I still love my abusive husband…does anyone else understand what Im going through?
Im not looking for people to tell me just to leave him..find someone new..the same thing everyone says…because I know this, and its much easier said then done…..NO ONE UNDERSTANDS unless you have been through it, or are going through it…..
My husband of 4 years is in jail right now because last Oct. he hit me in front of our 2 year old daughter so I put his ass in jail..they gave him 11 months and a felony charge…..I stopped all contact with him, blocked his calls, he would call me at home and work..then he would have strangers call me for him to relay messages or do 3 way calls..then I got emails from strangers with messages from him…he would send letters to my work….for the first time in our relationship, I was able to be strong enough ignore him..(for awhile)…3 months later I couldnt take the guilt anymore from all his letters saying he would kill himself without me and our daughter..how could I put him in there? Telling me he has learned his lesson, promising never to put hands on me again….promises, promises…all words, no action..I need to see actions! I will never allow him to hit me again…he convinced me that it was only a few times and that he never punched me so according to him, it wasnt that bad..according to him, I exaggerated…..
The worst was his jelousy, and controlling EVERYTHING I DID, who i talk to, always accusing me of looking at other men…I actually trained myself to walk around not really looking around, just sort of looking down and using my perifrial (sp?) vision so he wouldnt think I was looking at other men…Sometimes I would walk right past friends in the store because I never looked around..I wasnt allowed to shake men´s hands when introduced…timing me when I went ANYWHERE, I never got back fast enough…I must have been talkin to someone….quizzing my 11 yr old son about what i did when he wasnt around..my son knew what to say and not to say….and that really kills me……..crazy things like this are just a few…I look back and cannot believe I allowed him to have this power over me..I had NEVER been in an abusive relationship before and my father never layed a hand on my mom so I dont understand why I stay with him???
At the beginning he charmed me..then I started getting those gut feelings and red flags..like the first time he threw something in my face..a plastic baggie full of Q-Tips..a silly thing like that but he threw it so hard it when it hit my face it shocked me…then he proceeded to tell me that Im worthless…my stomach was sick after this..but he sweet talked me into forgiving him….the next thing that happened was a month later I found some flirty texts from a girl on his phone..I confronted him. I ended up getting pushed up against the wall and choked….that time he cried and begged for forgiveness..this is when I started to get scared…scared of why I was still with him? do I really hate myself that much?….
The next phase was the pushing…but he always said he was "blocking me", with his arms crossed across his chest he would push up against me so I couldnt leave the room, couldnt leave him..that was the worst, when I threatened to leave…he would lose it..or if I didnt do what he said…
the next phase was when he wanted me to come out to the living room and smoke a cig with him..i didnt want to, I dont know what we had been fighting about but I just wanted to be left alone…he ended up dragging me off the bed by my ankles and dragging me into the livingroom….after that was the first time he slapped me….I cant remember after that, the order of all the fights..or why we fought…
After a year, I started fighting back…I punched him in the mouth knocking his tooth loose and giving him a fat lip..He was so proud of me after that..I remember how he seemed happy after I did it..he kept telling me how proud he was of me…I didnt understand at the time why it made him happy..but now I know it was because then he could justify his violence by saying that I did it too….or maybe he just gets off on violence……maybe I do too….maybe its some sick way to kill myself slowly and painfully…I have slit my wrists once with him and spent many months in a deep depression, we became homeless because I couldnt handle my job anymore..mentally I was too sick and it was making me physically ill..plus I would show up at work crying, or with puffy eyes from crying..he would harrass me at work and if I tried to tell him to leave, he would humilliate me in front of people yelling that I was a slut and a whore..talking about my private parts in public to make me feel dirty and worthless…..after we lost the apartment, we had to stay in motels, bad ones..moving from place to place…I went and took out about 00 in PayDay Loans which I never could pay back…I did it for him…so why do I do this to myself??
