What Am I going To Do When My Husband’s Ex Wife Is Trying To Get Him Back?

His Ex Wife Wants Him BackMe and my husband has been married for 5 years now and we’re trying to have our first child.

My husband has an 8 year old son with his first marriage.

They got divorced in 2002 and both of them are now married and have their own family.

My husband’s ex-wife have 3 children from her current husband and lately, she’s been telling my husband that she’s not happy with her marriage.

My husband has been telling me about the calls that his ex-wife made talking to him about considering of getting back together and how to work things out with the kids.

We have my husband’s son every weekend and she would send box of cookies to us through the kid and lately telling my husband that it is best for the kid to hang out with just the two of them (parents) to make him feel that he have his mom and dad and that they spend alone time with him.

I was okay with the dinner because it’s not every weekend that they will do this and I told my husband this is not gonna be a weekend thing and my husband agreed.

Yesterday, my husband told me that his ex-wife called him again and talked about the chances of them getting back together again, and that she will move back to where my husband want to live and my husband said she sounds like she’s planning.

My husband told me that he told his ex-wife it’s never gonna happen. I trust my husband and I know he loves me but I just don’t like what his ex-wife is doing right now.

I don’t know if I have to do something or just leave it to my husband.

Please, need some valuable ideas.

Thank you.

my husband's ex wife wants him back

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36 thoughts on “What Am I going To Do When My Husband’s Ex Wife Is Trying To Get Him Back?

  1. M S says:

    You need to have a very serious heart to heart with your husband. If he wants her–go. If he wants you, he needs to put a stop to her calls–make them information only. He needs to sit down with his son, and tell him that he loves him, and will always be his Dad. And his Mom loves him and will always be his Mom. But they are no longer husband and wife, and they don’t and won’t live together any more. Then no more dinners with just the 3 of them and not you. It has to be a foursome, or forget it. Maybe she made a mistake letting him go, but they have both moved on, and she just needs to deal with the hand she’s holding instead of wishing things could go back like they were. There is a reason they got divorced. Make it clear to your husband that he can’t make
    both of you happy, he has to choose. Hold the line now, or you will have this situation lingering for years.

  2. meanno says:

    You have to trust your husband. And him telling you about all of this, it truly sounds like he wants to stay with you. Remember, they got divorced for a reason, why would he want to go back to that? He really needs to tell her to stop and to be more respectful to you.

  3. Tanya H says:

    Doesn’t sound like you have too much to worry about to me. He divorced his wife, he married you. You’ve been relatively happy for 5 years. He relays conversations he has with the ex to you so he has nothing to hide. She can want him back all she likes, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Just stand your ground and trust your husband, he sounds like he’s got it covered.

  4. ash says:

    that all depends on how your husband feels about you. it sounds like she will ever be happy with just being friends. so he can see his kid but he doesnt need to see her and if he cant give her up as even friends then he must not care as much as you think. there is no way to try to stop her. but atleast he is being honest and not trying to hide that she is planning to take him away from you. sounds like he is trustworthy but you have to go with you head and you heart becuase you prob. know him more than any of us.

  5. Anna says:

    Your husband is very honest in telling you what’s happening & has told her point blank, they are over. Both great signs.
    Tell him how this makes you feel, he has a right to know.
    The ex-wife has a lot of nerve.

  6. Me says:

    I think your husband is doing the right thing by telling you all about her calls and by telling her it’s not going to happen. If she continues then you could suggest to your husband that he tells her to limit her conversations to things that directly affect their son and nothing more. Whatever you do don’t let her behaviour cause any friction between you and your husband. It sounds like you and your husband have very good communication and trust. Good luck to you both.

  7. Robert says:

    punch that girl in the face. and tell her to back off. and if that don’t work then you can get a restraining order on her to where she cant call the house or go near you guys. if she was dumb enough to let him go in the first place, then she has no right to try and take him back/or away from you.

  8. Kayleigh says:

    You just have to trust him on this one and remember that exs are exs for a reason. Right now you need to let him handle it – however, please make sure she isn’t planting her wild fantasies in your stepson’s head – that could be some serious trouble.

  9. Angelica Di'Abolique says:

    Its great that he has been so open with you. So really you have no concerns. But she is irritating I can tell! The idea of your husband and her showing that they get along is also a great idea, but this should be an all family thing. So if it is to happen the outing should be day time, and include you and your husband as well as her and the child. That is showing a real unified front. Plus could make his son feel very secure. However, this is not mandatory. People do get divorced and kids do recover with proper family support from the new partners either side. Ideally though, all should get along as much as possible for the kids sake. He is over her, so see it for what it is, a desperate bid for the past which is in the past and be the mature one and suggest other ways of helping his son feel secure.

