Please read it and provide CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. It’s the prologue, in the point of view of the main antagonist bad guy, and it’s a rough draft.
Sammuel stared into the demon’s black and shining eyes. Neither said anything, simply watching each other in the dark clearing, the trees stopping the sun from touching the ground. Finally it broke the silence, its a voice deep grating rasp. “Why do you summon me, man-sorcerer?”
“I only wish to learn of your kind, demon.”
It studied him, the expression on its grotesque and twisted face unreadable.
“You will release me then?”
He nodded. “Back to the Deep.”
“Very well.”
The demon spoke, and Sammuel listened in interest, occasionally writing down something it said.
This was his secret life, his dark side. Sammuel had traveled the world in his younger days, gathering knowledge of demons, and ancient evil rituals, and Darkness. Had a fascination with the morbid, and demons certainly fell into that category. He had summoned demons, but always kept them securely trapped. He would learn from them, his knowledge and power would grow, then he would send them back to their world, The Deep. It wasn’t hurting anyone, but still Sammuel kept it a secret from his wife. If she knew, she could get into trouble if he was caught. He worked hard to keep it a secret. If the Disciples of the Light ever found out, he would be burned. A horrible death, to be certain. The Disciples were a powerful religious group that praised the Light, fanatical in their devotion. If anyone was suspected of having anything to do with the Dark, they would be executed without a second thought, whether they had proof or not.
He finished speaking with the demon and sent it back to the Deep. He stretched, muscles sore from sitting on the hard ground. He took the notes had taken inside a small cabin on the edge of the clearing. Samuel locked the door and headed back to Haven where Kathryn would be waiting for him. They had been married for near ten years, but he still loved her as much as the day they had wed. She wasn’t perfect, by any means, though.
He smiled at the thought. That woman could butcher any food she set her hands on, no matter how simple it was to cook, but she always tried her hardest. He loved her for that.
As he entered the town, however, he realized something was wrong. The narrow streets were unusually empty, with none of the usual bustle of Haven. He could hear the buzz of a crowd nearby, and followed the noise. Smoke rose up in a column into the sky, high above the crowd gathered around the chapel. A large fire was burning, a person suspended above the flames that were steadily leaping higher. A Disciple stood preaching on a small platform beside the fire. He could just hear her words, faint strains drifting to him on the summer breeze. “and she will be punished for her corruptness, burned in the fires of the Light and judged before the Revered Creator himself.” Sammuel slowly made his way forward through the crowd. The preaching Disciple motioned to another, who stood by. He added more wood to the fires, making them leap higher, licking the suspended woman’s feet. She began to scream. Sammuel’s heart clenched as he got close enough to see the one being burned. Her red hair glinted, looking like the fire that was below her. Kathryn. He summoned his magic, trying to send water to the fires, to quench the flames that were killing his beloved.
Some of the Disciple Knights rushed to him, stopping him. He killed them with his magic, not noticing the weariness that coursed through him from using so much of his power. He pushed through the crowd to get to Kathryn, to save her. She had noticed him through her pain and had begun to scream for him. “Sammuel, please save me! Please Sammuel, make them stop!”
The Disciples hurriedly added more wood to the fire, making it flare up. The flames steadily made their way up her body, her screams getting worse and worse. She had stopped yelling for him to help her, now it was just a long, drawn-out cry of pain and terror.
Sammuel knew he could not save her now, he tried to send lightning at her, to end it quickly. Anything to spare her more of this horrible torment. More of the Disciples rushed at him, overpowering him. He fought them off, still moving toward the fire. The square was filled with noise, the shouts of the Disciples, the noise of the crowd, the dying moans of the Disciples who tried to stop him, the crackle of the flames, and above it all, the harsh screams of his wife.
Time seemed to end when her screams died down, then stopped. The fire still crackled, the crowd was still in a panic, and the Disciples went on with their noise, but all he heard was silence once Kathryn stopped screaming. He lost it then, sending out a massive shockwave, killing all around him, Disciples and townsfolk alike. Suddenly the square went into a panic, the citizens of Haven all trying to get out, escape. He didn’t let them. When
When the families tried to run from the square, he sent up walls of flame to bar their way. They had let this happen, had sat and watched as his Kathryn had been tied up and burned to death for something she was innocent of. Many died that day in the square, young and old, man woman and child, fat, thin, poor, wealthy, kind and cruel alike. Sammuel did not feel a thing. Nothing mattered now except vengeance for his poor Kathryn. Sammuel left one alive, however. As all the others lie dead, he stepped up to the platform where the Head Disciple lay.
