Im not looking for people to tell me just to leave him..find someone new..the same thing everyone says…because I know this, and its much easier said then done…..NO ONE UNDERSTANDS unless you have been through it, or are going through it…..

My husband of 4 years is in jail right now because last Oct. he hit me in front of our 2 year old daughter so I put his ass in jail..they gave him 11 months and a felony charge…..I stopped all contact with him, blocked his calls, he would call me at home and work..then he would have strangers call me for him to relay messages or do 3 way calls..then I got emails from strangers with messages from him…he would send letters to my work….for the first time in our relationship, I was able to be strong enough ignore him..(for awhile)…3 months later I couldnt take the guilt anymore from all his letters saying he would kill himself without me and our daughter..how could I put him in there? Telling me he has learned his lesson, promising never to put hands on me again….promises, promises…all words, no action..I need to see actions! I will never allow him to hit me again…he convinced me that it was only a few times and that he never punched me so according to him, it wasnt that bad..according to him, I exaggerated…..

The worst was his jelousy, and controlling EVERYTHING I DID, who i talk to, always accusing me of looking at other men…I actually trained myself to walk around not really looking around, just sort of looking down and using my perifrial (sp?) vision so he wouldnt think I was looking at other men…Sometimes I would walk right past friends in the store because I never looked around..I wasnt allowed to shake men´s hands when introduced…timing me when I went ANYWHERE, I never got back fast enough…I must have been talkin to someone….quizzing my 11 yr old son about what i did when he wasnt around..my son knew what to say and not to say….and that really kills me……..crazy things like this are just a few…I look back and cannot believe I allowed him to have this power over me..I had NEVER been in an abusive relationship before and my father never layed a hand on my mom so I dont understand why I stay with him???

At the beginning he charmed me..then I started getting those gut feelings and red flags..like the first time he threw something in my face..a plastic baggie full of Q-Tips..a silly thing like that but he threw it so hard it when it hit my face it shocked me…then he proceeded to tell me that Im worthless…my stomach was sick after this..but he sweet talked me into forgiving him….the next thing that happened was a month later I found some flirty texts from a girl on his phone..I confronted him. I ended up getting pushed up against the wall and choked….that time he cried and begged for forgiveness..this is when I started to get scared…scared of why I was still with him? do I really hate myself that much?….

The next phase was the pushing…but he always said he was "blocking me", with his arms crossed across his chest he would push up against me so I couldnt leave the room, couldnt leave him..that was the worst, when I threatened to leave…he would lose it..or if I didnt do what he said…

the next phase was when he wanted me to come out to the living room and smoke a cig with him..i didnt want to, I dont know what we had been fighting about but I just wanted to be left alone…he ended up dragging me off the bed by my ankles and dragging me into the livingroom….after that was the first time he slapped me….I cant remember after that, the order of all the fights..or why we fought…

After a year, I started fighting back…I punched him in the mouth knocking his tooth loose and giving him a fat lip..He was so proud of me after that..I remember how he seemed happy after I did it..he kept telling me how proud he was of me…I didnt understand at the time why it made him happy..but now I know it was because then he could justify his violence by saying that I did it too….or maybe he just gets off on violence……maybe I do too….maybe its some sick way to kill myself slowly and painfully…I have slit my wrists once with him and spent many months in a deep depression, we became homeless because I couldnt handle my job anymore..mentally I was too sick and it was making me physically ill..plus I would show up at work crying, or with puffy eyes from crying..he would harrass me at work and if I tried to tell him to leave, he would humilliate me in front of people yelling that I was a slut and a whore..talking about my private parts in public to make me feel dirty and worthless…..after we lost the apartment, we had to stay in motels, bad ones..moving from place to place…I went and took out about 00 in PayDay Loans which I never could pay back…I did it for him…so why do I do this to myself??

I feel so alone!! I feel like no one understands but I know it happens all the time…..One day we were


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