  10. jsmlstmch2 says:

    My thoughts are that your best course of action is to keep doing what you are doing – talking to your husband and let him deal with it.

    The only viable strategy this other woman has is to cause a rift between you and your husband. She will attempt to do this through jealousy. Now, you have to be careful here. Your husband knows this woman a lot better than you do – so he will best be able to "see through" her actions. You need to truly trust your husband here, and let him deal with it. Ask him to keep you informed of events as they transpire … but do not badger him nor ask him about it! His ex-wife will be putting him under stress, and if you begin to question him and keep tabs on him/them – then you will be putting him under stress as well. Too much stress = a bad thing.

    Prepare yourself though – my thoughts are that your husband will openly tell you about a lot of what his ex-wife is doing. But something will slip his mind, for purely innocent reasons. He might omit something in order to avoid a "discussion" with you. For example, if I was in his situation, and my ex asked for a coffee date to "talk" things though – i would agree, but I would debate as to whether to tell you or not, just to avoid having an argument with you about it.. No, if you discover it, and realize that he never told you about it, then you will get jealous, and suspicious – then – the snowball begins. To avoid that – you have to have utter faith in your husband to make good decisions regarding his ex-wife.

    Let him deal with it – just ask him to keep you informed. maybe once every other week – you can innocently inquire – but otherwise …. have faith in your marriage!!!!

  11. Rachel says:

    I feel for you…I go through this all the time with my husbands ex! She is nasty and will do anything to win him back! She will lie and set things up to make me think somethings up. She tells me they talk on the phone all the time but what she doesn’t know is that my husband tells and shows me everything she does so i already know. She will even send him naked pics! You just have to trust him! If he wants to go back to her then he will and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It sounds like to me he don’t but I also don’t think he should be going to dinner with her. That has to stop and he should understand why. He also needs to put his foot down and tell her not to call him about her marriage issues period because getting back together is not an option…even if he has to hang up on her. Maybe you should give her a call? He is your husband and let her know that you know everything. She probably doesn’t think that he tells you. if she knows that he tells you everything then maybe she will realize that he won’t leave. Good luck!

  12. seriously says:

    Apparently you moved on and she did not, so you should make it very plain and clear to her that you are very happy with your new life and wife, and at no point in time will you ever make her request possible.

  13. G. says:

    well, it’s good that he’s telling you about these calls, but personally i think it’s suspect that she’s been planning all this out and he’s saying that he told her it was never gonna happen?? if he really did say this at the beginning, would she still be talking all this talk?
    maybe he’s been feeding her ideas as well… i would be wary.
    men think about their options… trust me.

  14. CatNip says:

    First, I would stop trying to have a kid until you get this situation cleared up. It sounds like the ex is going to make things messier for both of you. I wouldn’t have married him in the first place ( too much baggage), but you did, so now you have to deal with the realities of the situation.

    The ex sounds like a psycho, who isn’t quite in touch with reality. She is going to be nothing but trouble for both you and your husband.

  15. MZ. RO says:

    Ask your husband if it’s alright if you have a conversation with her. That way you’ve said your peace and she is clear of what your position is. Once you’ve spoken with her you will take your hands completely out of it and let him handle it. If he’s uncomfortable about it, assure him you won’t mention the fact that he has told you what her plans or wishes to be with him are. Let him know you will keep it classy and tasteful. I would phone her, or if she drops/picks up her son i would speak with her face to face. With a smile on your face let her know that you’re his wife now, and you understand that they have a child together and you respect that relationship, and you love the child and want the best for him as well as your husband. Let her know he’s a good man, and what they had is now passed. He has moved on, and your sorry to hear that her marriage is in trouble, but you fully intend on keeping yours out of trouble. Tell her you would appreciate her participation in assisting you with that endeavor, however should she decide not to, and crosses the line with YOUR husband there may be issues, and you don’t want that, and would hope she didn’t either. Tell her if she ever needs to speak with you about something feel free to do so. Then smile bigger, and say have a great day!

  16. LIPPIE says:

    Just leave this to your husband. Encourge him to talk to you and ask him if there is anything that he would like you to do, or would he rather you leave him to handle it. This is when you have to trust him that he will do the right thing. The next time she wants to have dinner with just him and the child, politely tell him that since you are a family now that that would not be good any more. I would suggest that if she wants to teach her child something, that the whole family come to dinner, Her, her husband all of her kids, you and your husband and let the child learn that he has an extended family now and that is how it will be from now on.

