My ex and I split up four years ago after I caught them cheating. We have both moved on, however have a 5-year-old that we have joint custody over, although I’m the primary residence parent. In the past year they’ve threatened to challenge for custody a number of times, however backed down because they wanted to focus on their newborn. Since the birth of their new son they have indicated that they will no longer be accepting emails from me, but will talk about issues via the phone. Months ago I told them that I didn’t want to discuss issues over the phone because we weren’t communicating well, and email would allow us to be clear and straightforward. Also I wanted a record of the discussion and decisions made, so that they couldn’t say they’d said one thing, when they’d really said another, which they have a history of doing. Now we’re at an impasse as talking to them over the phone is stressful as they tend to get argumentative which solves nothing. I’m passive by nature, however want what’s best for my son. I’ve made it clear it was for health reasons I wanted to move to the email forum rather than over the phone, as the stress was aggrivating a medical condition, however they have ignored my concerns … as they have ignored serious issues such as vaccinations, using untested medications on my son against my will, and other health issues. How do I co-parent with someone who’s refers to medical and educational issues as "trivial issues" that cause them "needless stress?"
Actually I’m a guy … it’s the mother who cheated … twice … initially we weren’t sure my son was mine … then again a year after he was born … the new hubby is the second man she cheated with … they’ve decided together they will not accept any emails for the foreseeable future … my girlfriend keeps pushing me to talk to my lawyer … but I’ve put it off because I don’t want to rock the boat and I think it’s important for him to have access to his mom … that said, it’s getting to the point where if we can’t coparent than one of us should have final decision making power … if only for my son’s best interest!
I’m thinking it may be easier to simply buy a recording device and inform her that I will be recording phone conversations from now on to protect my own interests if we go to court. That way she’s informed about it so it’s legally admissible, and she gets her way regarding the email ….
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I live in Japan. My wife and I have always had communication problems. We fight a lot. From my perspective she is either in passive aggressive mode or simply aggressive mode most of the time. The odd thing is while she is hostile and uncompromising to me she has completely different things to say about me and her hopes when she talks about me to her mother.
We both thought we needed a break so we agreed she would take my child and visit her mother for a month. I tried to just not communicate and let things cool off and succeeded for a couple of weeks but when I called and tried to talk to her or my son she kept brushing me off even in the shortest conversations. This blew up into yet another fight over the phone after which she told me she would return to start divorce proceedings. After she came back I tried to let her cool off and made serious efforts to deal with my temper which in her view was the problem. I also tried to engage her in some actual dialog but the only thing she would talk about is divorce.
The thing is I also was in conversation with her mother who insisted that my wife was interested in repairing the marriage and that I could not take what she said at face value. No matter what I tried my wife simply would not engage in any kind of constructive conversation, and would only talk about divorce or separation.
Desperate to do anything to get her to cool off I agreed that she and my boy should go back and spend some more time with her mother. She liked that but said she wanted to go the next day. I did not know how long it would be until I could see my son again so I asked her to give me a couple of days with him so I could say good by and take him to disney land. I thought it was a reasonable request but she said "no". Impasse. The following day, she disappeared with him. After a week and a day she contacted her mother and we now know she has been in a shelter for abused women. I was not abusing her. We were not even raising our voices at each other. It seems she just wanted to deny me, the guy who is buying her plane tickets to be with her mother, a couple of days with our son.
In all our conversations she acknowledges that I am a great dad and I am, I get him up in the morning dress him feed him and take him to the bus stop, I also put him to bed most nights. In action I have been as much a mother to him, especially over the last two or three years than she has. So she keeps saying she wants us to raise our boy together, but her idea of "together" is she takes him to live in another town 500 miles away and I can see him when I can both take time off work and raise the plane fare. Plane fare is not cheap in japan and I am not a rich man, so that is simply a totally dishonest idea or an insane misrepresentation of what is practical.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage because I love my boy more than anything in the world and I want him to have a mamma and a papa. I also want to repair the relationship with my wife but simply cannot get her to engage.
I have never felt so hopelessly depressed in my life.
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