Everyday I ask a couple of my friends if I look okay. They say yes, you look fine, then I ask again. Then they say that I look good, then I ask are you sure? They say yes, and then I ask if they are sure again, then again and again until I walk away not feeling satisfied. I have to check myself in the mirror between every period, and some times I get out of class just to see if I look okay in the mirror. I worry some times about being a homosexual, when I know that I won’t be, but I still worry. I check my weight too much, I think. I can check it twice or three times in a row to see if my scale changes it’s answer. Some times it does. When I see that I weigh like 106 lb or something like that, I plan to starve myself the next day, but I end up not, and I’m 5’4. I look up anorexic girls and say how ugly they are, then mention how bad they look to some of my friends, and then they tell me yes, they are. But I still always tell myself that I won’t eat, but I end up doing, because I get hungry. I have a four pack, but I still worry that I might be getting fat. I’m embarrassed because to go to the bathroom, I have to walk by the councilor’s room, and I think he sees me go to the bathroom lots. I go every morning, and he sees me do that too. I wonder if he thinks second about it. I very rarely have pimples, but some times I obsess over my face and start picking when nothing is there, then I have big, ugly marks on my face. Like I said, I also ask my friend(s) numerously in class if I look ok. Is this normal? What can I do about it? My friends also know the routine. Grrrrr….
Additional Details
I’m not underweight. I look perfectly healthy, actually. But it would be a mistake to lose less. But gaining 15 pounds would not be necessary.
I also don’t know why I wouldn’t have self esteem. I’ve never been raped, or any thing of that matter. My Mom divorced twice, my biological father (when I was very young) and my step-father, last year. But I really don’t think it is because of that since I wanted her to divorce, but I’ve been under stress. A lot of people I know go through divorces, doesn’t make them right, but I think it was good. School is stressful (numerous reasons, of course), newish house, SO much stuff I can’t all list. I also used to have a downloading problem where I would download all of the songs I wanted and I would get a huge bill, and I just bought and bought and bought. It’s not healthy. I stopped that, but I don’t know why this would be.. I’ve had confidence issues FOREVER though. I hate competition. When I win, I used to run off and cry. When I stand up to talk, I get all shaky. When I have to do anything in front of a crowd, I get nervous and feel like crying. This has dated back forever. When I mess up, I take it too hard. I think I’m some what of a perfectionist. My Mom has seen me do it too. She puts me in lessons, I think I repeat the same thing, but now that I’m older it’s a little different.