I feel so alone!! I feel like no one understands but I know it happens all the time…..One day we were
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Tagged with: Abusive Husband • crazy things • felony charge • guilt • jelousy • love • relationship
Filed under: How To Get Him Back
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Honey, that man is demonized and he was rejoicing the day that you chose violence and death over peace and life.
You need help. You need Jesus. You need an intervention by both others and God.
Get on your knees and cry out to God–he knows and sees all and will forgive you and come into your life and help you.
"Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen."
yes, and you need therapy.
Problem is you don’t know how to separate love and attention… You know it’s toxic, but you hold on.
Some people confuse the two, for you for some reason…
You need therapy!
So what do you want people to say to you then…
You ask for no ones advice and tell us that you are not going to leave him, yet you basically write an essay on complaints and horrible events… Seriously now…
Have you seen that movie Halloween where the little boy goes crazy & starts killing everyone. Seriously why are you putting your kids through this stuff?! They will never forget.
In order for you to be okay with what is going on, means that you have some issues that need to be dealt with. HE’s IN JAIL!!! He doesnt love you and clearly you are confused as to what love really is.
No, I don’t. I can’t fathom why anyone (but especially someone with a child to care for) would allow those things to happen.
FYI, that’s NOT love. You were enabling his behaviour and he was (is?) not stable. Are you SURE he’s not doing the same sweet-talking just to get back into your life?
If you’re not going to protect yourself, think about your daughter.
I definitely CAN’T sympathize with this situation, but some people just like being mistreated by their partners. One day, there will be this "perfect" guy who comes into your life, and you will probably stay with your husband even then. I feel sorry for you, but hey, it’s your own choice.
You know you need to leave him, but you already said you can’t do that. You are sick too, codependent on his abuse. You need to go to counseling, until you get your own mind right you will never be strong enough to leave him.
I wish you the best of luck!
Yes, you’re in denial, and you THINK you love the loser you call your husband…….Seek therapy to help you grasp reality…….♥♥
yes. people do understand what you are going through. i have a 3 yr old with an abusive guy. he would threaten to kill himself if i left him. im not with him and hes still out there. guess he lied. one day i just stopped caring what he did as long as it didnt involve me or my daughter. you truely just have to make up your mind and stick to it. look at your beautiful children, would you want your daughter treated like this? or for your son to knock someone around. i know its hard, hun, i really do but for your kids and yourself you CAN leave him for good, and trust me, some day youll look back on this situation adn feel so free, so liberated! theres help for people in your situation too! womens shelters arent listed for a reason but go to the police and ask about them. they are there to help, i wish i could help you more then just writing this to you.
buy the book called who pulling my strinp
Honey, you need to contact a domestic violence counseling center to help you overcome these issues. You are never the same once you have gone through something like this… I promise you won’t be. If you don’t get help you are likely to repeat the pattern with someone else. I would suggest connecting with a domestic violence shelter so that you can see the process first hand and talk with other woman who have been there and done that. It will help once you find someone you can relate to.
Please read the book – Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It answered alot of questions I had.
There are more of us out there than you think…but you have to want to change your life and unless and until you take that step of faith which has to come from you the cycle of violence will continue.
You are in my prayers, hon
Good Luck
(((( HUGS )))))
You need to go to counseling and get some help because you have a serious problem. You not only hurting you self but you are hurting your kids as well and they will remember that once they get older and might calls the problems in the long run. You need to leave and honey i been there i he was my first and the first time he hit me i was like holla and we never spoke after that. You need to watch to news and see how many woman are getting killed in domestic violence or better yet google it you need to wake up and smell the coffee
Your husband sounds like the typicall redneck, well i know you don’t want to hear someone tell you to leave him since despite all that, you somehow think you love him…you don’t want to get beaten by him, but just plain telling him not to do it might get you a beating for that matter, that is if you let him return to you once he’s out of jail…i’m thinking you’re just terrified about him getting out some day and come looking for you, and somehow you’re trying to prepare mentally for that day since you’re so sure that he must return to you and you must continue to keep up to his violence, well you don’t need to take him back, even if he really learned his lesson, and never hit you again, your idea of you two and your baby walking together in the park without fear might never be a reality, you’ll always remember the bad days and never be in peace again, apparently you only have 2 options, leave him or continue to live with him believing his promises but at the same time feel like a caged bird.
