I am a step mom (or soon to be) of a wonderful 2 and a half year old little girl. My boyfriend and I have been together now for a year and a half. My boyfriend and his ex wife separated when the baby was only a few months old, (no I was not the reason) at that time the ex wife took advantage of the fact that he felt guilt for the marriage failing and that he didn’t know that he could’ve stopped her and she moved out of state back to her hometown, half way across the country. This will be a second marriage for both of us, we’ve known each other since we were kids… at any rate, his ex wife kept their daughter in her homestate and wouldn’t allow visitation to him or his family unless they flew out to see her, which he did several times. When he and I first started dating I didn’t know the specifics of their divorce or their previous agreements so I kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it. He flew out there every 6 weeks to spend anywhere from 5-7 days with her, which ended up being only two days at a time. His ex would let him keep their dauhter for more than two days and then would make him bring her back to her and then he could keep her for another two days before he left… which to me is BS since your making him go all that way and he isnt getting to spend the quality time with her that he was looking to or that she told him he could, but again I kept my mouth shut.
Now over the past year I have given him some advice. I got him to speak up to her and request that she or he be allowed to bring their daughter back here for visitation for him and his family, mind you the family and her (the ex) don’t get along at all, so his parents didn’t see their only grandchild for almost a year, which really bothers me, coming from a tight knit family. I told him I thought he should seek out custody arrangements with an attorney to have the courts appoint visitation so that he is guaranteed to get his time with her, which he has done, we are still waiting on the courts though. Meanwhile, since he has pursued an attorney the ex wife is allowing their daughter to come and stay with us for a few weeks every few months, which is great!
My dilema is that his ex wife doesn’t see me as anything but just a girlfriend. Yes if you want to be technical I am… BUT at the same time, I am going to be marrying her ex and be their daughters step mom, so I will be a major part of their daughters life. I know I don’t have the right to make life decisions on their daughters behalf, But I am the one who she spends a lot of time (which I am grateful for) with if he gets stuck working when she is here, he works shifts and he cant always get the time off he requests (since he is low man at his job and my job is very flexible with time off I take as much time as we need for her). How do I get his ex-wife to start including me in travel plans and such? Or even recognizing that I am here to stay and I am not going anywhere so she has to deal with me as well! When their daughter is here, we follow ALL of the same rules her mother has for her at her house, bed times, nap times, snack times, dinner times etc., even down to the time outs if she misbehaves (as much as we hate to) we want this transition from our house to hers to be as easy as possible and want her to know that different houses doesn’t mean there are different rules! I also want her to know about the things I try to do or have done with her when she is here, so that she doesn’t feel like an outsider. Is there I way that I can try to develop some type of relationship with my future husbands ex, that is healthy and open as opposed to it being a resentful and painstaking relationship?
Sorry this is a little long winded, I am trying to give you all a background on the relationship as it is now… feel free to ask questions
Thank you for your responses… and any additional info you can offer me is extremely helpful also!
Lovin_Life… I do not think you are too young at all, in fact I think it is great that you responded because it opens my eyes to the other side, the kid side and I love that! As adults we sometimes lose sight of how the child feels and that isnt right. We need to include them every step of the way, which is what I try to do with her when she is here, even though she is so young, I think when she gets older she will appreciate that more!
THANK YOU
and to Domi E thank you for your honesty, I held my breathe posting this b/c I was prepared for someone to bash me telling me I need to know my roll and back out of the childs life or something similar, since I read other Step Parenting questions prior to posting this one.
Thank you!
We have been on and off for nearly 3 yrs. Off bc I’m "basically his first gf and he hasn’t met/dated many women." We both are entering our late 20′s. We have broken up twice over the 3 yrs. We both still have feelings for one another but I know he’s not ready for a relationship/marriage, and I am, or atleast he wasn’t. Lately he’s been talking like we’re a family & doesn’t want us to have 2 separate homes & shuffle baby back/forth. Or to see me with some other guy & vise/versa, and doesn’t want baby to have a step-dad or step-mom. How does that work if he doesn’t want us to be together? He was on my computerthe other day, and when I went to use it he left open his yahoo! answers account with all these questions he’d asked about getting back together with me. I swear I did not go looking for it, all of them were already on my screen! It took me a moment to even realize what I was looking at. Point is, he’s asked over and over again whether he should get back together with me, and even before I was pregnant. He asked about marriage, like can you know it’s the right one with out much experience. Lately he’s been wanting to do all these things with me, like family functions, holidays, trading xmas gifts with my parents, and special outtings. I told him recently I don’t want to get back together bc we want 2 different things, and are too different. Meaning I want to settle down and have romance. He said we weren’t too different and were on the same page and that family vacations together sounds really nice. I also said I wanted him to be something he’s not and that’s not fair. I want a guy who’s not affraid to settle down, and have a family etc. Point is since then, I’ve noticed him changing, and now doing those things I had said I wanted. All of a sudden he really cares what my dad thinks of him and wants his approval. I don’t get what’s going on, he’s acting really strange. Finally, he asked me if I wanted to take a road trip with him to this far away place and go cliff jumping…after baby is born. .he had the month and everything. Why would he ask that? What is going on??
