Hello,
I will apologize in advance for the length of this but I really don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t feel like I have anyone who understands what I’m feeling. So I’m going to vent for the first time about my feelings here with you.
I just turned 28 and had a mental break down over my birthday. Now that I am approaching my 30’s I see that I have accomplished nothing in my life. I have been living from paycheck to paycheck working in retail for over 10 years now with nothing to show for. I still live with my parents, I am always broke, I have no friends, and I am terrified at the thought of going to school again. My life mainly consist of working lots of hours at dead end jobs that get me nowhere and pay near nothing.
Suicide lingers in the back of my mind often, but I know I could never go through with it because I want to be there for my 5th grade son. I am ashamed that I couldn’t have provided a better life for him. I lacked the ambition to stay in college because I couldn’t even pass my prerequisite math and english courses to pursue a degree. I feel like an incompetent loser.
My girlfriend of 3 years loved me and accepted me for who I am. We lived together for 2 and a half years. She was always supportive of me and wanted nothing more than to get married and start a family. I love her with all my heart. But I constantly doubted myself because I can barely take care of myself and my son as it is. How can I possibly have a wife and more children? I even cheated on her and she found it in her heart to forgive me. I took her love for me for granted.
I made the mistake of telling her I was afraid of being able to provide for her as a husband and ended up leaving her. Because I wanted her to be with someone who could take care of her better than I ever could.
Throughout the entire time we were separated we were still in love and intimate with each other. She made plans to hang out with me one night and I wanted to have a serious talk about getting back together. Before she was about to come over she called and told me she was just going to have a few drinks with her sister for a few hours then come right over and hang out. She ended up getting completely wasted without any consideration of answering my calls and telling me what was going on. It wasn’t until after midnight I got a hold of her and she was trashed. I was so worried yet disappointed at the same time. So I decided to hold back on getting back together.
After a few months I told her that I wanted to give it another shot and work things out. I would do everything I could to make sure we could have the life she wanted. Even though it was just a few months of being separated she was unsure because she finally realized that she could do better. I knew she was dating other people but she promised me that she wouldn’t become intimate with anyone else while we were trying to work things out. I trusted her with all my heart and took her word for it.
While she was intimate with me and trying to repair our relationship I was trying really hard to get her to stop seeing other people. She ended up sleeping with someone else. Someone who was loaded with money and could make sure she would never have to work ever again. Someone who was everything I wasn’t. When I confronted her about it she denied it. I trusted her and loved her so much that I blindly accepted her for her word. Weeks later she finally she admitted it to me what happened then ended up breaking it off with him. Then we officially got back together.
I forgave her and blamed myself for what happened. I could have prevented all this damage if I just had the confidence in myself to stay with her. To work it out I had faith that our love for one another would prevail and even grow stronger in repairing our relationship. We’ve been back together for 3 months now but I can tell her heart is not in it like it used to be. It doesn’t feel the same like it used to. My love for her is stronger than ever. But it doesn’t feel mutual anymore. Now it feels like I’m putting all the effort in repairing our relationship than she is.
I commute to see her everyday. I’m always trying to make a difference with the little money I have in improving her yard, buying her flowers, and taking her to the movies. I drive over 45 minutes round trip even if its just to see her for only an hour at her work, and take her out to lunch. I take better care of her than I do myself. I put her before me always. While we only separated for a few months but we were still in love and intimate with each other, and she totally broke my heart. But my love for her is so great that I look pass it and am eager to move on.
Before I left her I could have asked her to marry me and she would have said yes. Now I can tell she isn’t ready. When in the beginning it was all she ever wanted. Now that I’m ready to make that commitment I fear that she realizes that I’m not the best choice for her and the kind of fu
I’m on the verge of losing the love of my life. I hurt the only person who ever truly understood me. I’ve found myself breaking down and crying 4-5 times a day for the last 3 months. I feel that I am good for nothing. I have nothing to show for. Nothing to be proud of. All I have around me are constant reminders of how much I have failed in life. If it wasn’t for my son and having hope that I can still work things out with my girlfriend I would’ve killed myself already.
I imagine how much better off everyone would be if I was dead. My son would be taken care of better and happy that I wasn’t there to be a dead beat loser that wasted his life accomplishing nothing. My girlfriend would finally be happy with someone that can give her everything she wants and not have to worry about me holding her back and bringing her down all the time.
future she wants. In just a few months of being separated it has completely damaged and forever changed her love for me.
She was the only person I could have imagined a future with. Never have I felt such a strong connection with someone in my entire life. All my life all I have done is let people down and fail everyone. I was never confident enough to make things better. I spent the last 10 years of my life just barely getting by because I was a coward. Now I’m almost 30 with absolutely nothing to show for but countless regrets and bitter disappointments in myself.
All I want to do is spend my free time with her on the days my son stays with his mom. I have absolutely no friends and nothing to look forward to but being with her. She has a lot of close friends that absolutely despise me for hurting her the way I did. I don’t blame them nor hold any grudge towards their feelings about me. I completely understand their feelings about me. I understand she wants time to hang out with them. But when she slept with that other guy she lied to me and told me she was at the bars with her friends that night.
I told her that she needs to start building my trust again before she can go out drinking with them. I wouldn’t care if they hang out but I don’t like the idea of her drinking. In the past every time she went out for "a few drinks" she has always proven to be unreliable. She never calls when she says she’s going to, and never comes home when she says she’s going to.
She makes it seem like I’m making her choose between her and her friends but all I’m asking is for her to be responsible and not to drink. It’s not impossible to enjoy yourself without a drinking. I don’t feel like I’m asking too much. I just want her to be reliable and show some interest in repairing my trust in her and our relationship.
Is our relationship damaged beyond repair? I feel like no matter how hard I try it is never good enough. It is so difficult because I love her with all my heart I don’t want to lose her again. But at the same time she doesn’t love me in the same way like she did.
I’m not into bars or drinking. I prefer to stay home or go out and do things that don’t require getting wasted. I am aware that I have serious self esteem issues with how I think I have accomplished nothing in life but disappointment in myself. I feel it’s too late for me to make a better life in the little time frame my girlfriend wants it. What can I do?
Thank you for reading this.