I’m not going to tell you to leave him, only you can make that decision, but you really do need to think of your son, if your husband can do those things to you think about what he will do to your son if he ever got mad at him, I will tell you that you and your son deserve a better life, my daughter is in an abusive marriage, not as bad as yours, hers is mostly emotionally, her husband don’t work, all he does is drinks and takes drugs, he steals her money, he swears at her, calls her names, tells her she is worthless and that there is not a man in this world would want her that he is the only one who wants her, then turns around and tries to make up to her, he is a sick ba**ard, I hate him so much I always make a wish, I wish he would die, I don’t get in the middle of it because she will not listen to me, only she can make the decision to leave him, she has a daughter whom her husband can’t stand, because my granddaughter stands up to him, he is not her real father. so you see I do understand what you are going through, you can get away from it, the state where you live will help you financially, please think about your son and what he is going through, I really do hope things work out for you, I wish you and your son all the best, I will say a prayer for you and your son, god bless you… good luck…
you know what i was in the same situation with an abusive boyfriend, hitting me and punching me, and dragging me by my arms and hair.
but you are on here, telling us all the bad things he does to you.. and you know what he is doing is wrong, so what do you expect us to tell you? that he will change? cuz he wont… to tell you to stick with him? cuz we wont tell you to do that either.
all i can say is he will keep hurting you, and u staying is now your own fault. because u said yourself you dont want us to tell you to leave.. so then stay and get beat on.. you have no back bone and no strength.
when i was in my abusive relationship i was hanging out with other guys…and i found someone who took me away from my aweful situation and u need to do the same.
simple as that. u stay, u get beat.. u leave u will be happy.
you pick. thats your only choice.
Yes, i understand hes promised and promised but it falls back to the same cycle…..have you tried god? because he is your only answer at the end of the day. We will try to confort you by saying we understand you but not every case is the same. The answer to both is god.
Hey Love, i was in a 7year relationship with my ex and im away from him now for 4 years, i have 3 lovely daughters with this man and my oldest remembers pretty much all incidents that happened between me and her dad she’s 9 years old, it hurts that my daughter had to see this happen to me and only when i was brave enuff to leave i did so with my 3 month old baby in my arms and my 2 toddlers.
to this very day he has phone calls to them but has not seen them for 4 years, his choice,
sad thing is i will always love him, he was the love of my life the only one i ever loved, and times i cry myself to sleep and try telling myself all the bad things he done to me and what my oldest seen him do to me.
but the good times over ride the bad and its hard to let go….
4 years on and i still think bout him and love him and it has drove me mad that he has made a new family and i cant help but look few pics on facebook of them being happy…
in the mean time he tells me all i have to do is click my fingers and he’ll be running back to me… but the question you have to ask your self is do you want your daughter to take beatings of a man when she is older cos her mum did? or do you want your son beating his girlfriend/wife when he’s older, thats when comman sense has kicked in for me…
embrace your good memories and move on (Easier said then done i know)
dont think i’ll ever get over him but its worth a try
hope this has been usefull love… sorry for babbling at you jus thought you may need a comment of someone thats on same wave lenght rather then stuff you dont want to hear… Take care
I know how you feel. People dont know. Most abusive relationshps are so difficult to let go of because youre almost addicted. I was exposed to that as a kid and teen.. So,e how it feels like no serious deal. I love my husband because I have a hope it will change or afraid of him not missing me when I, gone. Afraid of him moving on. Afraid of the pain. Sometimes I feel like its.less stress to stay put. Or ill try harder not to make him mad next ti,e. If I stay quiet things will work. Im pregnant with a 2yr old. I think I can leave this time. I never thought she was old enough to be affected but shes showing signs. Its not going to be easy but my momexposed me to abuse and I cant find one right relationship. I dont want my lottle girl to end up lile me. Well thats the thought process I had..
