My nephews 20 year old father committed suicide just 5 hours ago. He felt so alone and hopeless that he hung himself in his aunts basement. Now i didn’t hate him but because of some words we had had between us i had said and done some mean things to him since than, such as making him sit outside to visit his son because i was angry with him and didn’t want him in my house, or making him feel unwelcome when i did let him stay with me because he had no place else to stay. But i did still care about him i was just angry and this was my petty way of showing it i guess.This was awhile back and me and him haven’t even spoken since last christmas where we were very civil to each other because i was over being angry by than. However now the guilt is overriding me i have cried so much my face is raw because he has had such a hard life he really did as a child he was abused, molested, bounced through foster home to foster home. And as an adult he has struggled with drugs, trouble, and mental illness, i just keep seeing him and imagining how alone he must have felt, and i feel i am one of the reasons he felt so unwanted and unloved in this world that he didn’t want to live in it anymore. I know that isn’t realistic with all the other stuff he has had happen to him but i just want to take it all back and tell him how sorry i am and that he is cared about and its too late and its killing me.He was only 20 years old and he felt so unwanted and hopeless that he endured the suffering of hanging for 45 minutes before he was found, i cant get that image out of my head it will haunt me forever. How do i at least let go of enough of the guilt that i can move on enough to cope? I am a single mom of four kids and i have really not been all that much good to them since i heard the news cuz i cant stop crying for more than 5 minutes at a time. I think i have post partum on top of this and i’m just a real mess right now as you can probably tell. I wish i could just go back 5 hours and call him and tell him he’s not alone, i know what it feels like to feel all alone and i wish i hadn’t let him feel that way
Jessi thank you we did try so much to help him when he first entered our family but it seemed like he always fell back down. I guess he had just been damaged too much by the time he got to us. There were some pretty bad things done that led me to act the way i did to him but now that he’s gone it just feels insignificant and petty and although i know the few things i did that happened almost 2 years ago were probably the last thing on his mind as i said im a single mom of 4 so i know what its like to feel so alone and hopeless and i just wish i hadn’t done anything to make him feel that way if i did. i wish i could apologize and tell him he was still loved and cared for regardless of what he had done wrong. It probably wouldn’t have changed the outcome with everything he has been through but it would have eased my soul a little. The guilt is a big burden an i will never let my babies go to bed without telling them how much i love ever again. thank you for your kind words and prayers
Josh wherever you are i hope you are no longer hurting and are finally at peace like you could never be here on earth. Forgive me if i ever did or said anything to make you feel unloved or unwanted because you were loved and wanted and you will be missed more than you would have believed. I wish someone would have helped you when you were little before you had to go through what you did than maybe things would have been different and my nephew would still have his daddy. I miss you i hope your suffering has ended finally, i’m so sorry we couldn’t give you whatever it was you needed 
