How do you save your marriage after your spouse lies?
My husband is in the Marines and stationed over in Japan until April. He just went back in August from leave. Everything was going great and then out of the blue, he started asking me if there was anything I wanted to tell him. I have been completely faithful throughout our four year realtionship but he has cheated three times and constantly lied. We split up for two years and he joined the Marines. We got back together and got married. I never stoped loving him. Well so about a week ago he gets mad about a comment I left on myspace to a friend of mine and it was nothing. He even talked to the friend. (when he left back to duty, he made me move into his dads house, which I only did for my hysbands peace of mind) I do not go out very often and when I do it is with a group of friends. He just would not let the comment I left go. So it got me to thinking. I checked his myspace and low and behold he was feeding his mother a bunch of lies about me. Like I was a bad wife, and only hung out with guys and I didn’t give a damn about him and so on. (He did this in the past but we are married now) I asked him if he said anything bad about me to his mom. I asked him three times and he denined it everytime. Finaly I showed him the IM conversation with his mom (which she told him that he was in the right and he should teach me a lesson, what mother says that?) Anyway, I love him and I want forever with him and says he is going to therophy i am just not sure if I should stick it out. Can we save our marriage? I want both guys and girls to tell me what you think..Please Help
I am also pregnant with his child.
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Tagged with: bunch of lies • girls • japan • marines • marriage • mom • myspace • out of the blue • peace of mind • realtionship • three times
Filed under: How To Save A Marriage
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if he’s willing to try therapy go along with it and see where it gets you before making any rash decisions
Honey, firstly, cheating once is perhaps forgivable if he makes enough effort to change, but three times? he has a pattern of cheating. secondly, he seems controlling also by asking you to stay at his dad’s place. thirdly, he has no respect for you by bad mouthing you with his mom….and his mum is a wacko just like him by saying that he should teach you a lesson, i think they both are idiots…i know we all are just a bunch of strangers but any right minded person will tell you that you are climbing an uphill battle, if there’s no kids just leave, its not worth it. hes no good.
You should get away there isnt anything there worth saving. I am sorry to say that but its true
Please leave this guy before you get children involved then realize you need to leave him. Just leave him now. He’s a worthless scum bag momma’s boy!
Your in a bad position, on the one hand the Marines are gonna tell him he didn’t get issued a ‘wife’ along with the rest of his gear, on the other he wanted you in his life, maybe because of the extra money he gets for his dependents, on the other hand he wants to be able to party on his own, so he has created a different life, he wants you, but is afraid your gonna find someone else, you gonna have to face the fact he is being two faced, so either both of you get help, or let him go. Sounds like your between a rock and a hard place, am amazed your staying in the same house where his mom lives and able to get along with her, you need your own space, what is he doing with the BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) he is getting for you to live while he is gone? You even have a ID card showing your a dependent? Your entitled to one if you don’t, get in touch with the local Marine recruiter and get one issued to you.
Him being gone is not helping your marriage and it really sounds like he is not into being married to you, regardless of the fact he married you.
That is a hard one. I can tell you from 21 years of marriage that you have to decide early on if you want this to work or not, and you have to decide how much you are willing to take, or how much you should before giving up. I have endured my husband cheating on me several times, even fathering another child. I have endured so many lies that I can’t count them all. But! He also promised me back in 1996 that he would never cheat on me again and I know he hasn’t. As for his lying, well, I have learned to deal with them. I married him knowing he had a lying problem. Why should I then divorce him because he still does it? If his lies hurt me or someone else, then that would be a different thing. We both have our faults. I have to be in control. He lets me. He does all the household chores, cooks, cleans, shops, etc. because I can’t because of my back. He deals with my agoraphobia, which makes it hard for us to go anywhere together. It’s all about give and take. It has to be fair. Do you have faults? How much does his problems affect you, hurt you? Personally, I think it is terrible that he talks badly about you to his mother. If he isn’t willing to apologize and confront her with the truth, then I don’t know if there is any hope for him. My husband and I have always been able to communicate real well with eachother when we have problems, especially over the last ten years, and that is very important.
You must have:
Respect
Trust
Honesty
Communication
Good luck to you & your husband
Living at dad’s house was a way to make sure of your faithfulness. So was telling that stuff to his mother. When he turned her against you, he guaranteed that she would watch you. I’m an older guy, and I could be wrong, but I’ve seen such behavior many times before in friends and acquaintances. In those cases, the person doing the spying was the one being unfaithful. But if he has always been this way it might be some minor psychological disorder. But you can’t change what you don’t own. If he doesn’t admit doing anything that you’ve got the evidence for, there is nithing for him to talk with you about. Nothing for him to work on in himself. If nothing is done – nothing will change. You are obviously an intelligent woman. You can see ways to "help" him, but you can’t DO it for him.
He’s still cheating and he is controlling you. I can’t believe you went and got pregnant by him considering the history or your "relationship". I feel sorry for the baby.
If the therapy will help, go for it, n stick it out. But he sounds like a habitual liar…n he has trust issues, n guilt issues. If he made u out to be the bad guy n has ppl on his side, then he doesnt have to feel guilty about what he’s doing. Oh, my ex MIL would tell her son he had the right to beat me until I behaved…so believe this, any mother will side with her child before siding with who’s right. It’s maternal instinct. Few mom’s will think of who’s right or wrong before defending their kid tooth n nail. My ex told my family a bunch of lies about me, his mom defended all his lies, even made some up of her own against me. Then after the tyraid was over, she goes over to my mom…n says "dont hold a grudge; I’m a mother."
Her son probably never lied to her about these kinds of things before; so she’ll believe him…no matter what u say. Only if she loves u, n u prove urself will she back u up…otherwise…blood is thicker than water. I wish u never married him knowing he’s a liar, n a manipulator. I dont know if u can save ur marriage, because habits are hard to break…n I dont know if he wants to break the habit, I think he just wants u to accept things the way they are, n feel bad about urself so u’ll stay with him. My ex would also tell me he had a girl on the side, his whole family just laughed it off. His sis even said her man would joke with her like that…she’d say her man would even say he had a kid with his mistress. They’d all say it was a trust exercise.
Good luck in therapy.