She stared at him, hatred in her eyes.
“Why did you kill her? She was innocent. She did nothing!”
“The woman had it coming. She was worshipping the Dark in secret. We heard it true, straight from the mouth of a neighbor of yours.
“Why did you not look for proof before burning an innocent woman?”
She glared at him. “I will not justify my actions to a Shadow-worshipper. Kill me and be done with it.”
He dragged her to her feet and pushed
her into the fire. He closed his eyes as she died screaming. Vengeance, but a small one. To avenge his wife, he would destroy all the Disciples. He would destroy the Light itself. This world would go to the Dark, not the Light.
He managed to quench the fires, though it took quite awhile. He got his wife’s charred body down, her beautiful red hair burned off. He retrieved a blanket from their home and wrapped her in it, then carried her to the clearing by his cabin in the woods. He dug a hole for her beside the cabin, then placed her carefully in it.
Sammuel searched in the woods until he found a suitable stone, large, white and smooth, and carried it back to her grave. He used magic to inscribe upon the headstone:
Kathryn Annalee Carneston
A beloved wife
The morning sun drifting over the ocean tide,
Seems less beautiful without you by my side,
And the warmth of a hearth fire on a chilly winter day
Seems colder without you by my side to stay
You are gone from this world, taken before your time,
I shall not rest till I recompense this crime.
And when it is done, when your killers have paid
I will join you in death, my fair red-haired maid.
He shoveled dirt over her body in the grave and placed the stone atop it. He sat by her for hours, reliving their short time together. He fell asleep, weary after all the magic he had used. It would have killed anyone else, but for years Sammuel had been harnessing Dark magic, making him more powerful than most other mages in all of
Tenere. When he woke, it was night. The moon and stars were covered by a thick layer of clouds, making it pitch black in the clearing. Sammuel pulled himself up from the ground and unlocked the cabin. He headed for the bookshelf, fingers brushing over the spines, searching for a certain book. He found it, the oldest book on his shelf, it’s black leather cover almost falling apart. The pages were super thin, the writing on them blood red. He flicked open the pages, eyes scanning each one. He stopped when he saw the words “to Breach the Barrier”. He read the ritual method and gathered up jars and a long knife with a curved blade. He walked to the middle of the clearing again, depositing the stuff on the ground. The jars clinked against each other, one filled with pitch black powder, one filled with some sticky substance that smoked slightly. Another was filled with demon blood, the thick dark red liquid sloshing as he sat it down. He took the black sand and made a large triangle with a
circle in the center. Sammuel poured the blood in strange symbols that seemed to give off an air of malice. He opened the jar of the smoking stuff and dumped it into the middle of the whole thing. After looking back at the book, he picked up the knife and laid his hand in it. Sammuel spread his fingers wide and brought the knife down, hacking off three of his fingers, leaving only his pinky and ring finger. He stepped out of the circle and began to chant, ignoring the pain and the blood running down his hands. As he chanted from the book, it seemed to get darker. The sand seemed to glow, and slowly, faint whispering sounds came into his hearing.
Just before he finished, he paused. Should he go on? This would allow demons to run rampant in this world. He looked over to Kathryn’s grave, and that strengthened his resolve. He read the last word and watched the runes he had made. The sand glowed, the whisperings continued, louder now. The smoking stuff began to radiate a light, which
grew. It flashed outward, a cold rush of wind that stunk of death and shadow that blew his black hair back. Then all the glowing and whispering stopped, and the world was still. Sammuel wrapped his bloody hand in a rag and walked to the cabin. He placed the book back on his shelf and sat at his desk.
“I have unleashed the Dark on this world. I have breached the barrier.” he said aloud to himself, his voice sounding odd and out of place, still in doubt. How could he be sure?
As if in answer to his thoughts, a demon materialized. He bowed when he saw Sammuel. His hair was stringy and lank, face twisted and grotesque, features decaying, but still recognizably human.
“Master.”
“What are you doing here?”
“You breached the barrier, now we can travel to this world freely. You must command us, Master. You have given us our freedom, we will war under your command as we come to power in Tenere.”
Sammuel thought over the demon’s words. He stood.
“Begin building an army. We will control this world under the name of Darkness. I will destroy the Light as they have destroyed me.”
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