*loner

*i do the same thing everyday with a slight variation (these variations i purposefully do to throw "people" off who might be watching me)

*when standing at the bus stop, i tend to turn away when cars pass by, trying to avoid eye contact with drivers and passengers… i hate when the light turns red and the cars pile up near me by the curb… i scratch my eyes, try to look away naturally, look at my feet, do anything but look at all the drivers and passengers who I think are all looking at me until the light turns green and they go away

*(this one is odd) while on the bus or at school (the only time i’m out in the world), if some good-looking girl or a girl my age approaches me or is near my vicinity, seating behind me or across the room, i begin to flirt on my own (i hate when this happens because i look like a freak and i don’t even know the people, it even happens with my professors)

*i have a mild stuttering problem (probably the reason i try to avoid social situations)

*when i walk i don’t know what to do with my arms, i try to swing them like "normal" people but i know i look like a fake when doing it

*i’ve grown accustomed to wearing my backup when out in the world, when i take it off i feel naked and unnatural… i see my backpack as something that hides my hunched back, i think i have a hunched back (maybe only when around people) and as something that shows people i have purpose when walking to and from school

*when near people i cant help but imagine what everyone around is thinking, i play in my head all the possible social situations i might get into and how i might have to act… even when in the classroom i get into the habbit of doing some odd rituals to appear normal: i take out my cell phone and pretend im looking at text messages but the only numbers i have is to my home, mom’s, dad’s, and borther’s cell, i stretch, get up to go to the bathroom when i don’t need to… things like this

Some questions you might ask:

What do you do when you’re not out in the real world?
A: I stay in my room on the computer, reading news articles, forums. messing around in photoshop, playing with excel, astronomy software, downloading music (i like classical and ambient music), google earth, sketchup etc.. when not on the computer i have my celviano (i taught myself hot to play it but my fingering is horrible… something I’m gradually getting better at), there’s my superficial book collection, a mix of scifi books and books i needed to read for school (small collection), i have my treadmill in the garage i use a lot while listening to music, i play with my 2 dogs

Family life?
A: My family sees me as a quiet "individual". I’m 20 and still live with my parents. I just started learning how to drive, but what I hate thinking about it what will I do with my driving ability after I get my licence? go to school and back, small errands like going to the barber? My parents are odd. My dad is fat and my mom doesn’t do anything as far as hobbies (she is on antidepressants). I lover her but I also see her as a robot (dare I say slave?) but I hate thinking about that. It makes me sick. I try to be conservative at home in everything I do from taking showers, using paper plates, etc.. I don’t want to be a hassle. 3rd year of community college (I might have to stay a 4th year). Why am I taking so long to transfer? Because at first I did not have a major and took a bunch of classes I was not interested in (i failed in some from not wanting to go to class), but then I discovered I was good at math in my third retry or college algebra and now I’m taking Calculus 2 and doing well in my science classes (hopefully my GPA will rise from a 2.5 after finally waking up from my academic stupor) ex radicals use to confuse me and give me trouble, but now I know the derivative of coth-1(x), so i’ve made some progress

What are you not telling us?
A: Well… I don’t think I have a porn addiction, but I do sometimes look at porn and masturbate (who doesn’t?).. what else? I don’t know at this moment

more details about me:
Age: 20
Sex: male
Ethnicity: hispanic
Country: united states
Height: 5′ 11”

What do you see yourself as?
Well, I have read the symptoms of aspergers and know that 99% of people who read about the symptoms diagnose themselves with aspergers, so i know labeling myself that is non sense, but it does make a nice excuse for the way i am… there is also the russel crow movie "a beautiful mind"… i see myself as that but i am no genius

Please help!
I just wish I could be like other people in social situations, carefree and natural at what they do, being in a conversation without thinking and worrying about what to say. I feel like I have this open buzzing space in my head that unconsciously tries to play out everything, and if I were to extract it somehow I could act like everyone else I see and finally be normal.


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