  17. Betty M says:

    It’s great that your husband is so honest with you, but he’s not doing enough to solve this problem. These private get togethers with just him and her and their child has to stop. He’s trying to be nice to her, and by doing so, she’s getting the wrong impression and this is giving her hope that she can win your husband back.

    He also has to put a stop to all these personal phone calls with his ex. Their phone calls should consist of nothing more then talking about his child. Such as visiting the child, the child’s health, and how he’s doing in school. There is no him and his ex-wife. He has his own life and she needs to quit dumping her personal problems on him. I’m sure his ex-wife wanting him back is a real ego trip for him. But your husband enjoying all this attention is causing some real problems for you and your marriage.

    I would tell him that this has gone too far and it’s getting out of hand and he needs to put an immediate stop to all of this. If he can’t or won’t do it then tell him maybe it’s time for you to stop sitting back and waiting for him the end this problem and it’s time you had a talk with his ex-wife. Maybe you need to set her straight and if she doesn’t back off and leave your husband alone. Then maybe you should tell her, that your husband tells you everything she says and since she is leaving her own husband in the dark about her trying to get back with your husband, then maybe you should have a talk with her husband, so he can join the rest of you on this problem she is creating.

  18. bandaid_46 says:

    The fact that your husband is keeping you in the loop, and has told his ex-wife that their getting back together is never going to happen is good. So far, it sounds like he is handling things well without any help from you. I suggest that now is the time to be his best friend and lover, his soft place to fall, his sunshine and rainbows. Let him know how brilliant he is to be handling everything so well. It is also okay to tell him that her pursuit of him bothers you, and that you are counting on him to keep things under control. I hope that his ex- gets the picture that you are a happy family and backs off soon. Good luck.

    Oh, I just want to add that there is NO reason that his ex needs to be included in dinners with the boy. And it wouldn’t hurt to let her know that moving to where your husband wants to live isn’t going to help her "cause" of winning him back.

  19. Juicy says:

    a part of me wonders if your husband is getting a kick out of this. i say this because things really should not have got to this point. i have a child with my ex, who lives with someone else, and at no point do it think it is appropriate to go out alone with him (i never, ever call him for anything, he does not have my cell phone etc….we strictly talk about the child). now if there is a birthday or some other type of celebration, then he may be invited (…maybe, because he is free to have his own celebration). we all know how to show someone that we are not interested, and i think this should have been done a long time ago. although he tells you about her calls, it does not hold too much water with me, because it still keeps happening. talk to your husband about the way you feel, together come up with a plan that cuts these behaviors off, and then move on. besides…who does she think she is? just cause her ish is not working out, where does she get off trying to mess up your world…the one you have been trying hard to build over the past 5 years? cut her off. good luck.

  20. Stephanie says:

    honestly there nothing you can do about what happen, that the problem with an ex, with children,
    the fact that she marry and still want to be with your husband say a lot about her, but your husband
    is the one that need to stop the nonsense other wise she will used the son to get back with him..
    he know what happen time to stop it now…

  21. Tigerspaw357 says:

    This woman is nuts and has a lot of nerve, but the best way to deal with her is head on, since she is now part of your extended family (because of the kids) – you and your husband should speak to her together – and your step children do not need to spend time with "them" because that would be giving them a false presentation of the family and it would be a lie. Children can handle divorce if there are no secrets and mixed messages being sent – do not do this to them!

    You and your husband should set up a meeting with her so she can see that "YOUR FAMILY" is his priority as a unit and the only reason he is involved with her is because of the kids – your husband should tell her that all plans about anything involves his wife (YOU) and if she cannot handle that then he will see the kids alone.

    She is disrespectful, but once she understands that you are the lady of the house and your marriage has no leaks because you both communicate and work together she will stop acting like a sly fox. I admire your husband’s honesty and your civil attitude but do not let this woman dictate your life – she blew her chance and she should understand there is a non-return no-refund on her past with your hubby. grrrr the nerve of her!

  22. mo2k7us says:

    Let him handle it. There is nothing you can do if he decides to leave you anyway. Trust is all you have right now. If she oversteps her boundaries or disrespects you, then you let her know but it sounds like your husband has made it clear to her. As far as her, the child and your husband going out together, it doesn’t need to happen. They are not a family anymore. It just doesn’t make any sense to do that, it just confuses the kid. She is doing it for her own sneaky reasons and you shouldn’t allow it anymore!

  23. Sue B says:

    This doesn’t even have anything to do with their SON. SO, I would call her up and lt her have it!
    She’s interfering with your MARRIAGE. Tell her if she doesn’t stop with this BS that you’ll get a restraining order first and then if that doesn’t help I believe there are laws where you could sue her for damaging your marriage.
    AND NO it is NOT healthy for them to be acting like parents who are together!!! This child has to learn that what divorce is. Your husband has to sit him down and explain to him that he is NOT getting back with his mom if this is true!