Just for the record I want a family unit, and don’t get me wrong if he really did want to get back together I would.
(No lectures please)
fyi.. we did use protection responsibly, just it failed us 8 months ago. So please no lectures
I need help with my ex wife in respect to being able to have her raise my 16-year old daughter properly when she has her. She has primary custody of her but is not sticking to the custody agreement so I can try to continue to be a parent to my daughter. What are the rules in life and society? How do you get through to a woman that is so disconnected from reality that it seems that she is ruining our daughter’s chances at succeeding in life to keep her under her thumb. She does not believe that it is necessary to go to school every day and has allowed our daughter to miss so much school that our daughter is now in special ed and in continuation school because she is so behind. She has to pay fines to SARB and the DA and has CPS down her throat and they tell her to take parenting classes and therapy and she says she does not need it. She truly has mental issues. She lets her stay up all night on the internet and has even flown a boy that our daughter met online at 14 from the east coast to stay with them for a week when she turned 15! What mother does that??She buys everyone with money including her kids, and lets her get away with everything and tells her lies about me. She does not discipline her at all or set boundaries. She wants to be the "cool" mom with her and even my 19-year old daughter from another marriage (she is the step-mom). She lets my 19-year old drink even though she is underage and lets her boyfriend stay there with her. I am very against that, but she does it to be the popular mom and make me look like I am too controlling. My ex has gotten a DUI herself, is addicted to vicodin, and has done such a horrible job of raising her son from a previous marriage that at 24 he still lives at home, has gotten a second DUI and he does not know how to be responsible and independent. I want what is best for my kids, not be their friend. I cannot take her to court, I don’t have the money plus my daughter is going to be 17 this year. My ex keeps telling me and our daughter that now that she is going to be 17, she has a choice if she wants to come see me (and she even tells her she is old enough to drop out of school!) Any suggestions on what I can do?
I dated my ex girlfriend from Feb 07 to May 08, but the reason we broke up is because her dad told her that we were done, because her step mom didn’t like me and snooped through her phone and tried to find reasons for us to break up. Her dad originally planned for us to ‘break up’ for a month, but her step mom thought I got too many chances.
Well, come to find out yesterday, her dad approved that we could be friends, although her step mom pitched a fit over it. Her real mom still cares for me and asks how I’m doing often.
I’m going home from college this weekend to be with my family and my ex told me that she’s going to a dance and the guy she would have gone with backed out at the last second. I told her, being nice, that if she didn’t find a date, that I would take her.
I’ve still got feelings for her as she has feelings for me. My family doesn’t like her parents cause they put me through hell the last two months of when we dated. My mom and brother don’t think its a good idea that I’m talking to her, let alone going to be hanging out with her.
As stated before, I have major feelings for her and I’m going to be seeing her this weekend. It seems like that her family wants to give me another chance, cause her dad and mom feel like I’m a good kid. I don’t want to get hurt again, but I want to patch things up with her step mom. I really love her to death cause she was a great girlfriend, but I really dont want to get hurt again..
So should I go back to dating her, or should I wait a while and see how things go?
We have been on and off for nearly 3 yrs. Off bc I’m "basically his first gf and he hasn’t met/dated many women." We both are entering our late 20′s. We have broken up twice over the 3 yrs. We both still have feelings for one another but I know he’s not ready for a relationship/marriage, and I am, or atleast he wasn’t. Lately he’s been talking like we’re a family & doesn’t want us to have 2 separate homes & shuffle baby back/forth. Or to see me with some other guy & vise/versa, and doesn’t want baby to have a step-dad or step-mom. How does that work if he doesn’t want us to be together? He was on my computerthe other day, and when I went to use it he left open his yahoo! answers account with all these questions he’d asked about getting back together with me. I swear I did not go looking for it, all of them were already on my screen! It took me a moment to even realize what I was looking at. Point is, he’s asked over and over again whether he should get back together with me, and even before I was pregnant. He asked about marriage, like can you know it’s the right one with out much experience. Lately he’s been wanting to do all these things with me, like family functions, holidays, trading xmas gifts with my parents, and special outtings. I told him recently I don’t want to get back together bc we want 2 different things, and are too different. Meaning I want to settle down and have romance. He said we weren’t too different and were on the same page and that family vacations together sounds really nice. I also said I wanted him to be something he’s not and that’s not fair. I want a guy who’s not affraid to settle down, and have a family etc. Point is since then, I’ve noticed him changing, and now doing those things I had said I wanted. All of a sudden he really cares what my dad thinks of him and wants his approval. I don’t get what’s going on, he’s acting really strange. Finally, he asked me if I wanted to take a road trip with him to this far away place and go cliff jumping…after baby is born. .he had the month and everything. Why would he ask that? What is going on??
Just for the record I want a family unit, and if he really did want to get back together I would.
