Here we go… the basics about me: I’m 22, My parents were divorced when I was 10 (my moms fault, my dad wasn’t enough for her, she wanted more excitement in her life) and my mom married a white trash, violent abusive drug addict. I lived with them for 4 years where I watched him physically abuse my mom, verbally and emotionally abuse her and listened to him rape her. (IE, listen to her screaming no and crying and him telling her that she had no choice.) I was afraid to leave her and my new little brothers (they sometimes disappeared for a couple days at a time and I was worried about my family.) I’ve been diagnosed bipolar (unmedicated now because the meds just made it worse), anxiety issues, have had suicidal issues and extremely low self esteem.
Let me say up front that I KNOW that none of that excuses what I have done and the pain that I’m about to cause others. I just wanted to give some background… I’m not looking to excuse myself, I just want the full picture here. So, please if you feel the need get it out of the way to tell me what you think of me, I’m completely positive you couldn’t think worse of me than I think of myself.
I liked a guy at work and when I found out he was married I was disappointed, as I thought he was attractive and funny. He is older, he is 41. I started hanging out with him and a few of his friends (we work night shift and we would go out of a few beers in the morning) and eventually it led to him and I getting together. That was 8 months ago and since then we have spent some of nearly every day together and I love him. And he loves me. I never meant to end up in a situation like this, and I admit I didn’t truly understand the extent of what I was doing.
He says he never thought he would feel like this again, and that even if he wanted to he doesn’t think it would be possible for him to stop seeing me. He has 2 grown kids, 20 and 18. I have no idea how he spends so much time with me and to be honest I never wanted to know.
He is starting to talk now about how somebody is going to get hurt no matter what, that either I will get hurt or (he trails off here, he has never once mentioned his wife) and that no matter what he is going to end up hurt. I started to realize, however, the true extent of what would happen. If he leaves her… He already has kids and doesn’t want more, someday I will. Even if he truly left her I’m not ready to commit forever and I’d feel like I had to because he gave up everything for me.
This is going to sound stupid but he is very controlling and possessive, which I don’t mind when we are together but I don’t want to spend my entire life being told what I can and can’t do, and I want to travel and do what I feel like doing. … I’m not ready to settle down. This should make it seem like the easiest situation possible to work out but I love him. I feel sick at the thought of never seeing him again, when he holds me I feel like I’ve never felt before.
I know people will say he is a daddy figure – but I’m not actually lacking that because I have a very good relationship with my father (who I moved in with when my house with my mom got to much). I have never been able to spend more than a day or two with someone without getting irritated with him and I have spent a weekend with him and I wanted more. I don’t want to be selfish but I can’t stop because I want him, I want to spend my life with him…
Without him… I have moved on so much in my life since he has been helping me, I’ve been terrified to enter the world because I was so afraid that people everywhere would hurt me. He helped me get my place, helps me stand up for myself. He has helped me to get the promotion at work that I was scared to do. I think of life without him and I start to have suicidal thoughts.
I hate myself for what I’m doing, for the people I’m hurting and for not being able to end it. I hate to think of my life without him. I realize the mess I’ve made of everything, and I can’t stop thinking the only thing to do is end it with him so he can salvage his family and kill myself to stop everything from hurting.
