I am holding on with a very fine thread to my last family relationship and wondering whether to hold on or let go.
We had a family conflict over sexual abuse claims five years ago. After that ties were broken with 4 siblings. A year later I returned to initiate reconciliation & 3 said no.
Had a loving chat with the one who was ready to move on from the past but as he lives os we drifted apart w/o communications for a few years. Got back in contact late last year & early this year he had a disabled child. SInce then he has been a bit cold & distant in response to my support. More recently I decided to be more direct & asked him how I could help him feel more relaxed in relationship to me.
Hell broke loose as his Pandora’s box opened. He attacked with angry blame as he feels I hurt my parents by separating from them.
I have now recovered from the razor like wounds & understand his care 4 them. Now wondering whether to reason with him or part ways. What do you suggest?
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As a child (10) my mom left my dad without any warning all in one day and moved us in with another man while My sister (6) and I were at school. As I was pretty upset when I found out I got really upset and did not want to speak to the new man. He in return slapped me in the face and told me I would not treat him that way. That is when the LONG chain of abuse started. He beat me my sister and my mom every day. He constantly told me how ugly and stupid I was. I had absolutely no self esteem. He also tried sexual abuse a lot. He exposed himself and would slap us until we looked. My mom was terrified to leave him and we were threatened not to tell anyone. It lasted for 7 years until I started dating a guy and after a month or so he witnessed my step dad hit me and said I love you and you will not return to that house. My step dad said he would let my mom sigh for us to get married if in 6 months I would divorce him and take everything he had and come back. I told my b/f his plan and he told me to just go along with it until we were married. We got married the next day. (I was 17) He (24) was 7 years older than me and seemed like my prince charming! He has saved me from such a horrible situation! I thought I was so in love! He made me feel like a real person for once! He made me feel attractive! His family was very against us! They had only met me a couple of times and did not think I was good enough for him and told me that to my face. I will never forget his grandmother telling him (in front of me) “You are jumping into a dark hole with her! She is a baby and has no idea what love is and that we would not last 6 months) We did great for several years and I found out I was preg. At 19. We were all SO excited! Even his family! It would be the first grandchild. Well long story short I miscarried at 9 ½ weeks. We already had the nursery completed. I remember feeling so alone. My husband dealt with it by working extra which left me alone. I remember crawling into the crib with a stuffed animal and squalling my eyes out every day for quite sometime. No one was there for me. Then I found out my husband had an addiction to porn. It was my ultimate goal to get pregnant again! I wanted someone to love me ultimately! Finally a year later it happened! Again… we were thrilled! Found out it was a girl and life was great! Then as she turned a couple of months old. my husband dove into porn and wanted NOTHING to do with me! I was 23 and 110lbs. I have always had a high drive and he went a year and had not as much as kissed me. I was offered a job as a waitress in the evenings and thought this would give me a nest egg so one day My daughter and I could leave and I did not want to take ANYTHING from him but she and I. I started work (at 23)and got tons of attention which shocked me. ME??? ATTENTION??? WOW!!!!!! I finally met this AMAZING guy! He seemed to have it all!!!! I had already been saving to leave my husband when I started falling for this amazing man(33). After a couple of months I let him meet my daughter. She loved him! He offered to help me get out so that’s what I did. He explained to me that he loved kids and he and his ex-wife had tried everything to have their own and they informed him he had a low sperm count so he did not think he could have kids. I LOVE all kids SO much but told him that we have my little girl and I was ok if we did not have any together. Life could not get any better at this time. Then out of nowhere after 3 months of dating BOOM.. I am PREGGERS!!!!!!! I was SO upset at first. IT WAS WAY too soon! He was THRILLED which excited me. We got married at 5 months. Then shortly after I started having heart problems and salt/pressure problems and by the 6th month I was passing out neumorous times a day. I was frustrated and exhausted. I had a 1 ½ year old and now this awful draining pregnancy which took me away from my daughter and NEW husband. I just remember being SO stressed out and tired. The dr’s hospitalized me for precaution at 6 ½ months and said they wanted to induce as soon as tests showed he was ready. At 34 ½ weeks (and a 3 week hospital stay) they induced. Right after birth his lung collapsed and he was flown on a jet in pretty bad condition to a hospital almost 5 hours away. They would not let either of us fly with him so we had to drive. That was the longest trip ever. The dr had already given me pills for stress and depression as I was leaving the hospital. I got there and thought he was dead when we walked into the unit. He was covered completely with a blue sheet with blood splatters on it. I LOST IT!!!!! I could not even speak LITERALLY. I tried and nothing would come out. They informed me that he was ok and that they had inserted a pik line in his navel for blood and tests. We were so far from home, alone, I am still hurting from the delivery and there was no place to sit, we have almost no money and no place to stay. I was a mental wreck! That whole experience was awful and
and he was in that hospital for over 2 weeks with a rollercoaster ride every day of the docs telling us he is doing much better then them saying he is much worse. Finally he was better and we were released. His daddy was so excited! I was exhausted and had not seen my daughter in several weeks(she had stayed with her grandparents) so I guess when we got home I sort of let daddy take control of new baby and I could FINALLY rest. Well… That was a mistake. Daddy bonded with him so when Daddy went back to work a couple of weeks later, I had a 2 ½ old who had missed me and a newborn that did NOTHING but scream all day everyday! I was going crazy again! I remember days that my husband would walk in the door and I was crying as loud as the baby with a bag packed for me to leave as soon as my husband arrived saying I could not take it anymore. This went on for a while which made me resent the baby in some way because AGAIN I felt abandoned and alone. I started thinking something was wrong and
took him to the dr neumorous times in which the dr said he is just fussy. That made me so angry. Then he stayed constipated and had colic and finally we wound out he had massive ear infections. It was one problem after another. He got tubes at 2 and things were a little better. He still always wanted Daddy and not me. I in return started saying hateful things to my husband about the baby to try and get his attention. I know now what a bad idea that was but I honestly in some way felt like the baby had been put here to torture me from pregnancy till now. I called the baby HORRIBLE names. As our son gets older the emotions and resentment get worse. Our son is now 5 and been diagnosed with SEVERE adhd. He is taking 40mg of vyvanse and no one would ever know he is medicated if we did not tell them. He is still bouncing off the walls at times. He has NO respect for adults OTHER THAN his daddy and his grandmother (dads mother) His dad says it is my fault and that I have hated him from day
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