You are not worthless! You are a good women whom loves your family. I know…it was only a year ago I was in a very similar situation, except I never reported the abuse. He never did time for what he did to me. No one ever knew about it because I protected him by lying for him. I thought by staying with him I was doing what was best for my 3 kids. My parents were divorced when I was 10 so I did ever thing in my power to keep my kids from going through what I did. He was so good at convincing me the abuse was my fault that months after the divorce I still have a hard time blaming him for what was done to me. The key for me…the thing that made me determined to finally leave him, was my sons. Once he started pushing me around in front of them (in the beginning he would let me get the kids outside to play before it got physical) they would try and protect me from him. My (then) 8 and 3 year old boys would put themselves between him and I so he couldn’t hit me, while my 13 year old daughter would try and get them to go outside so they wouldn’t have to see what was about to happen. It was then that I realized the whole reason I was staying with him was no longer valid. I was putting them in danger. It was only a matter of time before my sons would of ended up getting caught in the cross fire.
The final straw…the day after an extremely violent attack my 3 year old came to me and gave me a very detailed description of what his father had done to me the day before. That’s when I realized…while I would never hurt any of my kids EVER, what i was doing was a form of mental abuse. By not leaving him I was putting my kids thru stuff kids that age should never have to go thru!
I somehow was able to find the strength to pull myself out of his web and am finally happy and free and more importantly, my children are safe. I know how hard it is. But I know you are strong enough to ensure your children have the happy childhood ever kid deserves.
Get free counceling at your local womans shelter. I hate to say it but every man I have been with in serious capacity has been abusive.
After my divorce of 13yrs I went to counseling for a year I thought I had it all in my power. I was wrong and next serious relationship was abusive. We have tro break our cycle and these men don’t change and there could be an accident where uou fall hit your head; 1000 things could happen.
I am sorry but you need have him leave with a restraining order and not see him. It will be more than hard but don’t you feel you are worth more? because you are, we all are, they just make us feel like nothing. be brave and do it and don’t look back
i am in this very situation but i have left 6 weeks ago i feel that this is all my own fault for staying for all this time and now it feels like its my fault for leaving …
there is sooo many dissapointments and when you leave you really are on your own….. with the help thats out there its still not easy
my son who is 10 has seen everything as well and i am now hating myself for leting him go through that
you gotta be strong and be sure that when you leave you will never go back
your opportunity is NOW he is not out of jail and cant stop you from leaving
even after leaving and taking him to court he still tells me everyday he loves me and wants us to make a wedding as we were only registered.. never with a big wedding
he wants me back and is sorry and will never do this again…..usual stuff
but im telling you RIGHT NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO LEAVE and god will forgive you if you cant forgive yourself for this
bluess you and your babies
I know exactly how you feel. I am going through a divorce and I left my abusive husband too. I believe we still love these men for who we thought they said they would be. It is hope not only for our marriage but also for our children. It is not easy to except that they never loved us and we don’t want to see them possibly love someone else the way we only dreamed of. All the pain we went through and being told we arent worthy of love. They make women think that they can’t so any better or deserve any better. So when we leave these men the fear they put in us of never finding or deserving love does not leave and we are dependent on them since they took away our self control.
Girlfren, your only hope is marriage counseling and have a psychiatrist evaluate your husband. He might need medication to control his erratic behavior.
That’s what we call love
But, don’t let your husband abuse your weakness. Make him feel that your not worth it to abuse instead to love. Its all up to you on how to handle your husband’s temper but not to the extend that you will show to him your full effort.