I was "saved" or I thought I was saved perhaps 8 months ago. I really felt I gave my life to Jesus. The church said, "If you pray this prayer and you mean it…you’re saved." Well, I prayed it and meant it. Apparently I’m not saved because I’m a more bitter and angrier person than ever before, although I STILL LOVE JESUS.
Things got better/the same for me after I became "saved" and professed my new-found faith to the congregation. After 4 months, I stopped going to Church. I started drinking profusely. I started visiting prostitutes profusely. I started working as a bouncer in a nude, filthy strip club. I became angry. I started lashing out. I started cursing, getting a tattoo. I started being treated for depression. I dropped out of college. I’ve been dumped by 4 girlfriends who I was sleeping with and they all developed hatred for me while I was nice to them. All my friends stopped associating with me. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying. All I’ve done is tell people "I’m a Christian. I love Jesus" and wearing a huge, gold cross around my neck.
Do you think it’s possible/probable that God is allowing me to suffer miserably and making me search out things like whures and hookers and dumb girlfriends that are immoral. Do you think God has taken it up on himself to allow me to reach the low in my life where I want to jump off the Brooklyn bridge due to my misery?
Could he be trying to show me that no matter how many girls I sleep with; no matter how fancy my clothes are; how good-looking I think I am. That no matter how many film festivals my movies make, that’s not gonna help me. Could he be preventing me from having any happiness to FORCE ME TO GO BACK TO THE CHURCH AND THE LORD?
IS GOD CURSING ME SO THAT I LOVE JESUS MORE?
Don’t they say that the devil goes after you even harder after you become a Christian? Maybe the devil turned it up a notch against me?
