I have been married 10 yrs, and have two small children. My husband and I have been having martial problems (fighting a lot) for about 8 yrs. He is a hot head, yells at me a lot, is controlling, we fight a lot, he is lazy, selfish, lacks confidence and is jealous among other things. He is also sweet, a good father, funny, and we share a lot of interests and beliefs. He is also my husband which I vowed to love through good and bad…. but how much bad do I take?
Last year I couldn’t take it any more, I was tired of being a mother to my children and also having to mother him. I was also tired of the fighting and double standards so I said we either separate or seek counseling. He freaked and we started marriage counseling.
Through that it was discovered that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. There are thoughts he can not control (like if I am cheating, or if I am out if I got in an accident, or if people are talking about him/making fun of him, etc) which leds to his lack of lack of self confidence and need for reassurance. This also can be the reason he is "lazy" because the thoughts he has are so overwhelming he can not to much of anything else. He agreed to go on medication and that has helped his bahavior some. We have also continued counseling and he is making genuine efforts to change his behavior…. however, there are somethings that have not changed (short fused temper, being bossing, being lazy, needing me to "mother" him, not being an equal partner in parenting, and the double standards), and the things that have improved (jealousy, self confidence) are great but not enough. I also feel that even though he / we have made progress that we slip back into old patterns quickly.
I know a lot of his behavior is because of his OCD – that he can not control. But I am having a hard time getting over these aspects of him and getting back in love with him. I love him as a friend and fellow parent but I do not have romantic or spouse like feelings for him and I am not physicially attracted to him anymore. How do I get those feelings back??? Can I fall back in love with him? How can I love him like I should with this disorder??? I feel horrible that I dont have these feelings for him and I think of leaving him but I dont want to break up the family and I dont want to look back 5 yrs from now and realize what a mistake I have made. I made a vow to love through the bad times but I have found that I cant, no matter how I try. I feel guilt and pain and I’m trying….
Any suggestions on how I can love him again, or do you think I should work on building a new life without him??
Serious and kind suggestions please.
Yes! My children come first! So do I take them away from a loving father? Or do I keep them in a household where there is little love and lots of fighting?? Trust me, my kids are why I am trying so hard. Thanks
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