Okay I have been with this man for 4 years and 9 as friends. I have been over weight all my life. He met me much bigger than what I look now. He said he doesn’t want to be with me because I’m overweight, he wants a different girl and he stopped loving me last year.
We broke up 2 months ago and 3 days b4 the break up we were already broken up. So he decides to run after me with flowers and kiss me unexpectedly and tell me he had no clue what he was doing living life without me, he told me he loves me and he doesn’t care about looks he just wants me to be healthy…. Okay so 3 days later he tells me he doesn’t love me and he wants a different girl…. so its been 2 months and let me point out we were going to get married… everything planned est,,,, we met up a week ago and he said that in the future if we are meant to be we might just end up together,,,,
He also said he didnt mean to say im overweight and that the breakup has nothing to do with my looks. I asked for the engagment ring and he said he wanted to keep it which i found it strange… what do u think this man wants or is trying to say…..
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This is my second marriage. We have been married a little over a year, and yet I am totally insecure. I’m overweight and so is he, and yes I was overweight when he met me, so it wasn’t like I gained weight once we got married. I also stopped working, (his request) about a month after we got married. And I have not been able to find other work. I have always been a HARD worker and not working has literally destroyed my self esteem.
He was deeply in love with his ex-wife and she really hurt him. It took him a long time to get over her. She has a daughter with another guy, but my husband feels like he is her dad. They talk on the phone often, and he will often talk to the girl’s mother. Although he says the mother disgusts him, and he feels she’s one step above white trash, the fact that he talks to her drives me up the wall. Because I am constantly worried that his old feelings will come back. See, when we first started going together and then got married, he was hardly talking to the daughter or the mom. They were on kind of a "hiatus", I guess because of some kind of difference of opinion. But since we have married he has reconciled with the daughter and they started talking again. And I am constantly worried that he will want to go back with her mom. She was his first serious love, and she works and is much better looking than me. At least I feel she is, my husband disagrees.
He looks at other women a lot. Women that are way better looking than me. But he says looking is all he is doing. Which I believe, but I don’t understand why, because he could literally take his pick. We don’t have sex that often, because he has diabetes and high blood pressure which has caused him to have ED and he is considerably older than me. I’m 39 and he is 50. And for some reason lately, whenever we do have sex, I am worried that he is thinking of her. Or he’s thinking of somebody better looking. Because he couldn’t POSSIBLY be attracted to me. Despite him saying I am the prettiest girl he knows, and that he wouldn’t leave me for her or any other girl I have the hardest time being convinced of this. Why? What can I do to snap out of this?
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If you have some time on your hand – here’s a question I posted last night:http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjoX_FcD5szKGjuZPMf8Dwbsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090607234916AAzkC9a
My husband and I are already talking about the divorce (in civilized and friendly manner) and I’m getting ready to file for it. However, I’m still going over my decision. Am I doing the right thing? Should I give him yet another chance.
To give more detail about what went wrong:
1. I gained some weight during the pregnancy (I wasn’t skinny when we got married either). This really bothers him. He told me many hurtful things about my body, about my undergarments. Things that make me feel ashamed to be naked when he’s in the room. (we haven’t been "together" for over a year). My mom was very good looking when my parents got married but now for the past 20 years she’s been overweight and when I tell my husband that my father didn’t stop loving her because of that and he’ll never leave her because of that, he says "I would".
2. He says that he doesn’t love me anymore. He is a calm and easy going person and even now that he moved out he tries to make jokes with me, but for the past 6 months when we’d talk seriously and I would ask him if he loves me, he says "no" and that he doesn’t have any feelings for me.
3. We have a 16 month old beautiful daughter. However, when I was 3 months pregnant and we had an argument he suggested that I have an abortion.
4. Before we had a baby we didn’t argue much, but every time there was some missunderstanding he would tell me that he wants a divorce ‘coz he thinks it’s easier this way. Each time I would ask him NOT to say that word and if he does then to think if he really wants to be married to me. He never really gave it any thoughts and everything went to "normal", he would tell me he loves me etc (that was pre-baby).
5. Last December I told him that I have enough and that he needs to figure out what he wants to do. He didn’t do anything to try to save this marriage. I got him some books which he didn’t read. I took him to counseling (we might have had a bad counselor) and after two sessions she told me that he’s immature, won’t change and that she’s surprised that a woman like me would want to be with a guy like him. She’s an older lady so I’m assuming she had some experience with marriage therapy. After those two sessions we each had our individual seesions, but it still didn’t change a thing.
6. We are both raised Catholics. We even had a church wedding (mostly because of my mother). However, I’m a Christian now and he says that he doesn’t believe in God. This was never an issue in our relationship. This isn’t the reason why I think about divorcing him.
7. Last September I opened my business (single practitioner esthetician). At that time my husband had another wave of "I want a divorce and I’m leaving you". I told him to make up his mind so that I don’t open the business. Next day he said that he doesn’t want to leave our daughter (his father did that to him) and he wants me to have the business. I’m not a lazy person and I am going to get a job if I can’t make my bus. work, however since I started working for myself I didn’t make money – just to cover the costs of running this business.
8. He says that I’m controling him because I call him after his work and ask him where he is and what time he’ll be home. Before we had baby, he would get very upset so I just stopped calling him (then one day he went to a bar with a friend after work and met some girls which later would call him and he first didn’t tell me what happened and then he lied – he says nothing happened). But after baby came I told him that I need to know what time he’s going to be home if he’s not planing to come home right after work. The therapist told him that this is marriage, then he said that if marriage means that he has to tell me where he’s going and what time he’ll return home then he doesn’t want to be married.
I did everything I could to try to help him with his emotional issues but it just doesn’t seem like he wants to really work on them. Because of everything that happened I don’t even know if I still love him, I’m confused and I’m hurt. I don’t believe in staying together for the sake of the kid. What’s the point of being unhappy and arguing. That’s not good for child either. But all those answers to my other question make me think if I’m doing the right thing? Is there anything else I could do? All my friends (and therapist) tell me that losing those 30lbs won’t change him, because if he would really love me – this wouldn’t bother him. I can’t turn his heart around. He’s a little upset that I asked him to move out. But how can I live with a man that says he doesn’t love me and that my body is ugly?
By the way, my husband is 37 years old.
Thanks for reading.
He proposed to me 3 months after we met. I’m 6 years younger. I thought he had his sh** together. He was crazy in love.
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