  24. Lemon Drop Martini says:

    Since he said it’s never gonna happen, then YOU pick up that phone and tell her, in no uncertain terms to stay out of your marriage and if she makes another attempt to get back with him, you’re gonna kick her azz!

  25. beachgirl90 says:

    well you only have to accept what you will put up with.

  26. astutewoman says:

    I do not think alone time with just the parents is healthy for the kid!! That gives him the impression mom and dad are more than just mom and dad to him – it gives him the impression they are still ONE unit, the three of them.

    I have two kids and an ex – and no way would we do anything alone with the kids… there was ONE time my daughter had a chorus event and dad showed up and sat next to me and my son – of course the kids were thrilled (see how they misread things easily) and it was ONE time in three years since our divorce, but it was not planned, we all walked in at same time and literally no place else to sit! But since then my kids feel ‘sadder’ about the divorce – even though dad is remarried and I have a long term BF who is very involved with us and great with my kids.. so it hurts, not helps the kids accept divorce.

    Now, nothing wrong with them doing things as a family WITH you and her husband on RARE occasion.. you will have to deal with them as the kids get older.. but he not only needs to tell her not getting back together – he needs to tell her, that he and her are still parents to their child – but parent from different homes – any future outings will include you – and its her choice if she includes her husband or not… but he needs to tell her in clear terms – he is not going to disrespect his marriage to you by hanging out with his ex wife – it is not appropriate anymore and the child will understand as he has already accepted that he not only has a mom and dad but two families who love him very much…

    Your hubby may have the best intentions – but women are very manipulative and convincing when trying to get a man…

    Stop the bs now – before it gets too far…

    The other option is you could call or email her and say (in a positive tone) that you respect her role as mom to child and would never take her place but your role is now wife and spending time alone with child and your husband is not appropriate… and that you are ‘sorry to hear she is unhappy in her marriage’ – as your hubby mentioned it to you… but there are other options rather than going backwards. and say here is hoping it works out for her because for (insert childs name) benefit – he has accepted he has two families that love him very much and how traumatic it would be for him to have to deal with more upset or be put in a situation where his loyalties feel divided rather than unified with everyone who loves him. … and then wish her the best sign off

    That will tell her clearly, he tells you everything and its not going to work. She will be upset – but fight psychological warfare with psychological warfare… this shows unity between you and hubby not her and your hubby.. maybe even cc him on it, so she thinks he said it was ok. (rather he does or not)..

  27. CHICKA says:

    Bake him cookies and when he comes home from work greet him with a smile on your face. The fact that he tells you everything I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Now if his telling you he wanted to be with her then that’s different. She is controlling him by having the dinners alone and that should stop. You are his wife and that should include you too if you so choose. But they had their chance to be just his parents and both of them married other people.

  28. Darcy says:

    Im going to sound really blunt but heres what I would do/ say.

    Firstly tell your husband to completely nip it in the bud, he needs to tell her straight, that it will never happen, and she needs to STOP. If he has told her no, and she continues, then she don’t deserve him to be ‘polite’ to spare her feelings etc …….

    If she does it again, then YOU should tell her to back off! I certainly would.

    Next time she sends boxes of cookies……..send them back to her.

    She has no right to do this!

  29. J K (Semper Fi) Beer is good!!! says:

    She don’t want him to have anymore kids, that way she can make sure he don’t with you, she wants " instead of ‘Many’, maybe she just misses him in her bed, who knows when it comes to dealing with exes now a days?

  30. Legandivori says:

    You ask husband to move at least 1000 miles away with YOUR child.

  31. Diusgh says:

    Tbh I am in a similar’ish situation. My ex-wife has dropped many inferences and I have told her on numerous occasions that the ship sailed a long time ago. I have talked with my g/f of two years about this and we have discussed how it would be a good idea to not do outside activities together.

    Frankly they aren’t a family anymore and he shouldn’t be doing alone time with her and the son and possibly get his hopes up that they will get back together. I don’t do anything alone with my ex… ever. The most that will happen is that we talk at drop off. My daughter is 4 and I have heard the excuse well it’s good for her to see us get along, which my reply is swiftly she sees us get along fine we are fighting and she has a secure relationship with both of us.

    I would say for your husband if he is concerned he needs to set the boundaries and not allow her to try and weasel her way back in. If he continues to go out on these things he is reinforcing her behavior. He is saying no, but his actions are saying it’s okay for us to be a family again. She may just choose to follow what she perceives his actions to be. She sounds pretty shady.

