I’m dead by then?” (she started using this line after her friend was killed in a car accident about 9 months ago.) She says when the house sells, we should go our separate ways, but I can’t see how that could be better than our current situation.
What can I do? Are we past saving?
When it’s good, it’s reallllly good but then she gets into moods where she just resents everything I do.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to lose her but I can’t change our situation.
First, a little background history: My wife and I started young. We were engaged young, married young, and started our family young. And despite the odds and the nasty comments from relatives, we managed to not "end up in a trailer home" (in quotes because this was one of the aforementioned comments from a relative. We did good for ourselves. We bought our first home, started our own business and then because of the business, sold our first home and moved into a bigger one that had space for our business.
Well, the economy took a crap and so did our business. Then we were stuck in a too-big home with a too-big mortgage that the business was no longer paying half of. So I got a weekend job. It was hard at first, but we managed. Then I began hating my full-time job. I’m miserable there. So I applied to a college and began attending classes every weeknight in the evenings so that I can get into a career I love. It’s been about three years since that decision. Well, my wife is miserable. She is a stay-at-home mom who is also attending school full-time, but everything of hers is online so it doesn’t interfere with her being home with the kids. In the beginning, she was in full support of my going back to school but now she makes comments sometimes like when I have to study and she wants to plan a family thing…"of course you have to study, etc." She says things like she’s tired of being the one waiting at home for the other. She’s tired of when she’s had a terrible day with the kids that she doesn’t have a partner who comes home in the evening so she can get out and re-coup. She hates that the boys are being jipped out of a family dinner each night. She also says that me being gone all the time is affecting how she mothers, her patience is wearing thinner and she’s constantly stressed out because there’s no start and end to her "workday." Then we fight because I ask her how she thinks I feel…I’m working full-time, going to school and then working another 12 hours over the weekend. I tell her to wait it out, that our situation will get better but she says by then she’s afraid she’ll have too much resentment. We’re trying to sell our house. I’ll be graduating in a year. She is almost finished with school. But I can’t get her to see that it will all be coming to an end soon. She always uses the line "what if I’m dead by then?" (she started using this line after her friend was killed in a car accident about 9 months ago.) She says when the house sells, we should go our separate ways, but I can’t see how that could be better than our current situation. What can I do? Are we past saving? When it’s good, it’s reallllly good but then she gets into moods where she just resents everything I do. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to lose her but I can’t change our situation.
Jules: I love her and my boys more than anything in the entire world. They’re the entire reason I started going back to school, I thought that a few tough years later and we would be better than we were before.
just me: Sounds like you’ve been screwed over yourself. That woman you describe is not my wife though. I’d have a hard time giving her any money if she divorced me, because that’s not her personality. She doesn’t take hand me downs. And the money is not "my money." I may get the paycheck, but the money is "our money." Hopefully you can recover from whatever you’ve been through.
*hand-me-downs = hand-outs
So, I don’t want you to think I’m making excuses but I do KNOW that my husband’s mother raised him to be a slob. She never held him accountable or made him clean his room. She tells me stories about how bad it used to be and laughs and says "good luck!" I have tried pretty much everything I can think of. I just let it get so terrible sometimes because I’m the only one who will ever do anything about it. I spend my time cleaning it and then he just makes a big mess again. I mean…leaving his clothes on the floor. Piles of soda cans on his desk and then when that’s full it goes to the floor. Stains on the carpet because if he spills he doesn’t clean it up, stains on the couch, pieces of food on the floor if he drops some. I mean…I love him and he’s not a fat slob he’s actually very good looking lol but he is SO messy and lazy. What in God’s name do I do?! I’ve told him it depresses me to see the house like this…that is hurts my feelings he doesn’t help me…and he says he’ll help and does it once and then goes back to his old ways. Don’t tell me to hold out on sex. That’s stupid and I won’t. Give me some other help than that please. Thank you.
Oh and his excuse is that he works all week and I just go to school so I have more time than him but it’s bull shit. That’s the number one reason. He thinks I don’t do as much because school isn’t a job and I can’t convince him that it takes up just as much time as a full time job PLUS I work 2 days a week.
I have a wonderful husband whom I love with every inch of my heart. Together we have a beautiful baby boy who is almost 3 months old. My husband is the best father that I could have ever asked for my son. He loves his baby boy so much. And I know he loves me too, but I’m questioning whether or not he is IN LOVE with me anymore…
Like I said, I know he loves me. I have been going through alot with family and he is always there for me with a shoulder to cry on. Anytime I am sad or upset he is always there to make me feel better. He goes to work 7 days a week to provide for me and our child. He comes home every day after work and takes care of us. I know there is no other woman in the picture…
I just don’t know if I make him happy anymore. We seem to always argue over the smallest things. He is not as loving towards me in terms of affection and whatnot. He used to help me cook and clean and things of that nature but now he is acting like most other men in the world in thinking that I have to do all that myself, on top of working a full time job. I just don’t know what to do. I love him so much. And I am still very much in love with him.
Does it sound to you like he is falling out of love with me?
And any advice on things I can do to make him feel happy again?
I guess I should have mentioned that I have been very sad and upset lately about work and family stuff so do you think maybe he is just tired of dealing with my sadness??
Advice…
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