I think way too much into detail. I worry possibly a paranoia problem. My mind is racing all the time on how to improve what I am doing. Right now as I’m typing I’m enjoying the satisfying clicks of each button. It’s soothing to hear myself tap away at the keyboard. That might mean I’m also a narcissist. I do look in the mirror a lot. I don’t know why I do. I’m not much of a sight to see. I constantly think about the lines from a song called Time by Pink Floyd. The lyrics are: Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say
Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.
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These lyrics make so much sense and I feel like this is my life. I always try to catch up with sun…or anything but it always sinks. My motivation always sinks into a pit of despair and dullness with the doldrums of life. "How do I tackle this?" I am constantly asking. I was smoking weed one day and came home fell asleep the next day I felt dizzy and completely out of it. I was reading and studying things in this state and I enjoyed it. I wasn’t high but I felt relaxed and somewhat happy. For some reason though I wrote this in my notes: "People question other peoples motives and thirst for knowledge. I question why it matters to them. Maybe their the ones who should be questioned. They need to look inside and question their own motives. Maybe the people who are put down do what they do because they need to. Maybe it’s not because they want to do the things they do, maybe it’s because they have to. What’s wrong with saying black if someone else wants white. What’s wrong with saying: ‘No I will not conform.’? I’m glad a lot of people admit their problems or know them. But that’s not enough. They still question. They need to stop. Listen, look at the world. Then they need to see after they look. Then when they see they will realize. Upon realization they will understand and once they understand… Their need for questions will subside. And when they have a question they will first ask themselves this: ‘Am I not like them? And should it matter?"
See I right really weird things. I don’t know what to do. Now I feel like I’m trying to be insane. Maybe I’m conforming by posting this on the internet. Maybe I’m pathetic because I can’t fix myself without help. But I just can’t do it. The sun is sinking and I don’t know how to catch it. Am I doing this because I have nothing better to do? Do I really have no life? Am I saying all of this to get the image I’m insane? What the hell am I doing. I don’t wanna make people less of me. I hate that. I don’t want you to judge me please don’t. I don’t want to judge you. So am I fucked up? Please help…Just help.