    My best suggestion would be to look at it like a professional relationship with a client. Don’t get too involved (her life’s sob story) and only discuss the business at hand (the son).

    Hope it helps from a male perspective of a similar kind.

    Cheers,
    Diusgh

  32. Diusgh says:

    sorry a few typos on the last one I want to make it clear that we “aren’t” fighting and have a very tranquil professional relationship with one another. Further more I wish I would have read astutewomen’s post first. She details out exactly what I myself think, believe and practice. Make sure that the ex-wife knows it is a unified front. I will say I admire the manipulation that females can throw out there. I constantly use my g/f as a sounding board when a comment rubs me the wrong way, ugh makes me shiver just thinking about it.

  33. Helen says:

    I’m not sure how long ago this was posted, but I felt inclined to help answer.

    A bit of history first: I was in a pretty horrible situation concerning my husband, I and his toxic ex wife. She has harassed us with numerous calls about nonsense, sets his children against us (they are now adults), defaced us, has been a master manipulator and liar, uses threats and I can go on and on… And she did all of this even though she was the cause of the divorce. She had 3 affairs during her marriage, the last one ended it upon her own decision to. My husband was willing to forgive her again, but she refused it. Now that he divorced and moved on, she feels determined that he shouldn’t deserve to have a quiet, sane life without her being in the “spotlight”. So I guess she feels that in doing these things to us, makes her feel better about herself for a short time.

    A lot of these types of women suffer from severe personality disorders that gives them a twisted sense of entitlement along with severe insecurity issues leading to jealous induced rages that they act out on. And they have little or no concern how their actions may hurt their own children.

    I know from this experience how distressing this may be for any newcomer that may have doubts and feel threatened by some of these ex wives by their games, so I understand. But the fact is, she feels more threatened by YOU than you are of her. And that’s what causes them to play these games in the first place.

    From what I get out of your situation is that your husband’s ex wife is so desperate and envious in knowing that she has been “replaced” by someone else (you) that she is willing to stoop to the extreme low of trying to compete with you for your husband’s love. If I were you, laugh it off… but right in her face! She would hate that and would probably make her think twice before playing with something like that again. Seriously, you have that right now.

    It also sounds like your husband is somewhat privy to her games and defends you.. so I wouldn’t worry. One thing I would like to mention though about children… I think that it is important for parents to get along for the child’s sake, but I also feel that step-parents are just as important given the fact that a stepmother also cares for the children and therefore should have some say in activities spent with your husband. I think her and your husband should not be going out to dinner or “hanging out” by themselves without you accompanying them, or better yet, without HER. She has no right to personally invade private times that should only be spent with their father, in turn, including you.

    So I too agree that strict boundaries should be set along with keeping an eye out for signs of “Parent Alienation” which is now becoming more and more an aspect of severe child abuse which holds much consideration by the courts..

    Good luck to you and God bless…

  34. Helen says:

    ADDING ON.. Also like to mention that many husbands in situations like this have a tendency to be sort of “wishy-washy”. This is not at all uncommon. So was mine. A lot has to do with having a fear of what the ex wife is capable of doing, especially when it comes to the children. Many ex wives like this also seemed to have taken a more domineering role in the household during their prior marriage and for the sake of some kind of peace, the husbands let their ex wives have it. It’s very difficult to live with someone who has Narcissistic traits or another type of destructive personality disorder. It’s like having to walk on eggshells around them all the time, which spreads to even after the marriage is over. They are very vicious, manipulative destructive people and can make life hell and no one knows them better than the husband who used to be married to one. So, he’s probably trying to tread lightly to keep the peace.

    Keeping the peace may be all well and good, but it has severe connotations. He really needs to take a firm stand in setting strict boundaries or his ex wife will continue playing the games and will get worse and worse as her own destructive thinking grows. Don’t delay this… It must be done asap.

  35. Kelly says:

    My first question would be why does his ex wife feel comfortable enough with him to even initiate that conversation. He better be loud and clear with boundaries because if he was, there would never have been any conversation. He MARRIED YOU. Can’t have his cake and eat it too. Sorry EX wIFe….. No private family dinners as YOU are he family now and she is not. Please wake up before this chick walks all over you.

  36. Kelly says:

    I hate to be blunt but there is something wrong with the message he is sending if he’s allowing her to have that dialogue with him. He should shut it down and not even entertain it for a second. You may be the second wife but you are no dope honey. Would he let an ex girlfriend have this chat with him….. Well guess what, same goes for the ex wife too or he is totally disrespecting you with whom he made vows to and again, YOU are his FAMILY so you better get the ex in check.

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