We met on myspace roughly 2 1/2 years ago on the school forum. When we’d decided to meet up and go to a movie, it was really easy to talk to him about nothing, our conversation flowed over a million topics (which is REALLY rare, my closest friend besides him has trouble getting me to talk)
The day after we met, he asked me out and I accepted. For 3 months everything felt fantastic, then one day I woke up and was like…this isn’t right, this isn’t going to work. I broke up with him after figuring out why that feeling came so suddenly. (I’m really not a big fan of commitment, my parents are a fine example of jumping into a commitment too fast)
We didn’t talk for a few months; he’s the kind of guy that attaches and doesn’t let go so I think I broke his heart then. I sent him a message asking how things were going. After a bit we were back to talking like before. For the next two years, I’d thought that we were just friends, that he was over his crush. I’ve always been protective of him, but I figured it was because I didn’t want his easily-hurt feelings messed with. But awhile back he told me that he wasn’t over me, he couldn’t handle me dating, breaking up, and then crying to him that there was nobody out there for me. So he cut off contact again. The next few days were…I didn’t bother getting out of bed, with the exception of using the bathroom. After that, I thought that I was okay. I tried to off myself once, but for another reason. My mom and my friends noticed the difference that I didn’t see, though…I didn’t talk as much, I rarely laughed and if I did it sounded forced.
I didn’t realize how beat up I was over the whole thing until one day I wanted to go sort issues out with someone who showed serious stalker-like tendencies. I had a fight with my mom, and she was like "well maybe he’s just jealous and overprotective" and I said that that seemed to be a problem I had with lots of my guy friends and I started crying a little bit. My brother said in a very rude way "Why the heck are you crying? It’s because your a little Wh*** that attracts perverts right" and I said ‘No, it’s because I miss him you a**hole’ and I just absolutely broke down. That night, he called. When my mom told him how messed up I’d been, he drove over at 1AM on a school night to come comfort me because I’d started crying uncontrollably when I heard his voice on the other line.
We sat in his car for 3 hours just talking. And I’d ended up falling asleep with my head in his lap after he put his jacket over me because I was shivering. I realized that maybe I do have deeper feelings for him…
Now here’s the drama…one day I came over, and I don’t know what happened, I kissed him. And it escalated. He stopped me and said ‘I can’t do this, I have a girlfriend’. I was…devastated. Not only because he’d rejected me, but also because I hadn’t known that he had a girlfriend, and I basically just totally skewered their relationship. The guilt was so great that I’d tried to choke myself while he was downstairs. He pulled the hairties off my neck and held me until I stopped crying. We’ve still gotten closer since then though. He broke up with his ex, and now he’s talking to me about our futures…and how he hopes that they could possibly be combined. I don’t think I deserve him, and I’m horribly afraid to commit to something like that. I’m just so confused…
And I’m just…afraid to hurt him again. He’s the best person someone could know. But my commitment issues are just absolutely out of control, and I’ve been scared of getting into relationships lately. Also; some days he’s attractive to me and others I just see him as my best friend. It’s making me mad, because it’s even more proof that I don’t deserve him.
The summary is:
He liked me, I liked him. I stopped liking him, I dumped him. We didn’t talk for awhile, then we started again. For awhile I thought things were awesome, then he said he was jealous and stopped talking again. I got really down, and he came and made me feel better. The whole thing made me think that maybe I do have feelings for him, my emotions are just crazy around him. I kissed him not knowing he had a girlfriend and he proved how decent he was by stopping me. We’re closer then ever before, but sometimes he’s the guy I’m n love with, other times he’s just my best friend.
And I need to add that when I’m laying next to him on the couch justlounging, I feel so at peace it’s amazing…
Basically I’m asking for advice about what to do, if I should act on it or if I’ll just end up hurting him again..
