I’m about to be 21 years old now.. And i’ve been through alot.. enough to make it where I don’t want to EVER date again. In my mind, I believe all girls are evil and they want to eat your soul. Let me explain.
My first true love died in after a carwreck three days later in the hospital… As a result, I went into a really bad drug frenzy because I couldn’t deal with it. During this time, I met another girl.. Who looked just like her and had the same kind of personality too. Anyways, she always said she loved me and would never leave me.. [I asked her this all the time cause I was always tripping and paranoid] I was madly in love with her.. I would have killed myself in the blink of an eye.. I couldn’t imagine living without her. Well it ended after 8 months. And after it did end, I went crazy. I did things I shouldn’t have did and got locked up.. And I got a restraining order put on me. That was over 2 years ago…
I haven’t dated since. I have tried.. But I never ask a girl out.. everytime i started getting to know them.. they want to leave for someone else.. And I mean.. I always tell them i want to take it slow.. I would always plan to get to know them for a couple of months before asking them out.. But girls around my town always want to rush into things and start saying they love people when they first start going out with them. So every girl has pretty much ditched me for another guy just because I don’t jump in and start loving them. I know what love is now. I’ve felt it. Its everytime you see that person you love.. It feels like your heart drops into the pit of your stomach.. It beats so fast and you get a adreniline rush.
I just wonder if I will ever feel that again.. If i’ll ever have a wife of my own.. I don’t want to be lonely.. I’m scared of being lonely.. But i never show it around anyone.
What should I do? I’m in recovery right now.. [Been sober for a year] I’m a big Jesus freak. I go to therapy. I miss her alot.. And I hate her.. Its weird.. If I had the chance to go back with her.. I wouldn’t.. I dream about her sometimes still.. I think about her too sometimes unexpectedly.. If I wouldn’t have been on a drug that enhances your feelings x 100. I wouldn’t be this way i’m sure.
Any advice?
